


Fate Will Play Us Out

by notquitewitches



Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blood, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Slow Burn, Swearing, Violence, bad family relationship, eventually, it's a really slow slowburn, non binary magnus, they might be lowkey ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-04-15 00:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14148090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquitewitches/pseuds/notquitewitches
Summary: When Magnus moves in for uni he's expecting everything and nothing. He's running, but he can't remember what he's running from. He has a choice in where to run, though, and that direction has a neon sign that reads "bad idea you will get hurt". Or maybe that's just Alex keeping him from fighting the whole world with bare hands.Or, Magnus loves too easily and caring for all his friends is the best and worst choice he could ever make, since he doesn't even know where to start.





	1. Week One

**Author's Note:**

> hallo! this is the first work i post on here, after many years of lurking and half writing things that never saw the light. i'm posting the first chapter because for once i have the whole story planned out and if you guys like it, i might even find the motivation to finish it.  
> Also little headup, i'm terrible at keeping pace so the plot will probably be a bit inconsistent - aka all the warnings you see in the tags are going to come out a bit later on, i guess, i don't know, the future is a mysterious thing c:  
> hope you enjoy! xx

September had just started, summer wasn’t over yet, but the leaves were dying already and the sunshine seemed to have diminished since the date had shown an eight instead of a nine. Magnus felt like a yellowing leaf on a tree. He couldn’t say that it was cold, or even chill, he just loathed the start of fall with a burning passion. He walked through the uni campus slowly, his shoulder aching under the weight of a duffel bag, enjoying the last rays of summer sun on his skin. The air was crisp, the colors shone vividly and the people scattered in the park were laughing and talking loudly, not yet weighted down by scarves and assignments.

Magnus followed the path to the dorms, looking around himself to get a first idea of the layout of the buildings. Even with a map in hand, he was sure he’d never find anything. He got to the dorms easily though, mostly because that’s where all the students were heading. It was even easier to find his room, because the numbers made more sense than vague arrows. Before he realized it he was looking for the right key on the ring. He didn’t need it though, because the door was ajar and there were noises coming from inside. His roommates must have arrived already. Magnus pushed the door open and peeked in, checking the whereabouts of his new roommates.

He let himself in and closed the door behind himself, letting the bad slide off his shoulder onto the ground and he kicked it to the wall. He regretted it immediately because he was alone in the main space and didn’t have anything to do with his hands. There were two doors on the wall in front of him and Magnus guessed that’s where the shuffling noises where coming from. He couldn’t make himself go knock on the other door, so he just stood there, studying the room. It was nice and bright, big enough to let three men live together, with a couch on one side and a TV against a wall, left sitting on the ground among knotted cables.

He had barely stepped further into the room, planning to explore the kitchenette, that one of the doors flew open, the bang of the handle echoed by a disembodied laughter. A boy stepped out of the room, swearing softly, eyes still crinkled with laughter. He turned around to check for damage but instead noticed Magnus. He jumped a bit, looking startled, but his smile only grew wider and he raised a hand in greeting.

“Hi! I guess you’re our roommate! Welcome!” the boy crossed the room fast, offering his hand to a frozen Magnus. He took it mechanically, his brain working twice as fast to catch up and make up a proper reaction. He felt his cheeks burn. “I’m TJ.” His eyes were flecked with gold and his palm was warm against Magnus. He felt like he was walking through a hazy mirage.

“I’m Magnus,” he managed to stutter out and immediately cringed at how lame he sounded. “Nice to meet you.” He cracked a smile as his hand dropped back to his side and the mist clouding his thoughts disappeared along with the sensation on his fingers.

The light filtering through the windows shone blindingly on TJ’s glasses as he stepped back to the center of the room and Magnus took it as a cue to move his eyes elsewhere. A good distraction was provided by another person stepping out of the room, brandishing a broken screwdriver. He pointed it towards TJ, looking mildly intimidating with the long red hair half covering his face and his strong built. TJ didn’t look troubled though, he waited patiently for the man to speak, a smirk dancing on his face.

“You. You are not getting the single bed.” He spoke with a deep baritone voice and a heavy accent Magnus couldn’t place that made the consonants pop. TJ just laughed. The man turned towards Magnus, dropping the screwdriver, and smiled wide.

“I see you’ve met TJ first. I’m Halfborn.” Magnus shook his hand cautiously, not sure what to say. What had he said was his name? He was kind of scared of asking, he felt so tiny next to the man, who towered over him by a good thirty inches.

“Jesus, don’t freak him out already!” TJ shot a disapproving look the giant’s way before turning towards Magnus with an apologetic smile. “That’s a nickname. Nothing to worry about. He’s harmless, he knits.”

The annoyed sound the man made seemed to break the ice and Magnus laughed a bit, his brain still whirring and struggling to make sense of that. _What the fuck_ was the only real thought he could conceive.

“I’m Magnus. So we’ll be roommates for the semester?” TJ gave him the thumbs up and Magnus felt himself smile again. Halfborn moved back towards the room they’d appeared from, kicking the abandoned screwdriver in the process.

“I’m trying to build some Ikea shelves. I hope you won’t be as destructive as Jefferson here.”

TJ’s hand flew to his chest in an overly offended manner and he stared at Halfborn with raw betrayal. “I just accidentally dropped it on your foot! You can’t blame me if that thing has a life of its own!”

Halfborn laughed a thunderous laugh and raised his middle finger at TJ as he walked away.

“Excuse us, we’ve known each other for a while now.” TJ smiled sheepishly at Magnus, apologetic. “Anyway, you can drop your stuff in the room if you’re not afraid of tripping in an Ikea box.”

Magnus didn’t question it, he just shrugged and reached for his bag. TJ led the way almost ceremoniously, stepping in the bedroom like it was a throne room. It was a simple room, still bare of personal belongings, but there were cardboard boxes scattered everywhere. Magnus turned on himself fully, assessing the layout. For some reason, it was a room for three, but there wasn’t enough space for three single beds, so there were a bunk bed and a single one instead. A window was right between the beds and the view wasn’t so bad, there weren’t tall buildings to cut off the sunlight, Magnus was thankful for that.

“Top or bottom?” TJ asked bluntly, leaning back against the door frame and crossing his arms.

“Uh, what?” Magnus stuttered, very eloquently. He could feel his cheeks heating up again.

“Well, obviously top, Thomas.” Halfborn chimed in without looking at either of them, too busy trying to make sense of the instructions in his hands. The confused noise Magnus made didn’t do much to bring the attention to him. He felt like he had missed an important part of the conversation, even if he was sure that wasn’t possible. What were they trying to say?

“But that’s not fair!” TJ threw his hands up in fake disdain, this voice turning into a childish whine.

“Mmh no TJ, you broke the screwdriver, you’re not getting the top bunk bed,” Halfborn shot back, turning around just to grin at his friend. Magnus let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding and finally felt like he could breathe again. _That_ made sense.

“Magnus, throw your stuff on the bed, before he tries to conquer it,” Halfborn said, smirking even more upon seeing how flustered Magnus looked. He didn’t let him repeat himself and threw his bag on the mattress before lifting himself too. That had been a weird start to his life in uni, but he didn’t think he could complain just yet.

“So, we gotta do some roommate bonding. Movie and pizza tonight? If I manage to set up the tv?” TJ suggested, still smiling from ear to ear. Magnus wondered where he got all that energy and positivity. It was nine am, Monday morning, and somehow TJ managed to keep that vibe that felt like everything good in life. Magnus stared at him for a couple of seconds, studying him. His curly hair was cut short and the gold-rimmed glasses shone against his dark skin, but his eyes shone even brighter, full of good expectations and peace. With an old band shirt that hung loosely around him and bleached ripped jeans, he looked like had stepped out of an old sepia photograph. Magnus allowed himself just another second to stare and then moved his eyes to his own hands curled on his legs, scarred and bruised, trying to remind himself that it had barely been an hour. He couldn’t start his bullshit already.

Halfborn was talking about movies to watch. That was something he could focus on. He joined the man’s laughter when TJ gave him the middle finger at the umpteenth option Halfborn shot down. This, friendship, was something he could do.

\---

By the time the weekend rolled around Magnus was already stressing over nothing, wishing of burying himself in bed every time classes ended. Summer was definitely fading away and the gloomy halo that surrounded everything made him feel just more tired.

Magnus walked into the dorms feeling like he had strained every one of his muscles to carry his backpack around. Five years of Med School were probably going to give him back problems instead of a degree. As much as he wanted to throw himself on the bed and wait for TJ to come back, he dreaded the stairs and tried to approach them as slowly as possible. He wasn’t sure he had enough energy left to get to the second floor. He reminded himself to eat better as he climbed up but then he corrected himself. He should eat, full stop. It had been just a week and they were already running on cereals. He wasn’t going to survive the year this way. He huffed out a laugh- sharing the dorm with two literature majors meant there was no way any of them cared for a healthy lifestyle. They were going to end up on A&E, buried alive in their discarded clothes and course notes.

Suddenly a loud voice rang down the hall, making Magnus almost jump out of his skin. He peeked around the corner, willing his heart to stop beating so loudly, but he found himself alone on the floor. He wondered if he had just imagined it or if it had come from another floor. He stood still for another second, waiting for something to happen, but nothing did so he resumed his slow march towards his room. He had just made it to the second floor that a bang made his bones rattle and he swore out loud, feeling his heart press against his ribcage. The source of the noise was someone angrily hitting a door, hand flat against the wood.

The grass-green hair of the person was slipping out of the hair tie and Magnus didn’t get to catch a glimpse of the face before the person gave up and leaned on the door, pressing their forehead against it.

Magnus walked towards them quietly, burying his hands in his pockets, wary but curious. He tilted his head to the side, trying to figure out what had happened.

“Do you need a hand?” the person –the girl- turned around so fast Magnus felt the pain in her neck. Her eyes burned of a flame that screamed _back off_. Magnus stepped back without realizing, but didn’t break eye contact, too mesmerized by the split colors and the magnetic force with which she was staring him down.

“No. Thanks.” Her voice was clipped and low. Everything of her screamed a warning but Magnus was already on the road of no return.

“Are you locked out?” he insisted, regretting it the second he spoke. The look she threw him could have slit his throat.

“Unless you can pick a lock, I don’t think you can be much help.” Magnus couldn’t figure out if she was attempting to be friendly or just trying to get rid of him. Probably the latter.

“Lucky I know how to, then. Do you have a pin?” Magnus smiled a bit, hoping not to look smug. The girl just stared at him in disbelief and distrust, narrowing her eyes as if she could figure out if he was bluffing or not.

“I don’t,” she said slowly, “They’re locked in the room with my keys.”

Magnus hummed and distractedly brought a hand to his head to check if he had any pins on him. His hand dropped empty; he had left in a hurry and without the energy to fix his hair.

“I have some in my room, if you want to wait a minute.” The girl just shrugged and leaned back against the door, crossing her arms over her chest.

Magnus slipped away, trying to get to his room as fast as his sore muscles allowed him to. Luckily it was just a few doors down the hall and he lost no time fumbling with his keys. He threw his bag on the couch as he passed through, heading straight to the bathroom. The pins were scattered on the windowsill with some hair ties and other forgotten things they never got around to put back in their place. He marched out of the room and almost crashed into TJ walking in, looking as weary as he felt.

“Where ya going?” the boy smiled, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Picking a lock,” Magnus said without further explanations when TJ stared at him confused. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

The green-haired girl was still propped against the door and watched him arrive with furrowed brows and a tiny scowl that Magnus found half intimidating half cute. She was as tall as him, but scrawny and bony, her cheekbones sharp, giving her a ferine look. Her oversized loose clothes didn’t help make her look less like a twig, but her aura was everything but fragile. Magnus had the impression she could easily knock him out if she wanted, but something told him he didn’t want to test out the theory.

He held up the pins as he came to a stop in front of her and she moved away from the door, so that he could get to the lock. He kneeled down and let his muscle memory do all the work. He felt her stare on his neck as he tentatively moved the pins in the lock and felt the need to break the silence.

“I hope you don’t mind if I ask you why a girl is in the men’s dorms, unless like, it’s your boyfriend room or something. Sorry for asking.” He stopped himself before his rambling made her want to kill him.

“Yeah, no, it’s my room.” She cut short and the finality of her tone sent a shiver down his spine. He made a small noise, deciding it would be stupid to insist. They were strangers, what was he even thinking about? He shook his head at how nosy he had been, he started to feel the awkwardness slide down his neck uncomfortably. “There’s still an M on my ID card,” she mumbled, low enough she was probably hoping Magnus didn’t catch it. He almost broke a pin in surprise, his head jerking up to look at her. She held his eyes with fierce intensity, daring him to say something about it. Magnus felt his chest tighten with emotions he didn’t know how to identify, but didn’t say anything at all. He just nodded and went back to working on the lock. A thousand questions swirled in his mind but he knew he was in no place to ask. The silence was as heavy as the sky, but Magnus almost didn’t notice. The door opened with a loud click and the boy stood up, brushing his knees, carefully avoiding the girl’s eyes.

“Thank you,” she said, motioning towards the room, no emotion at all appearing on her face. Magnus brought two fingers to his forehead, smiling a bit.

“Glad to have helped,” he felt like he could breathe with a little more ease now that the deed was done and their ways were about to part. “See you around.”

She walked in the room and he went back to his dorm, where he found TJ stretched on the couch. He huffed amused when he saw his bag on the floor.

“You’re all red, what happened? Whose lock did you have to break?” the boy asked, lifting himself up on his arms to look at his friend. Magnus crossed the room to lean over the back of the couch and covered his mouth with a hand, having a really hard time suppressing an embarrassed smile.

“A girl a couple of doors down got locked out, I simply lent a hand.” It was the truth but TJ didn’t look convinced.

“Why on earth good-boy-Magnus knows how to pick a lock?”

Magnus snorted a laugh and walked around the couch without even considering answering. That was definitely a story for a time when he didn’t feel like his face was on fire.

“Make space, you pillow stealing goblin.” TJ dropped his head back, laughing and Magnus almost tripped over his own feet to stare. The boy moved his legs enough that Magnus could mirror his position on the couch, but the second Magnus got settled he dropped his legs on him with a face of contempt. Magnus tried to look offended, but he started to laugh at the boy’s smug face.

“You look like the knife cat. You know-“

“That’s all I aspire for in life.”

“Wait until I tell Halfborn you’re using me as a pillow again. Then you can make that face in front of his knives.” TJ pushed away his legs, trying to make Magnus fall off the couch, still laughing like that was the funniest thought in the world.

“No you won’t tell,” he argued, wiping some stray tear away, smiling wide as he slid down on the couch a little bit more.

“No I won’t,” Magnus whispered softly. He basked in the sunlight and the joy of that moment for a bit, resting his head against the couch. Then TJ fished out the remote and turned on the tv, throwing a controller at Magnus as the PlayStation logo flashed on the screen.

“Did you learn to pick locks playing Skyrim?” TJ inquired, glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes. Magnus just chuckled.

“You wish you knew.”


	2. Twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus doesn't know what maps are, but people are friendly enough to help him out. Also he's a hopeless romantic.

Campus was a weird place. Magnus prided himself with a good sense of direction, after all the years he had spent going camping in the wild, but it turned out campus was _not_ the wilderness he was used to.

On a chilly Tuesday, his second one there, he discovered a huge flaw in his internal compass. He had walked TJ to his eight am History class, since the alarm had woken him up too and he had nothing to do until nine. Their classes weren’t that close, but Magnus didn’t mind walking around a bit, exploring the campus. He had taken the opportunity to figure out where things were and if there were any shortcuts. All for future reference and to move faster, since the first week had felt a lot like running an endless marathon.

He had left TJ in front of an old building, all cement and steel fixtures. He had waved the sleepy boy goodbye, wishing him good luck to stay awake, and had walked off, hands stuffed in his jeans pockets. He didn’t think the morning breeze could be so harsh, but his fingers had numbed a few minutes into the cold air and he was left wandering through grey, anonymous buildings without a much-needed sweater. At least if he caught a cold, he could cure himself. Not that it took him a degree to do that, anyway.

His walk didn’t become a problem until he impulsively took a sharp turn, just to avoid walking towards an intimidating group of seniors marching to class with dead looks on their faces and scalding coffees in their hands. The second he emerged on a street he had never seen before and realized he had discovered a new part of campus, that’s when his walk became a problem.

He didn’t carry a map. Okay, no, he had one on his phone, but really, he didn’t have the slightest idea of where he was, so even a map would be useless. He turned on himself, moving down the road, trying to find even just a direction sign or something that might give him an idea of where to go. An uncomfortable warm feeling started to rise in his chest as the realization that he was lost hit him. He shook his head, rubbing his hands on his arms, trying to warm up and calm down. He wasn’t _lost_. One couldn’t get lost on campus. It wasn’t a maze. He just had to… find a way back. He turned on himself again, trying to recognize the way he came from, but the buildings all looked the same and there were too many intersections and he hadn’t paid much attention to his surroundings as he changed ways. After all, he didn’t even know if he had come from his left or right. He stood in the middle of the street, his hands painfully squeezing the other and his head spinning. His chest tightened, a wave of anxiety cutting his breath short. He felt like he was walking in a nightmare, except he had no way out. And he was going to be late for class.

He scolded himself as his heart rate started to go faster and his blood seemed to boil. He hated the fact that there was only him to blame. Him and his stupid curiosity. How the _fuck_ did he get lost. His breath hitched in his throat and his thoughts started to melt, words and coherency disappearing under the stress. He didn’t know where to start, he-

“Ehi, you okay?” his brain registered the voice, but it took him a couple of seconds to actually understand what it was saying. It seemed to come from afar, too distant from where Magnus was standing. He turned around as his brain seemed to rewire and start working again, still feeling out of breath like he had just run a kilometer.

“Uh, yeah,” he mumbled, burying his hands back in his pockets, allowing himself to calm down. He silently thanked the person walking towards him for having forcedly dragged him away from the edge of panic he was lingering on.

Speaking of that, he felt like he knew the person quickly approaching him, but it didn’t click until they were few meters apart. He felt stupid for not recognizing the green hair sooner, but he was still pretty out of it. The locked door girl was standing right in front of him, head slightly tilted to the side and her bi-colored eyes narrowed as she gave Magnus a once-over.

Magnus’ faltered for a second as he took a better look at her. Or should he say, him. He was pretty sure that the person in front of him was a guy. That sent his brain in a whirl of question marks. He was sure the person he had helped break into the room had been a girl? He had asked?

_Oh yeah right,_ he suddenly remembered the whole of the conversation. “There’s still an M on my id card”, she had said and Magnus hadn’t questioned it too much. She hadn’t been the first trans person he had met.

Still, that didn’t help him understand why the door girl was standing in front of him, definitely passing as a guy. He didn’t feel like asking and time was running out, the green haired boy’s stare was getting judgmental.

“I’m, uh, lost. Do you happen to know the way to uh, someplace with actual direction signs?” he felt the blush creep on his cheeks, but he decided to blame it on the breeze brushing on his face. The boy’s lips twisted in something that resembled a smile and stuffed his hands in his oversized cardigan’s pockets.

“Sure. Where do you have to go?” Magnus made another not-so-intelligible sound as he tried to tear his gaze away from the boy’s face, his brain still having problems formulating coherent thoughts when he couldn’t figure out if he was misgendering him. Her. Them. _Fuck_.

“Yeah, the med section,” he exhaled, feeling his chest empty as if there had been something filling it up. Anxiety, that was the something. The boy was still staring at him like his confusion amused him. Magnus was still staring at him like his amber and brown eyes were the direction sign he had been looking for. He shook himself awake.

“Well, follow me.” His voice was way softer and more playful, none of those sharp edges and clipped words Magnus remembered morphed his tone. They didn’t seem to have any place in the carefree way he moved past Magnus, glancing back at him to make sure he was following.

“So, I didn’t catch your name while I was picking your lock open,” Magnus said, focusing more on his steps than the humming sound the boy made, almost as if he was biting back a laugh.

“I’m Alex.” Magnus smiled a bit, relieved because at least he could cross out the vague idea that maybe the door girl had a twin. Still, that didn’t help him much on the whole gender topic. “And you are?”

“Magnus. I’m Magnus.” He forced himself to meet the other’s eyes and found him smirking. Magnus got the feeling he did that a lot, smirking.

“Nice. And you got lost because? The buildings are all the same, but walking on you’d eventually get back on the main street.” Magnus felt his face burn again, but Alex didn’t sound like he was trying to offend him.

“Because apparently, my sense of direction is worse than I thought. I couldn’t tell left from right after a while.” Alex’s smirk turned into a smile and Magnus mentally high fived himself for not having completely blown it yet.

After a couple of minutes they stepped on a street Magnus actually recognized and he felt his lungs deflate, finally managing to relax. They kept walking in silence for a while, only slightly feeling like it was awkward. Magnus would have broken the quiet, but he didn’t really know what to say. He kept glancing at Alex from the corner of his eyes, taking in her appearance, looking for clues or anything that might spark a conversation. He couldn’t read what was written on the pins stuck to his backpack, though, so any effort got lost. Except for the rainbow flag pin half hidden under the lapel of his cardigan, that had caught his eye immediately. Anyway, he wasn’t sure how to ask about that either. He made a note to dig out of his suitcase his own pins, because he sure as hell didn’t know how to bring up his views just to break the ice.

“What is confusing you, lost boy?” Magnus wasn’t even surprised Alex had caught him staring. He didn’t look mad.

“You really don’t mind me asking?” he tried to keep his jaw attached, as surprised as he was.

“Yeah, no, you seem chill. Don’t burn this impression, though.” Magnus got the strong feeling that was a rare occasion, being the receiving end of his vague trust.

“Well, uhm, the other day I called you a girl because, uh, I genuinely thought you were, and I guess you agreed but I, uh,” Magnus tried to collect himself before he did something that would embarrass him forever. His ears were on fire and he had no idea what he wanted to ask. “I know appearance isn’t gender but like, uhm, to cut it short, what pronouns should I use?”

_Saved in the corner, congrats Magnus._ Never had something been more awkward than this. He wished he could bury himself right there and then.

Alex laughed after a pause that felt like a century and there was no mirth in it. Magnus looked away from his face for a second, before his eyes went right back there, anxiously waiting for an answer, hoping he hadn’t burned his chances. Of what, he didn’t know.

“You’re perceptive, at least.” Alex was still laughing, his eyes slightly crinkled up. Magnus got the feeling it was a rare occasion that people asked without judgment. His heart hammered against his ribs. He thought that the way he had asked, all the stumbling over words, would have sounded at least a bit offensive, but Alex seemed not to mind too much.

His laughter stopped almost suddenly and his expression turned to stone, sharp and serious. “Let’s make it simple, so your brain won’t have to twist on itself. Right now, male pronouns all you want. It switches. My gender, I mean. If I had to put it in numbers, I’d say 80% of the time I’m a girl. The rest I’m a guy. I don’t like to make a show out of it, but asking for the pronouns is always appreciated.” He stopped, staring at Magnus, waiting for a sign. Magnus nodded, elaborating that information. It didn’t sit too weirdly with him. He was glad he hadn’t made the wrong assumption, but he had had a feeling that Alex didn’t look like a boy because of lack of effort.

“So you use classic,” he made air quotation marks as he said it, “Pronouns? He and she?”

“Yeah,” he raised an eyebrow, lifting his chin almost to test how far Magnus was willing to push that.

“Nice.” He honestly didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know Alex enough or at all, he really didn’t feel like pressing further. “Do you want a coffee?”

That sounded way better than personal questions. Alex smiled and Magnus assumed the spark in his eyes was a hint of thankfulness. He wasn’t sure he deserved a thank for being a decent human. He had just been confused. That seemed to be all he could do, recently.

Magnus insisted to pay for the coffee, after all, Alex just saved his disoriented ass.

As he walked to class, Magnus didn’t muse over what they’d talked about in the warm café, their voices drowned out by the chatter of the other students, but instead tried to convince himself not to be too hopeful or anything. Just because Alex seemed so cool and interesting, it didn’t mean they had to become friends. Didn’t mean Alex wanted to be friends. Still, he really hoped he’d see him around again.

\--

That same afternoon, when Magnus went back to the dorms after hours of lectures, he was really hoping to find the place empty, so he could just lock himself in his room and spend the rest of the day going over his assignments without Halfborn and TJ yelling at each other as they played Mario Kart. He loved them both so much already, but sometimes they were insufferable. Magnus just wanted five minutes of peace.

Magnus couldn’t have five minutes of peace.

He heard the shouts before he even got inside. He was still fumbling with his keys when Halfborn’s deep voice boomed through the walls, a really loud _fick dich!_ followed by a choked laughter. Magnus wanted to turn around and leave the place. The library was such a nice place to take a nap he could just- or not. Maybe he should brave the storm and cross the room and lock the door and bury himself in his damned bed. What a dream it would be.

Magnus sighed as he turned his key in the lock, bracing himself for the sudden rise of volume. He felt a baby headache starting to grow behind his eyes.

“Oi, he’s back,” TJ cheered and mercifully paused the game, making Halfborn groan in defeat. TJ turned around on the couch, flashing Magnus a bright smile, and he only managed to respond by lifting up a hand and a corner of his mouth. “You okay?” the boy inquired, his tone only slightly worried. Magnus shrugged, assuming the hours of sleep he had lost were starting to show. He headed straight to the kitchenette, wishing for some decent food and enough painkillers to knock him out. They _had_ told him uni was heavy on the soul.

He stayed in that corner of the room, sitting on the counter with an improvised sandwich, listening to the other two resuming their game in a lower volume. He silently thanked them; the buzzing in his brain was already subsiding. He swung his feet, trying to motivate himself to join his friends on the couch instead of heading straight to bed at four pm.

“Ehi Mag, do you want to try to beat me on the rainbow road?” TJ’s suggestion was enough to make him jump off the counter and slide towards them, a small smile tugging on his lips as he sat down in front of the couch.

“I don’t have to _try,_ Thomas,” Magnus said, craning his head back to look at TJ, a devilish grin appearing on his face as he fiddled with the controller. TJ just smiled wider.

“Well, show me, won’t you?”

They played around five rounds before Halfborn got tired of sitting still and he started to try to hijack their games. Magnus ended up playing the last round lying on the floor, a feet up on the couch to keep his friend away. He was laughing so hard, the tears made it hard to see what was happening on the screen. TJ lost first, just because Halfborn managed to get his hands on his controller. It was still enough of a victory for Magnus, who just stared triumphantly at his friend, basking in the glory of the survival. TJ crossed his arms over his chest, pouting and throwing dagger stares at both of his friends, whispering his plans to get revenge.

“I hope your Ikea closet breaks down while you’re hanging your clothes,” TJ mumbled, pointing a finger at Halfborn, that was half falling off the couch in laughter. “And I hope that every time you tie your hair, the hair tie will be too loose, that’s what you get from betraying me, your dearest friend!”

Magnus pushed himself up on his elbow, cooing at how offended TJ sounded, all balled up and glasses askew on his nose.

“Don’t say that TJ, we still love you.” TJ pushed his feet into Magnus’ face, making him fall back on the floor, laughter bubbling from his chest once again.

“You assholes, I’m not dragging you around on Saturday to meet up people,”

“What’s on Saturday?” Magnus asked, confused by the sudden change of topic.

“There’s going to be some party in the dorms, you know, to celebrate the actual start of courses or something,” TJ explained, smiling a bit at the puzzled expression on Magnus’ face, “A great occasion to make friends! We need them. _You_ ,” and he pointed at the blond boy strewn on the ground, “Need friends, you loner.”

“Thanks.” Magnus quipped, but there was no edge in either voice. “But I’m doing so good with you two, you’re a handful already.”

“Yeah yeah, thanks for the heartfelt moment,” Halfborn chimed in, waving a hand around as if he was brushing away something, “Now give back the controller, I’ve got quests to finish.”

TJ got up and dropped his controller in Halfborn’s hands, arching his back to stretch out. He offered a hand to Magnus, that showed no interest to move.

“Come on, I can teach you the basics of Dungeons and Dragons without him trying to make his own rules,” TJ’s signature smile was back, kind and soft and bright like a star. Magnus had to remind himself that getting stuck every time he did that was really counterproductive and he had to solve that problem asap. Yeah, that was totally happening. He still had to get up from the floor. He was hopeless, but he guessed it was still a fun hopeless. As long as no one caught up on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehiii can't believe i'm posting a second chapter, wow i'm actually working on this. Sadly school is still a thing and that's going to be troubling with actually getting around to writing chapters but ehi, i'm trying. I think I'll post on the weekends, depending on how much I manage to work on chapters during the week.  
> Also uh, I am neither american nor an uni student, so all the uni stuff here is derived from binge watching Gilmore Girls, so if something doesn't sound right, tell me ig i'll try to fix it.  
> I hope I'll manage to do constant updates and i am really looking forward the next few chapter because building up!!! yas!! I apologize in advance for the small number of characters i'm working with, but putting seven people together is so hard and i still need lots of practice for that, sorry!!!!  
> i guess that's all,  
> see you next time!  
> (pls comment if you spot mistakes or have an opinion, even if it's just two words i promise it would make my day c:)


	3. Denial Is Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> magnus can't deal with anything and he's having an ongoing crisis because neither of us can make up our minds

The last time Magnus had gone to church was a vague memory in the back of his head, just a hazy picture of a dark room, the feeling of humid cold on his skin, the echo of an off-key choir. His mum hadn’t been religious, but she had liked art.

Anyway, the situation he found himself in was so, so far from anything religious. He was in his bed at three pm on a gloomy afternoon, staring at the ceiling without seeing it, feeling empty and a bit sad, here and there and nowhere at all. The curtains were drawn, the dorm was empty and there was a stagnant silence Magnus wasn’t used to anymore.

The only reason he had thought back to churches was the sudden realization he had an examination of conscience long overdue. He hated that. Running from feelings was his favorite activity and forcing himself to stand his metaphorical ground and actively think about life and stuff was more like a punishment. Especially when he could be writing an essay, but in the end, wasn’t he procrastinating said essay? Yes he was yes he was

The silence was static in his ears. If he was making such a deal out of a simple, simple thing, what was he going to do with something bigger, worse? But that was a rhetorical question, he already knew what something worse looked like.

Back on track. Could he keep his thoughts straight for five damned minutes? He huffed out a tired laughter. _Aha straight._ As if that wasn’t the core of his problems. He rubbed the sleepiness away from his eyes. Five minutes.

_Do I have a crush on TJ? Sides of the brain, please feel free to debate._

First option, yes he did. He did and it didn’t matter that much, because it was a crush and crushes eventually faded. That’s what happened all the time. He just found TJ attractive and cute and sunny and bright and- yeah, not the right moment. Anyway, it would pass.

Second option, yes he did, that crush wasn’t just appreciation for a friend mixed with physical attraction, it would eventually blossom into something more. Only time could tell. Magnus didn’t know if he wanted to leave things up to time’s discretion **.** He didn’t know if he was ready for anything more than a simple crush.

He was lying in bed, desperate and distraught, just at the mere thought of having a crush. An infatuation? A whole relationship? He didn’t even know where to start.

Third option, he didn’t. He just thought he had a crush. It was nothing. He just thought TJ was a cool dude who treated him nicely and he felt friendship feelings and that was it. Magnus liked the third option.

Five minutes had passed, his brain was yelling at him that third option was equal to dumb option, but Magnus didn’t care. He turned on his side, burying his face in his pillow and sighed contently deciding that yes, it was the third option.

-

He slept through the whole afternoon, dreaming of nothing. He didn’t hear TJ and Halfborn coming back, nor he heard them moving through the room quietly, careful not to wake him up. He sure as hell didn’t hear Halfborn’s whispered comments and TJ’s indignant stuttering. He couldn’t miss what he didn’t know.

-

As TJ had promised, Saturday was hellish from start to finish. Magnus wasn’t even surprised that _dorms party_ meant utter chaos since late morning. At least he was glad he had found out about it earlier. He could prepare himself.

He didn’t like parties, he didn’t like that kind of noise and confusion, but he guessed he had to live with it. People did enjoy it, his own roommates did, so he could at least not be totally grumpy about it. Maybe he could learn to appreciate them a bit more, but still. He got out of bed with a clear resolution: he’d stay far away from the dorms for as long as he could. Even if it meant literally fighting TJ on the way out later that afternoon, when he came back to the room just to drop his backpack and retrieve his charger and a book.

He wasn’t as sneaky as he thought he was, both TJ and Halfborn had understood his intentions the second he had stepped back in. They were moving around the living room, stacking beers and other bottles Magnus didn’t care for in a corner. They stopped when they heard the door opening and Magnus found them still half crouched, half bent over, waving at him with cardboard boxes in their hands. He waved back, fighting laughter at the surreal scene in front of him.

“Do you prefer dark or light beer?” TJ called after him when Magnus disappeared into their room. He knew it was a trick question, he knew it was just to get him to agree to stay and join them. He decided to humor them for a minute though, as he emptied his backpack on TJ’s bed.

“Apple juice,” he shouted back, smiling to himself when he heard Halfborn’s laughter.

“Something more adultish?” TJ tried, suddenly appearing in the doorway, a tentative look on his face.

“Mmh, tomato juice.” Magnus grinned up at him, just to receive a disappointed look.

“You,” TJ pointed at him sharply, frowning, “Tonight. Party.”

Magnus shrugged, going back to fitting books and notebooks in his bag. He had his evening already planned out and he surely wasn’t going to let TJ force him to party and socialize. He was the most boring person on campus, he was sure.

Magnus zipped up his backpack and went back to the living room, intentioned to turn on the tv and watch some terrible comedy while he waited for the dark to come and the people to crowd the alleyways. He came to a halt as he walked in the room, finding someone he didn’t recognize already half sprawled on the couch and the other half occupied by Halfborn. The cloud of curly red hair caught his eye immediately, but he was fairly sure he had never seen the girl before. So who..?

Magnus almost jumped when TJ rested his elbow on his shoulder, sighing loudly as he stared at the two on the couch. He didn’t look surprised, it felt like he was used to being forced off the couch to give space. He glanced at Magnus with a knowing look, like he knew something he didn’t. Which was obviously the reality as Magnus was staring right back with his eyebrows raised, waiting for an explanation.

“Halfborn, if you’re going to take over the couch, you should at least do that with some politeness.” TJ said, laughing a bit at the collective puzzled expressions that the other three showed. Magnus asked himself if he would ever get a straight answer from TJ.

The redhead stood up, turning on herself to rest her arms on the back on the couch, facing Magnus and TJ, who still hadn’t stopped using Magnus as an armrest. She glanced at them coldly and Magnus felt a shiver run down his spine. She looked like she was tearing his soul apart on the spot.

“Oh right,” Halfborn chimed in, turning around with a chuckle, “Magnus, this is Mallory. Mallory, this is Magnus, my roommate.” Halfborn’s voice was warm and welcoming as always, but Mallory just stared at Magnus, still studying him. The scrutiny probably lasted a few seconds but it felt like whole minutes for him, spent standing stiffly, trying not to move at all. Then her tight expression seemed to melt and she even almost smiled, a corner of her mouth tugging up.

“Nice to meet you. Halfborn has mentioned you a couple of times.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you,” Magnus stuttered out, still pretty frozen up, “Too. I’m afraid Halfborn has never mentioned you,” he smiled apologetically.

“Oh yeah, I was expecting it,” she smiled tightly at Halfborn and pushed his face away. “Are they trying to bribe you too into getting wasted tonight?” she looked back at him, her eyes glistening with laughter and complicity.

“Well,” Magnus hummed, trying to find something that wouldn’t make TJ handcuff himself to him, “They can be convincing, but I have an eight am class tomorrow, so…”

TJ made an offended sound and stepped away from Magnus, looking at him like he had just admitted of having killed his goldfish. Magnus’ breath stopped for a second and he thought that, right then, he would have said yes to everything if TJ had asked.

“But it’s gonna be so much fun!” TJ exclaimed, silently pleading Magnus to agree with him, but all Magnus could do was to make an unconvinced sound, managing to tear his eyes away with a bit of effort. “Come on, why do you hate fun so much?”

“I don’t _hate_ fun. I just,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. He so didn’t want to have this conversation. “My definition of fun is very different from that,” he said, hoping it was a decent enough answer for TJ, who looked sad and slightly disappointed. His heart sunk so fast it made him dizzy. Magnus wanted to hide under the blankets and never come out again. His will wasn’t strong enough. “Okay, okay, I’ll stay, don’t pout.”

The boy’s face lit up, all traces of sadness quickly swept away by a wide smile.

“How about we put on Star Wars as we wait for the party to start?” he suggested, his cheerfulness back in its place. Magnus accepted solemnly, berating himself quietly. What had he done to deserve such an angel? Spoiler alert: nothing at all. He wasn’t sure he deserved his friendship. He went to retrieve the CD’s as TJ set the place, fretting Mallory and Halfborn to make room.

Magnus halfheartedly considered changing his plans and escaping from the party and the loud music and drunken strangers, but immediately shot down the idea, feeling discomfort creep up at the mere thought of it. He would leave the party as soon as possible though. That was for sure; he couldn’t really deal with a whole night of that chaos. He would make it up to TJ in another way, he told himself.

Maybe they could go out the next weekend, he thought as he walked back to the couch. Maybe they could go to the cinema and then get dinner somewhere. Maybe pizza. Or that 80’s diner near the park. That sounded nice, he could do that. With a tiny smile, he went back to the others.

They were halfway through the movie that a sudden thought almost made him jump up. _He was thinking of a date._ He felt like crying for a brief second. Should- could he even ask TJ that? The idea of going out to dinner with him made him feel like he was choking. It wasn’t the right time to think about it, but it was never the right time. He stared at the ground blankly, trying to shake those thoughts out of his head. He didn’t- he couldn’t be crushing. That was just ridiculous. He was almost twenty and he didn’t know what to do with feelings. How did think he was grown up at all?

The room and the darkness felt suffocating. He had to get out. Think about it clearly. Work it out. Realize he was wrong and just imagining things. He needed a distraction.

A loud knock on the door startled him out of his spiral of thoughts and he exhaled slowly, remaining impossibly still as TJ stood up to answer. His side suddenly felt icy cold, missing TJ’s warmth. He kept his eyes trained on the screen, pointedly ignoring that sensation. The movie was still running, but the volume was off. Magnus stared at the tv until his vision blurred out. He barely registered the others moving around the room and the music coming in through the door. He didn’t even know what he was thinking about. There was a vague soft voice in the back of his mind whispering that denial wasn’t going to bring him anywhere, that he should just face the facts and get on with it. He felt like he was stuck in a hazy cloud. It was a bit exhilarating, all of it. Twenty years of life and the thought of fucking up a friendship because his heart sped up when he saw someone had never crossed his mind.

He shook himself awake. He wasn’t going to deal with this shit while TJ was still in the room. He needed to be alone for that. For the first time, the party seemed to be almost god-sent, the perfect justification and distraction. Nobody would notice anything and he’d have distractions thrown at him from every corner.

Magnus dragged himself to the door, where his friends where standing, peeking out and checking how the party was evolving. He didn’t interrupt their chatter and planning of the party, preferring to observe TJ’s hands and how they moved as he spoke animatedly. He thought he recognized a couple of sign gestures, but they were so casual and out of context he almost laughed when TJ unknowingly signed something along the lines of STOP HAMBURGER.

In a few minutes the halls were full of roaming students, voices loud and hands tight around bottles and cups. People came in and out of their dorm, chatting lightly and complaining about courses as they moved through the rooms like busy bees. Except they were looking for alcohol and company.

Magnus stood against a wall for the first hour, focusing more on how the light faded fast than on the people attempting to talk to him. He put in minimal effort to look friendly, smiling and nodding as strangers tried to involve him in conversation. As the umpteenth person leaned against the wall next to him sighing, he took a sip of his beer, trying to look too busy to talk. Grimacing, he realized his beer was getting warm. Too much time standing still. He considered getting another, but he didn’t want to lose his spot against the wall. He spared a glance at the girl next to him and she looked seconds away from starting a conversation. That made the decision for him. The route to the kitchen was relatively free, so he detached himself from the wallpaper. He killed some time in the kitchen, enjoying the fact that the voices and music sounded muffled from there.

As he walked back in the living room, still regretting his choice, he heard TJ call his name from another corner of the room and his head shot up. The boy wordlessly invited him to come over to the disarrayed chairs and pillows where he and another few people were sitting. Magnus hesitated for a second, before walking over, cherishing being included into some kind of group. That still didn’t stop him from standing awkwardly by TJ’s chair, not really knowing what to do or say, but TJ was smiling wide again, so it was okay.

He settled on sitting cross-legged on the ground between Mallory and TJ, who immediately took advantage of the position to ruffle his hair. He looked away quickly when Magnus shot him a look, disapproving his decision to tangle his hair. Magnus sighed and leaned back against TJ’s chair, letting the loud and high pitched voices wash over him. Mallory and Halfborn were bickering, but the edge in their voices was nonexistent, erased by a tipsy slurring. Magnus hadn’t realized how late it had got, but it was all deep dark outside, he noticed with a shiver. There were other three people in the circle that Magnus had never seen before, sitting in front of him, but they were animatedly talking with TJ about some book they were reading for class, something about spirits on an island. It didn’t sound like anything Magnus had ever read, so he didn’t even try to join the conversation, preferring to just listen mindlessly as his thoughts were muffled by the soft haze created by the alcohol he’d drank and the familiarity of the circle. God, he had no idea he held alcohol so terribly.

He didn’t even realize he was leaning against TJ’s legs until he felt his friend’s fingers slowly carding through his hair again. Magnus looked up, but TJ was fully engaged in his conversation and his hands were moving on their own. It was soothing and the softest thing Magnus had felt in a while. He started to drift off without noticing; the noise and booming voices didn’t seem to even reach him.

He shot up awake when Halfborn’s shout broke through his quiet bubble. He stayed still, feeling disoriented as all the people around him slid off their chairs to sit cross-legged on the ground. Magnus looked at TJ for an explanation, but the boy just smiled and shrugged, looking way too amused by Magnus’s confusion for his sleepy disgruntled self’s taste. Magnus didn’t have to insist though, because Halfborn slid an empty bottle in the center of the circle and Magnus almost felt like his soul had left him promptly. He groaned in disbelief and rubbed his hands on his face, trying to shake off the last lingering shadows of sleep. He really didn’t want to do this.

They were adults, could they really still play truth or dare? It was stupid. It was childish. It was going to end in tears and shame and regret. He decided to stay, though, against his common sense and self-preservation instinct. He’d live through it and he’d make the effort not to totally hate it.

He braced himself as Halfborn made the bottle spin, quietly praying not to be chosen first. His exhaled only when the bottle landed on the girl in front of him, who chose a truth. Magnus didn’t pay much attention to the question Halfborn shot her, but fixed his eyes on the ground instead. He was way too aware of TJ’s weight against him, as their shoulders were touching and their knees bumped together when TJ laughed, which was often. They were all going from tipsy to slightly drunk really fast.

The bottle spun again and Mallory called a dare. They made her sing the national anthem with the heaviest Irish accent she could muster. Against all expectations, Magnus was having fun. Soon enough the whole group was joining Mallory, trying to recall the correct lyrics through the alcohol-induced dizziness. TJ threw his arm around Magnus’ shoulders and he physically felt himself melt into the contact.

Soon enough he suddenly went stiff, even if he tried not to, frozen up by not knowing what to do at all. He felt his throat tighten as everything started to feel like _toomuchtoosoon_ , but TJ tugged him towards him and Magnus let himself lean against his side, awkwardly trying to rest his head on his shoulder. He breathed. It was nice, staying like that.

It was nice until he noticed the glances Mallory and Halfborn were shooting them and then at each other, like they knew something Magnus didn’t. He knew, though, that the look they sent each other only meant bad news. He pushed himself closer to TJ, stealing his warmth, trying to keep his anticipation out of thoughts. Instead, he made himself burn into his memory the feeling of TJ pressed so close to him. He almost hoped the party never ended.

He distractedly watched the bottle spin once again, paying more attention to the way TJ’s fingers tapped on his arm than on the laughter and squeaks around him. It all died suddenly and it took him a whole second to come back to himself and realize that the reason they were all staring at him was because the bottle had landed on them.

Magnus felt a shiver run down his spine, mixed feelings making him feel on fire and freezing at the same time. He straightened fast, leaning away from TJ and turning to look at him.

“Dare,” TJ said, grinning wildly. Halfborn’s wolfish smile grew wider. Magnus didn’t like it _at all._

“Well,” everyone was hanging on his words. Magnus wondered if every heart was beating as fast as his. “I dare you to kiss Magnus.”

Some tiny, tiny part of him was expecting it, but that didn’t stop all his organs from dropping into the void with dread. He forced himself to look at TJ, to study his reaction, as much as he feared it. His smile was fading, replaced by confusion and what Magnus guessed was muted anger, but both disappeared just as fast as they had flashed on his face.

Neither of them moved. TJ was staring at Halfborn coolly, still and frowning like a statue. Magnus felt his soul crumble in the silence that had fallen on the group. TJ was going to say no. With no fault to him, but it was going to be awkward, awful. Everything was going to be ruined and Magnus couldn’t do anything to stop it, he knew it _he knew it._

Magnus was snapped out of his thoughts when he felt TJ’s hand slide up his arm, strangely cold. His eyes darted up to his face, completely lost, expecting the worst. But TJ was smiling, like it was no big deal at all. Magnus didn’t know if he was relieved or not. He didn’t know anything at all. He barely managed to stiffly nod to TJ’s quiet question, then his lips where on his and nothing existed anymore. Everything was replaced by that soft, warm sensation. Magnus felt like flying, like falling.

It ended too soon. One second time and space were gone, the next Magnus was back sitting on the ground, one hand loosely resting on TJ’s side. He felt like bouncing back with too much force, suddenly aware of how close they were, of his warmth, of the unreadable emotion in his eyes.

He couldn’t do this. He had to leave. Immediately.

His panic must had shown, because TJ moved back, a worried crease forming on his forehead as he watched Magnus stand up so fast his vision went black. He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t know where he was going or if he had apologized. His body was on autopilot and carrying him somewhere else. Somewhere far and silent. Somewhere he could think. And cry. _Heknewitheknewitheknewit_

He had fucked up and he wasn’t sure there was a way to fix it. Darkness had never been so inviting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoo i'm back after almost two whole weeks, but school has been heavy and my motivation kinda went out of the window. Half the chapter was still drafted during class anyway lmao. Okay uhm a problem has arisen: i've rewritten the division of the plot in chapters like, five times now, but i still don't manage to follow it. This chapter should have had another 3000 words or so to follow my initial plan, but that was so not happening, so i cut it shorter (i mean it's still 3.7k words). The plot is going to advance Really Slowly, i'm sorry. i promise alex will appear again soon. i promise this will actually have a plot. but it's probably going to be twice as many chapters as originally planned so i have no idea how long it will take me.  
> once again, i apologize in advance because i don't know when the next chapter is going to be ready, especially with may starting soon and that means finals and Death. With summer, updates will 90% be more frequent, i hope  
> anyway catch me projecting on Magnus Too Much (tm)  
> see you next time, hope youre enjoying  
> (if you are maybe leave me kudos/a comment bc that would make my day and motivate me af  
> that's all bye!!!)


	4. Through the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is a mess and has to deal with the party's consequences, whether he likes it or not. there's a lot of panicking in here

His phone clock said it was minutes until midnight. Magnus was crouched in the darkest and most hidden corner he could find in the library. He had sought it out mechanically, walking past people he hadn’t even seen, desperate to find some peace.

He knew precisely how long he had been sitting on the ground there. Twenty-two minutes. His neck had got sore fast, but he didn’t have the energy to move, so he kept his head on his knees, blankly watching the numbers on the screen change. the tears had long dried and his skin felt tight on his cheekbones, but it was too late to wipe them away and get rid of that sensation. Every single one of his sense felt numb, like the world around him had been sucked away by the darkness. Even the rough denim against his cheek didn’t feel like anything anymore.

He had no idea of what to do next. Or right then, for what it was worth.

Some part of him knew he couldn’t stay in that corner forever, wallowing in dismay, but that voice sounded far and muted to him. He didn’t even know if he could move anymore. Maybe he’d turn to stone and he’d never have to deal with anything ever again. That was a way better option than gathering up enough energy and going back to the dorms. The thought of seeing TJ again made him feel physically sick.

He didn’t want to think about it yet, but it kept replaying in his brain. His memory showed it like he was watching himself from outside and that was, in all honesty, even worse. He closed his eyes when the phone screen went dark again, feeling empty like all was left of him was just a shell.

He let the minutes pass without making a plan for the near future, thinking no coherent thought. Maybe he should call Blitzen, he thought, the idea reaching him out of the blue like- like a lighthouse in the fog. Blitzen always knew what to do, maybe he could help him, give him some hope. He reached for the phone before he had even made up his mind.

He fumbled with his phone as he tried to unlock it with one hand, but thankfully Blitz was on top of his contacts. He straightened up as the phone rang, letting his spine and shoulders relax. His head hit the wall behind him and he decided it was okay, even if his neck would probably hurt for days. He brought his phone to his ear and waited, counting the trills.

Blitzen picked up just as Magnus was starting to give up and his voice, as annoyed and sleepy as it sounded, lit up something warm inside him. He hadn’t even realized it was cold.

“What is it, kid?” his grunt was distorted by the radio waves, but it was enough to make Magnus feel like he wasn’t that empty. He tried to answer, to conjure up a joke or even just an ehi, but he couldn’t remember how to speak. All he knew was the sinking feeling in his chest. A wave of anxiety made his face burn. notnownotnownotnow “Kid?”

Magnus exhaled slowly, trying to calm down, reset everything to factory settings.

“Blitz,” his voice felt rough and scratchy. He hated it. “I fucked up.” He hated the tears that were threatening to spill again.

He heard shuffling on the other side of the line and suddenly realized he had woken Blitz up. Was there something he hadn’t fucked up yet?

“What happened?” Blitz sounded worried; Magnus could almost see his furrowed brows. Nothing helped to make him feel better. He didn’t know how to breathe quietly without letting tears fall again. “Magnus, talk to us,”

“Uh, well, it was- I was at a party, I guess and,” he closed his eyes tight, trying to organize his thoughts, to recall everything he wanted to say, but thoughts scattered away too fast for him. “I was with my roommates and- okay, uhm, little flashback, but I guess I _might_ like this guy and-” he cut himself off, gasping for air. He was crying again, even if he didn’t want that, even if it was useless. He barely heard Blitz calling his name, too distant. He came back to his senses suddenly, his head was spinning. “And obviously we had to play, uhm, truth or dare, because we’re fucking adults, right? A-and my friend thought- he-” he groaned in annoyance, hastily wiping the tears away, trying to make the choking sensation go away. He just wanted it to be over. He wished he was home. “What happened was that we- we kissed. Me and the guy I kind of like, my roommate, and I- I- _Christ,_ I’m sorry, I can’t-” _breathe._

He slammed a hand on his mouth, crying quietly. He grew frustrated fast, but it made everything twice as complicated to deal with. He didn’t know why he was reacting like that. He didn’t know. He just wished he could stop it all.

“Magnus. Listen to me, okay? Breathe, slowly, in, and out. It’s okay.” Magnus kind of wanted to laugh at that, because how could that help? He had no emergency exit out of that.

He held his breath in until it hurt and focused on forcing back the swelling feeling of hopelessness, schooling his face into a blank expression. He exhaled only when the tears stopped, breathing out slowly through gritted teeth. Blitz’s voice was a vague murmur and Magnus made himself think of it as a soothing background noise. Virtually, his friend was close. He didn’t dare speak until he felt like he wasn’t going to fall apart anymore.

“Okay, I’m good,” he muttered, wincing a bit at how harsh his voice sounded. Blitz sighed, relieved, but Magnus decided not to think about it at all.

“Are you hurt?” it came so out of the blue, Magnus had to take a second to reply. His reaction might have been a little too extreme for the futile situation he was in. He wished he knew how to function properly.

“No, I’m not. I’m- I’m overreacting.” He covered half of his face with his hand, sighing. “We kissed. I got scared. Ran. Now I’m hiding in the library and I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know why I panicked, that was dumb.” He felt empty again. His tone hadn’t changed once.

The flood of feelings from before seemed so far away and unreal. The void of emotion he felt made it seem impossible. He guessed his feelings worked like a switch, either none or all at the same time. It tired him out.

“It’s not the catastrophe I had anticipated. At least you’re not dying, right?” Blitz talked slowly, measuring his words. Magnus didn’t find the energy to laugh at his question, but appreciated it. “We can find a solution, I promise you there’s a way out of this.”

“Thank you,” Magnus whispered, trying to reassure Blitzen more than anything else. “I feel so stupid for freaking out about such a thing. I should have a compass for this shit, after- yeah.”

“You’re doing the thing.”

“What thing?” he didn’t manage to hide the annoyance at the change of topic. It sounded too much like the start of a lecture and he didn’t feel like listening to one.

“You… you are putting distance between yourself and what happened, I don’t know how good it is.”

“Well, I’m trying not to start crying again,” he shot back, his voice clipped as his throat tightened threateningly.

“Oh kid, that’s alright. And you weren’t overreacting either. It’s normal, you had to deal with it somehow.” Magnus almost scoffed at that, but stopped himself. It’d be rude. He knew Blitz meant well.

“Yeah, maybe normal for me,” he settled for a bitter, self-deprecating tone, “I don’t know how many people would have a breakdown because they don’t want to go back to their room and live with the consequences of their actions.”

Blitz stayed silent for a while; Magnus guessed he was thinking. Or talking to Hearth. He didn’t mind the quiet anyway. He took the chance to stretch out his legs. Moving his muscles again seemed to make his soul fall back in its place. Sure, he still didn’t want to let his emotions come back, but it was a tiny progress. He decided to actively ignore the growing bubble of anger sitting uncomfortably in his chest; it was completely uncalled for.

“Do you want to come here for the night?” Magnus jumped a bit, not expecting Blitz to speak. He considered it fast, imagining what he’d have to do, counting down all the energy he’d need to go back to Boston.

“Uh, I don’t feel like taking the train so late at night,”

“It’s alright, I can drive there. Or do you have a place to stay?”

“It would be four am before we make it back to Boston if you come here. Blitz, don’t worry, really. I can find a place, uh, ask a friend,” he grimaced a bit. He didn’t really have a friend to ask.

“Are you sure?” Magnus _hated_ lying to Blitzen. And Hearth, because Blitz was totally signing their conversation to him. Fuck.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll survive.” The implication that it wasn’t the worst thing he had ever faced lingered dangerously over his words. Magnus prayed no one would mention it.

“Well then, text me when you’ve found somewhere to sleep. If you aren’t in bed by three am, I’m picking you up.” Blitz sounded so weirdly serious, it was completely out of character. It almost made Magnus laugh.

“Alright mum, I promise I’ll text you. Love you, thank you, goodnight.”

Blitz barely managed to get his goodnight in before Magnus cut the call, dropping his hand back on his legs. He kind of felt like crying again, but he could already feel the start of a headache, so whatever. He felt ragged, scrunched up, all creases and tears. He wasn’t used to that anymore, it made the room feel colder.

He stared at the ground without seeing it, trying to think of an actual solution. Talking to Blitz hadn’t been anything more than a distraction (and a confession), he was still empty-handed. He would probably have to sleep in that corner, hoping that no one would walk on him. But then again, it was a Saturday night. The library was going to be empty for a good day and that fit perfectly with his plans.

He shuffled a bit in place, attempting to find something close to comfort. There wasn’t much to find. His back was going to hurt so much. Not that it was a new thing. He decided he was going to wait an hour or so before texting Blitz, to make sure his lie worked.

He crossed his arms and drew his knees to his chest, trying to keep his warmth close. He took comfort in the fact that he was in a closed building, as safe as he could get. It’d be alright. It would pass. It was not forever.

He tried to fall asleep, with his head on his knees, but sleep didn’t come. All his senses were on hyperfocus, hearing footsteps and movement where there was nothing.

Wait no.

His head shot up so fast he felt a nerve twitch painfully. He got ready to stand up and run. There _were_ footsteps coming towards him. He went impossibly still, all his muscles turning to stone and his breath becoming shallower until it almost stopped.

The library was too big to tell where the other person was or where they were going. At times they were too close, but the next second Magnus could barely hear them.

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he saw a light flash swiftly through the books hiding him from the rest of the room. Was it a guard? Someone checking for closing time? That made little sense, but he didn’t move, didn’t dare to breathe, keeping his eyes fixed on the little gaps over the books.

The footsteps kept moving around, light enough not to make a sound. Magnus’ arms were shaking with fear as he prayed they’d go away. He just wanted to be left alone, was it too much? He pretended he wasn’t illegally hiding in a library, he wasn’t doing it with bad intentions.

Suddenly a bright flash shone straight in his eyes, blinding him and making him yelp in surprise and pain. He brought a hand to shield his face from the harsh light, but whoever was holding it lowered it. He tried to look at them through his fingers but the dark was too black and there were dots swimming in his vision. He rubbed his eyes, waiting for an order to get out, but the other person was weirdly quiet.

He looked up again when his eyes started seeing again, eyeing warily the source of light before looking up at the person’s face. He made a strangled sound as he recognized the bicolored eyes almost shining in the shadows. That- Alex was the last person he wanted to meet in the middle of the night while doing something potentially illegal. His heart threatened to ram a hole through his chest.

“Uh, Alex,” he coughed awkwardly, uncomfortably aware of the fact he was sprawled on the ground, probably looking like a mess. “What are you doing here?”

She stared at him blankly, probably just as surprised as Magnus to find him there. She blinked twice, humming indecisively.

“I was closing the library, actually. Maybe I should ask what _you_ are doing here,” her eyes narrowed, daring him to lie to her. Well, that was a twist.

“I was, uh, well, hiding, I guess I could say.” The night was too long, too many things could happen. He probably wouldn’t survive it.

“Damn.” Her mouth was a perfectly straight line. Magnus wanted to be impressed, but it couldn’t get through the sheer fear he was feeling. “At least get off the ground, there are better hiding places than the religious literature section.”

It took Magnus a second to register her words. He just stared at her, trying to understand if she was going to kill him. He hadn’t considered the fact that they were on friendly terms, somehow. He got up too fast for his blood pressure and he had to use the wall as support not to fall down again. With that, he had lived his share of embarrassment for the month. Alex was still looking at him weirdly.

“What?” he asked, returning her glare in what he hoped was an annoyed way.

“Are you drunk?”

“What? No!” he raised a hand protectively when he saw her twist the flashlight in her hand. “I’m- I’m sober enough to know that I don’t want that thing in my face again, _thanks_.”

Her grin was devilish, like he had just caught her red-handed. Magnus couldn’t choose whether to like her or be scared of her. A mixture of both was probably what she aimed for.

“Let’s go, I want to close this place down.”

Magnus didn’t let her repeat herself and followed her as she walked away, flashing the light from wall to wall. He buried his hands in the jeans pockets as a cold feeling of dread dropped on his chest. Was she going to report him? What would happen now? Was he going to be kicked out? He could probably mark it down as the worst night in the last five years.

“So, what were you hiding for?” Alex looked at him for a second as she asked it, before turning around again and continuing her march.

“Oh, man, it’s a long story.” He glanced at the back of her head, debating how much to tell her. “Let’s just say I created an awkward situation with my roommates and seeing them is not ideal now.”

“Well, I don’t know what made you think that camping in the library was a good idea, because it was a terrible one,” she smiled at him, only half apologetically. Magnus thought he liked the absolute lack of pity. “But I’m pretty sure that couches are comfier than the cold, hard ground of knowledge.”

“Aw, who would have thought. Pretty sad they don’t give out couches like that,” against all odds, Magnus found himself half smiling. No one had ever told him sarcasm could lift spirits like that.

“Add that to the list of things capitalism fucked up,” Alex shot back, biting back a chuckle.

He didn’t find the strength to laugh, but an appreciative hum seemed to have the same effect, as Alex smiled in a more genuine way. He felt like he had passed some kind of test.

_What the fuck_ , Magnus thought, it shouldn’t be so easy to hold a conversation. Or should it?

“Seriously though, do you need a place to crash at?” she only spared him a glance as she went on with her work. He struggled to find a proper reaction.

“I guess yeah, it would be nice,” he muttered tentatively, shrugging because, really, that was too good to be true.

“I happen to have a couch and I kicked out my roommates, so if you don’t feel too weird about sleeping in the same dorm as a stranger…” she let her words fall into silence, staring straight at him in an unnerving way. He did his best to hold her stare, but it was hard to think while under so much pressure. It almost didn’t seem real.

“Don’t _you_ feel weird about having a stranger sleep on your couch?” he said at length, trying to study her reaction, but she just shrugged, looking unfazed. “You’re my savior.” It sounded more serious that it was meant to be and Alex broke into an amused laughter.

“Don’t make me regret my choice, golden boy.” Magnus gaped at her, at loss for words, as she smirked and turned around, walking away.

“I owe you a lot, like, _holy shit_ ,” Magnus blurted out, tripping on his own words as he tried to find something more appropriate than shell-shocked awe. He caught up with her in the white circle of the torch with a little sprint, staring at her like she had a halo.

“I’ll think about it, I don’t want to waste a good favor. Please, don’t turn out to be an asshole,”

“Why, you want to befriend me?” he asked, smiling a bit as she shot him a deadly glare.

“I _am_ befriending you. You keep appearing on my path, so fuck it, I’ll have you on it on my conditions.” She scowled at Magnus’ smile, almost reprimanding him for finding it nice.

“I like the way destiny is working,” He mumbled. Alex didn’t reply, so he focused on walking at the same pace as her. Something warm stirred inside his chest, swatting away worry and heartbreak. Feeling Alex’s vibe next to him was like a patch on his bruised soul. It was a decent temporary fix, he decided. Enough to take his mind off the night events, at least for another little while.

-

They got back to the dorms a while later and everything felt surreal until they heard the music coming out of the windows and the loud voices filling every space. Magnus almost felt sick, but he didn’t falter, following Alex as she made her way through the sweaty bodies and the glass bottles being waved around. He looked straight ahead, eyes fixed on Alex’s green hair, trying to find the place in his mind the farthest from where he was. He stopped walking when Alex did, in front of a door that could have easily been his. He pressed himself against the wall to avoid people bumping into him while he waited for Alex to unlock the door. He would have cracked a joke on the fact that she had her keys, but he didn’t have the energy. His eyes were closing on their own and he felt like was walking on the thin edge between tired and zombie. That, and there was the feeling of impending doom hovering on his head like an ax, just the faintest thought that a few doors down there was- yeah, no, he wanted to keep his head on for at least another few minutes.

They slid in the room fast and Alex locked the door behind them, sighing tiredly. Magnus stood stiffly in a corner while she disappeared behind a door and reappeared seconds later with a blanket.

“I’d say feed yourself, but I think the fridge is empty, sorry about that.”

Magnus shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself, peeking around a bit. Alex moved around the room fast, carelessly throwing things in bags and cupboards to pretend the room was tidy.

Magnus made himself sit down on the couch, dragging his fingers on the blanket as he studied the apartment. It looked just like his, so his anxiety could rest assured that worst case scenarios could be handled. He finally managed to enjoy the fact that he was actually safe. He almost felt like he could lower his guard. Alex was just another kid and she seemed as uncomfortable as him being there in silence.

Magnus started to look around almost desperately, trying to find something that could make an okay conversation starter, as much as he just wanted to sleep. His eyes caught on Alex’s ankles, where colors flashed as she walked around.

“I like your socks,” he said bluntly. Alex turned around quickly, looking at him, then at her feet, then at him again. “They’re rainbow, they’re pretty. It’s science.” Magnus stared back at her sheepishly, raising his shoulders in a semi-shrug. Alex smirked as if she had just figured out something big, lips slightly parted with a huffed laugh.

The silence felt tense as words slipped on Magnus’ tongue eager to get out and fill the space. Maybe recklessly, maybe not.

“I’m pan.” It felt better, out loud. “I’m naturally drawn to rainbows.”

Magnus guessed it would be awkward, but Alex was smiling from ear to ear. It was raw, it was pure energy.

“I knew you weren’t a bad bet.”

Magnus felt his blood freeze.

“Bet?” he struggled to get out, heart suddenly hammering in his chest.

“Oh, metaphorically. I don’t bet on real people. Kind of.” Alex explained fast, keeping her cool with evident effort. “I just thought you didn’t completely suck, but I can’t just trust instincts.”

_Oh._

“So it is all an ongoing test?” Magnus found himself smiling softly, heart rate slowing down fast. He would have said something else, but he had to cover his mouth to hide a yawn.

“Yeah, it is, I guess, but you should probably sleep now. Wouldn’t want you to become a zombie just yet.”

Magnus nodded in agreement, still not managing to stop the yawns. Alex walked out of the room with a soft-spoken goodnight and turned off the lights, leaving him alone in the dark. He feebly replied and dropped back on the couch, lazily laying the blanket on his legs. At the last second, he remembered to turn on his phone and shoot a quick text to Blitz. He fell asleep without a dark thought in sight. He didn’t dream a thing.

-

The return of the ball of anxiety and a restless feeling was what woke him up the next morning, even if he heard a disembodied voice apologizing from the noise when the couch groaned as he sat up. Honestly though, that startled him awake more than the sick feeling in his guts. It took him seconds to clear his vision and realize where he was and why he recognized the voice softly humming in the distance.

_Oh right,_ he thought, sighing at the vague memories that popped up in his mind.

He stood up slowly, running his fingers through his hair. He went to lean against the entrance of the kitchenette, blearily watching his green-haired friend open and close cupboards.

“Morning,” he mumbled, trying to sound a bit more alive than he felt and failing miserably.

“Ehi, morning,” Alex turned around and her hair flew out of the loose bun she had tied. “Shit. Well, do you want breakfast?”

Magnus focused on how he felt and decided that if he even saw food, he’d throw up.

“No, thanks, it’s too early.”

“Good, because we’d have to go to the bar downstairs and coffee there _sucks_.” Alex jumped to sit on the counter, fiddling with a blister pack. “You know, I realized you slept here but we never introduced ourselves formally.”

“You didn’t seem like the formal type,” Magnus commented, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

“I’m not, but adults do this.”

“Fair enough. I’m Magnus Chase, premed student,” he motioned to ironically bow and Alex laughed.

“Alex Fierro, plastic arts student. Nice to meet you.”

“Wow, we’re so not in the same field,” Magnus tried to joke, but the sinking feeling in his guts was making it hard to find anything amusing.

“Can’t wait to see your name on a plaque in like, thirty years when you’ll graduate,”

Magnus weakly smiled at that. He crossed his arms and forced himself to think of a way to politely cut it short. Fuck. He wished he could enjoy talking to Alex, but he had a huge problem to fix.

“You okay?” his head shot up and he nodded fast.

“Yeah uh, I have a thing to deal with and shit, well, I’d love to stay, but I want to get that thing out of the way,” he felt embarrassment burn, but Alex just shrugged, her face unreadable as always. “If you want, we can meet up later, I still have to thank you for saving my life again,”

“Think of it like you owe me a favor, no need to thank me,” she smiled, tilting her head to the side innocently. “Save your number in my phone, I’ll text you,”

Magnus did as told and only hesitated on the name field, before writing his whole name. He didn’t feel like being extra.

He tried to thank her again, but she just brushed it off nonchalantly.

He walked out of the apartment, signing her goodbye by raising his hand to his temple and closed the door quietly. He stood still for a second, breathing slowly. He hoped TJ was in the apartment. He just wanted to get it over with.

Walking in the living room felt like coming back from a long absence. It didn’t look like it did normally, nor like it did the previous night, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking at the corner where they had been sitting. Jesus, he felt like such an idiot.

He froze a few steps into the room, noticing TJ’s curls peek up from the couch. He couldn’t do it he couldn’t, he should just walk out and- and yeah no, that was no good.

“Ehi,” he whispered, half hoping the boy wouldn’t hear him, but TJ jumped up like a spring, looking exhausted and surprised. His eyes were wide like he was looking at a ghost.

“I’m sorry,” they said at the same time, TJ with much more emphasis than Magnus, that just couldn’t find the energy to speak. They stared at each other in silence and Magnus took in the evident worry and relief making TJ’s mouth twitch.

“I’m sorry for leaving like that, I didn’t realize how bad it looked at the time,” Magnus said flatly, his voice unwavering. He dug his nails into his palms, cursing himself for not managing to handle talking and emotions at the same time.

“You don’t have to- Magnus, I thought you-” TJ breathed in slowly, looking away as he tried to recompose himself, “Do you hate me?” he asked at the end, shooting a piercing stare at Magnus. He had to stop himself from taking a step back, his breath cut short by the sudden wave of sorrow that went through him.

“No?” he hated that it came out as a question, but he couldn’t start believing TJ had actually asked that. “If anything, I thought _you_ hated me. I was… I was just scared, I wasn’t expecting it.”

TJ’s shoulders dropped as he seemed to relax. Magnus couldn’t piece it together. It was a terrible moment, how was he taking it so well?

“I’m sorry for what I did. It’s infuriating, it was not the place a-and it was really impulsive and I probably shouldn’t have said yes,” TJ looked away and sighed deeply. Magnus felt like on the verge of something big and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what came next. “But even now, I’m not sure that I would say no if I went back. Not knowing if I’d get another chance. I’m sorry for being so selfish.”

Magnus let TJ’s words fall in a void of silence, taking his time to tear them apart and understand. Minutes passed by as Magnus tried to take his whirling thoughts and make them into words. He was stunned and shocked and he wished that running away was an option, even if he was tired of doing that. Only one thought echoed in his head, in the end, as much as he wished it away.

“I don’t regret taking that chance either,” he said, voice terse, painfully sincere. “I regret running away, but I don’t know how to process things, so.” His excuse was weak and he knew it, but TJ nodded almost solemnly, accepting it. Maybe understanding, even if Magnus doubted that.

“It’s okay, that’s okay, I thought I had ruined everything, that would have been awful,” TJ admitted, voice low and raw.

“Yeah,” Magnus mumbled, feeling the heavy tangle of ugly things unwind, letting him breathe a bit easier. He suddenly felt a spark of bravery light up and he spoke up, words strained as ever. “If you ever think of taking another chance, just warn me before doing so,”

He lived for the utterly surprised look that morphed TJ’s face, making his jaw drop and his eyes shoot open wide, at loss for words. He let a tiny smile appear on his lips, brushing away the anxiety still lingering around.

“I- I will?” TJ breathed out, still looking like he couldn’t believe any of it. “I’m sorry for, you know, everything.”

In a last rush of courage, Magnus walked closer to the other boy, lightly putting a hand on his shoulder. “Stop apologizing, it wasn’t _that_ bad,”

With a last smile, he walked past TJ to get into his room and heave himself onto his bed. He heard TJ laugh softly as he pulled out his phone to check it. He gave himself a reassuring clap on the back for surviving the confrontation.

“You sure are something else,” TJ said softly, appearing in the doorway, looking a bit more alive.

“How?” Magnus playfully shot back, the tension completely melting away. TJ looked taken aback and remained in contemplative silence for a couple of seconds.

“You’re just so…” he waved his hands around, trying to convey something that couldn’t be put into words. He gave up fast. “You just are.”

Magnus grinned at him, deciding it was a good way to put an end to that tiny disaster.

He moved his eyes back to the phone, unlocking it to check the notifications. One was a text from Blitz from the night before. Or that morning. Same thing. The other was from an unsaved number.

_Good luck, don’t die, it’d be a pity. –A_

Magnus saved the number, adding a little green emoji next to the name. He texted her a quick reply, asking if she was free for a coffee at five pm. He didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

“You know, your excuse that you had a morning class was really stupid,” TJ said, crossing his arms on Magnus’ mattress.

“Yeah, but you believed it when I told you,” he smiled devilishly, dropping the phone on his chest. TJ poked his leg, shaking his head.

Unspoken relief dyed the air around them, making everything seem lighter.

_I’m glad I didn’t ruin this just yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowie another chapter!! how is it only the fourth, it feels like much more than that rip. anyway, sorry for the wait, i struggled to put everything together. i'll be rushing things a little bc what is proper character development, i want to dive into the action. in the original planning the events of this chapter ended the first chapter. you can see how much it takes me to reach the point of something. i hope you like it and, as always, if you want, leave kudos/comments because it warms my cold, cold soul to read what you guys think of this mess  
> (random poll: am i projecting on magnus too much should i stop. also is the characterization okay hh)  
> have a nice week y'all!


	5. Humans are Complicated

It had been an alright couple of weeks. October was about to start and with it exams, but Magnus didn’t want to worry about them yet. Everything was fine with TJ, too. They hadn’t talked about _that_ anymore, but they were back on good not-awkward terms and they were comfortable around each other. Maybe too comfortable, as Halfborn liked to point out, before receiving death glares by both his girlfriend and TJ. Magnus was okay with their vague situation. He sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up.

So, overall, life was good. Also because he had found out he had a blank period right when Alex had one, so they had started meeting up and hanging out in a café near the cardiology building. Magnus guessed he could call her a friend, because they were at that level where they could just blurt out the most random things and the other would nod and agree. Or just plainly roast the other. It was nice, because Alex could go on for hours talking about an artist or a style or even just one masterpiece and Magnus was more than willing to listen to her talk. It was better than sneaking in one of her classes with her and listening to the lecture as the old-ass teachers seemed to turn to dust. Her eyes were bright as flames when she spoke, even if maybe the way she explained thing was a bit too colorful and rich of paradoxical comparisons that wouldn’t be appropriate on an academic paper. She liked to dominate the conversation, but Magnus didn’t mind. He really didn’t feel like ranting on cell structure or the chemical compounds of the human body.

Sometimes he wished he had chosen to study something that could make small talk material, but the thought of studying anything different that medicine made him shudder.

At times though Alex would ask some really direct questions, right in the middle of nothing, like who was the teacher he hated the most in high school or what movie he had watched a thousand times or even just if he preferred vanilla or chocolate. (Chocolate, obviously). Magnus tried to anticipate her, ask questions back, but she always took him  by surprise and everything he said sounded dull compared to the sharp emotions he heard in her voice.

She was like a giant star, a nuclear fusion going off at all times, too much to even begin understanding. She was a mystery and a secret and each of her answers felt short and vague, too little compared to what she held inside. Sometimes Magnus doubted he’d ever find out the tiniest part of her, but he decided he’d take everything slowly. He wouldn’t want to dig up his memories for a random someone. He was okay with finding their own rhythm.

-

All was fine even when he was sprawled on the couch, notebook in his lap, half drifting off in an unplanned nap. (but damn, uni was exhausting). TJ was sitting on the ground under him, pen repeatedly tapping against his knee as he revised for his first exam. Halfborn had gone to Mallory’s dorm, after claiming that the two freshmen were talking it too seriously for it to be any good.

Magnus had looked at TJ and he had clearly read in his eyes the same thought he had had. “I’m not going to take it easy until I know what the standards are”.

Was TJ overkilling it by memorizing the names of the minor characters of the epic poem he had had to read? Was Magnus by comparing three different textbooks? Honestly, probably. They would care when the first batch of exams was done. And with that determination, they marched on.

Magnus shook his head, trying to get himself to focus on the tiny print in front of him, but three minutes later he closed everything, giving up because he hadn’t actually read a word. He was deciding on tormenting TJ when the door flew open. Magnus looked at TJ, surprised. It was too early for Halfborn to be back already. But the figure standing in the door way made even less sense.

“Magnus! Code red! I need you cool doctor skills!” Alex dramatically exclaimed, dropping his bag to the ground, the other hand shielding the lower half of his face. Magnus just stared at him blankly for a second. His brain was having a hard time realizing he wasn’t dreaming that.

“Alex, how the fuck did you break in here?” he got up slowly, ignoring the way his muscles protested at the sudden movement. His reflexes saved him from getting smacked in the face by the keys Alex threw at him.

“You left them in my room earlier. I couldn’t waste a chance. Oh, hi TJ!” he moved his hand away from his face to wave at the boy, uncovering the mess on his face. Magnus’ heart skipped a beat.

“What the hell did you _do_?” he jumped up and went over to him in a rush. There as too much blood to tell the damage, but it looked bad. Alex flashed him a devilish grin and distractedly licked the blood on his upper lip, staining his teeth bright red.

“I told you, I need you to apply what they’re teaching you. Show us you’re not wasting you money.”

Magnus wondered if Alex could go a minute without a sarcastic remark. He guessed that if he was so upbeat, he wasn’t in too much pain. Nothing too terrible, then. Except that the blood was dripping to the floor.

He whispered a soft fuck under his breath and dragged his friend to the tiny bathroom. Magnus held up a hand to keep Alex out of the room, as it was really too small for two people to be in there.

He made Alex move to the kitchen counter and dropped cotton, disinfectant and various rolls of bandages in a disarrayed mess. He frowned at Alex, who was still smiling as blood pooled on his lips, and ordered him to tilt his head back. He cleaned the blood off his face, careful not to accidentally hurt him, but at the same time making sure he looked pissed.

“Do you think your nose is broken?” he lightly touched the bridge of his nose, but nothing seemed out of place. Alex made a clicking noise with his tongue and Magnus assumed that meant no. “You just burst some capillaries, then. And split your lip. I think it’s going to bruise,” he simply stated, staring at him sharply. Alex just raised an eyebrow and mouthed a ‘what?’. Magnus broke eye contact and went to the freezer to get ice, sighing quietly. “So you won’t tell me how you got punched?”

“Who said I got punched?”

“It was the honor-saving option, the other was you tripping down the stairs.”

“Oh, thank you for your thoughtfulness. I did get punched, yes.”

Magnus’s hand twitched nervously around the ice packed. He handed it to Alex and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. He watched Alex grimace at the cold and, he guessed, the pain. He patiently waited for him to recompose himself enough to start talking. He shot a glance towards the living room, where TJ had claimed the couch and was so not suspiciously observing them from over the cushions. TJ glanced back, shrugging dismissively.

“Okay so, I was in a lecture and the topic kind of landed on the LGBT influence on most arts and obviously there had to be this asshole dude taking the class. He didn’t even try to make a point, he was just plainly crass. So after the lecture I felt the need to walk up to him and ask him why on earth he thought it was appropriate to interrupt a class just to remind everyone he is straight, cis and he doesn’t agree with historical facts. I guess he didn’t like my tone, but the dude sure lacked vocabulary.” He shook his head, muttering with condescension about the guy’s poor neurons. Magnus snorted without intending to.

“And you just left after he punched you?”

“No! of course not! I thought you knew me a bit better, Maggie.” Alex looked downright offended. “I punched him back. He didn’t like that either. No-” he raised a hand to stop Magnus from expressing his disagreement. “No, we didn’t get into a full fight, no worries, I’m not that dumb.”

“You do look like you could beat up a guy,” TJ commented from the living room, smiling in awe.

“Why, thank you,” Alex nodded to him, “See, he appreciated me. Why are you frowning at me, Maggie?”

“Firstly, because you’re calling me Maggie. Secondly, because you just barged in my apartment covered in blood.”

“I don’t regret it,” he stated, wiggling a finger around to underline his words.

“Is it going to happen often? Having to patch you up?” Alex’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“If you don’t want to deal with this, I can just go to the nurse’s office, no problem.” His tone was exactly apologetic, but he seemed to have understood something.

“No!” Magnus’ voice sounded strained. “That’s not what I meant.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. That fact that TJ was right in the next room didn’t help either. “I’d rather know you’re okay and stuff. I just… should I get a first aid kit?”

Alex’s smile was almost soft. Or as close as it got to it. “Yeah, maybe that’d be for the best.”

“Great,” Magnus whispered. Would life always be that exhausting? He walked out of the kitchen to retrieve his abandoned books and buy himself some seconds to chill. He hadn’t been ready to see blood. On Alex. Fuck. Maybe medicine wasn’t the right path. He huffed out a laughter. Yeah, right.

He distractedly stared at TJ while he tried to tune out Alex complaining in the other room. It took him a second to realize TJ was putting his shoes on.

He made a questioning noise and TJ looked up to him with a tiny smile.

“I’m going to a friend to revise, so you can have the dorm. Just, remember it’s pizza night.”

Magnus nodded stiffly and watched him leave, his mind already drifting away from that plane of reality.

He had been lying before. Not everything was fine. Not having actually spoken about what had happened had left a weird feeling, a background noise that Magnus could block out most of the time, but not always. There was this unspoken agreement not to mix friendships. TJ and co were a thing, Alex was another. It was mostly Magnus’ fault, for not knowing how to not feel guilty about making another friend behind their backs. But TJ had silently understood and he was doing his best to avoid sharing a room with Alex the rare times they crossed each other. It didn’t matter how much it made Magnus’ organs twitch, it kept things okay.

He raised a hand to acknowledge TJ’s goodbye, missing the momentum to say it back. Alex beat him to it and TJ had already closed the door when Magnus got his voice to cooperate. Yay short attention span.

Alex appeared on the doorway with his arms crossed and a look that spoke of trouble. He put the ice back on his face with an _ops_ when Magnus frowned at him.

“Do you have any plans for the day?”

“No?” he tried to conjure up his mental calendar, but it was blank. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, we have time, I also have cookies…”

“Couch potatoes?”

“Exactly what I was suggesting, thank you.”

Alex took over the couch without waiting for Magnus, leaving his feet to hang from a side. Magnus sat cross-legged on the ground in front of him, stealing his bag to look for the cookies. The boy started to chatter about a movie he had seen, apparently great, but also 80% porn. Magnus listened with interest, humming in agreement or confusion when Alex said something that didn’t make much sense. He was a terrible storyteller, Magnus concluded. He kept skipping back and forth and, honestly, if he hadn’t called the side character ‘big chicken’, he would have forgotten about him after the first time he was mentioned.

Alex might not have been great at keeping a chronological order, but it was okay, because at least it made the story sound twice as weird. Magnus was almost enraptured by the dramatic way Alex spoke. And the high pitched voice he used for some characters. God, he was amazing.

“So, why are you here, Maggie?” it was so sudden and ominous, Magnus didn’t understand what he meant, at first. He just stared at Alex, waiting for a clarification. “You know, here. Studying medicine. Not philosophically.” Alex laughed at the look of understanding that dawned on Magnus’s face.

“Oh, uhm, well, I just thought it’d be nice to help people. It’s a really cool degree. I’ll get to stay away from home for years _and_ see a brain in all its slimy glory.”

Alex made a disgusted sound at the mental picture. “That’s gross!” he exclaimed, pushing Magnus’ shoulder away.

“What about you?” Magnus shot back, hugging a pillow to his chest.

“I grew up in a ceramic lab, it’s like a family tradition,” his voice sobered quickly. “My abuelo taught me. I want to take it as seriously as I can.”

Magnus nodded, feeling like that was much more important than it sounded, like a real new piece to Alex’s mosaic.

“Did your parents approve of your uni choice?” Alex’s smile danced on his lips like a flame, changing the mood instantly. “I bet they were so proud of having a doctor in the family.”

Magnus tried to laugh it off, but he felt his blood freeze in his veins. His brain scrambled for a cover up answer, something that wouldn’t give away something too big.

“Yeah, well, they’d have nothing against it. A bit better than becoming a politician, a bit worse than a lawyer.”

Alex snorted, looking at Magnus like that was the dumbest thing he’d ever heard. Magnus decided not to ask him the question back, because the more they avoided the topic, the better. Alex seemed fine with that and, anyway, he was an unending flow of thoughts and questions. They’d manage just fine.

Somehow, fifteen minutes later, Magnus was stuffing his mouth with cookies while Alex rambled on that one teacher in high school that was probably a mind reader and found infinite pleasure in keeping Alex in the headmaster’s office. When Magnus asked what he did to deserve that, Alex smiled angelically.

“Apparently he didn’t appreciate being told that he sounded like a pre Great War textbook made human and that all his opinions were as obsolete as one.”

Magnus burst laughing, burying his face in the pillow. For some reasons he couldn’t understand, that was the epitome of fun.

“Once I got detention because people were flooding my desk to be nosy about my cast. I don’t know if teachers have a moral compass.”  
“What did you do to get a cast?” Alex’s playful voice conjured up in his mind all the freaky accidents scattered in his past.

“You know how in cartoons when dogs bite someone, they lock the jaw and get dragged around?” Alex stared at him in disbelief, or uncertainty, Magnus couldn’t tell, he was too busy enjoying the suspense of the moment. “I bothered a pug enough to have it bite me and never let go. It broke two fingers.” He held up his hand, moving his fingers, almost checking they still worked. Alex took his hand, looking entranced, brows furrowed together as he studied the skin and the white scars, barely visible anymore. “I’m lucky they healed well, or I’d be an useless surgeon,” he joked, tilting his head to see Alex’s expression. He had a look of total concentration in his eyes, as he turned Magnus’ hand between his, searching for every line.

Alex seemed alien in the bare apartment, but somehow he fit perfectly, blending in the dim light and the microcosm of the living room ~~and of Magnus’ life.~~

Magnus caught himself wishing he could kiss him right there. His heart jumped in his throat and he choked back the though. He had no time for that too.

Still the soft sensation in his core lingered.

\--

By the time Magnus remembered he had to order pizza, Alex had already left and Halfborn and Mallory were back. They were on one of their good periods, so they didn’t drastically change the mood. Magnus was thankful for that. He was a bit less thankful for the fact that they talked his ear off with an unlikely adventure in the woods they had on a distant summer. Magnus started zoning off the second he realized that was either going to end up as a horror or R rated.

He let them talk, only half listening as he tried to find the will to call the pizzeria. After a long internal struggle, comparing pros and cons, he turned off his phone and opened his laptop. God bless online services.

“What do you want on your pizzas?” he interrupted the two, who didn’t seem so interested in storytelling anymore. The bright redness on Mallory’s face told a completely different thing. they turned their attention to Magnus for a brief minute, just enough to let him order Halfborn’s disgusting everything pizza and Mallory’s extravagant chili pizza, before going back to their couple-y business. Magnus prayed for their taste buds.

He wasted his time, waiting for TJ to come back and save him from his third-wheeling boredom, scrolling idling through three different socials. He settled on watching vine compilations without sound and just subtitles on, mouthing the words as they went. His uni life was so sad. Well, his life, full stop.

TJ arrived a half hour later with the pizza man. A truly blessed sight. He wandered in while Magnus paid, but when he turned to go to the living room, TJ was right behind him, eyeing the boxes eagerly. He took two and checked the insides as they went back to the others.

“Hungry?” Magnus asked, smiling at him amusedly.

“Starving.” TJ flashed him a wide smile before dropping on the couch, barely waiting for the others to settle.

They didn’t put on a movie, because the show playing on cable was dumb enough to be background noise to their ritual night. They remained in silence while they stuffed and burnt their mouths with the boiling pizza, barely making any sounds except for rare comments on the terrible directing choices the show had made or the occasional “Jesus, TJ, don’t try to take over the couch, there’s enough space for the both of us” whenever TJ tried to put his legs on Magnus’. He didn’t really mind, he was just too aware of every contact between them.

It took him a while to notice that TJ was slowly inching towards him, trying to look sneaky about it and generally disinterested. By Halfborn’s face, it was probably more obvious than either of them thought. When their shoulders bumped together, Magnus stopped himself from saying anything, waiting to see what TJ aimed for. That didn’t keep him from leaning into TJ’s side, appreciating his warmth.

The boy ended up being plastered on him, almost like a koala. He rested his head on Magnus’ shoulder and Magnus felt his heart do a backflip. He thought to himself, solemnly, that it was the softest thing he had ever witnessed. Even if he felt as stiff as a stone. It was melting his soul. TJ’s hand was on his arm, then on his side, warm and comforting. Magnus looked at him, tracing his profile with his eyes, conflicted on what to do or, even better, how to feel.

They couldn’t possibly get closer, but somehow they did. Magnus forgot about his policy on physical contact, because that tangled hug was too good to give up and, to be fair, he couldn’t find anything uncomfortable about the situation. Were they cuddling? Jesus, that sounded so childish. They were just friends watching a movie together. Using each other as heat sources. Nothing else. It was all _very_ chill. Friends held hands all the time. He, of course, know a lot about friendships and stuff. Yeah. He so didn’t feel on the edge of self-combustion.

He was a goner.

TJ hadn’t moved in a while. Magnus guessed he had fallen asleep, but the boy’s head shot up instantly when Mallory let out a loud whistle.

“Get a room, you two!” Halfborn had a mischievous grin painted on his face, enough to prove they knew everything. Probably even what Magnus didn’t know.

His snarky comeback died in his throat when TJ untangled their limbs to stand up, leaving him cold and alone with a feeling of dread sinking his insides.

He fixed his stare on the TV when he realized how unfazed TJ looked, completely disinterested in whatever Halfborn’s knowing smile was implying. Even if he jumped off the couch in an upset rush. Maybe Magnus was just seeing things where there was nothing. He kept staring at the screen with enough hatred to melt it. He didn’t hear TJ calling his name at first, too deep in his moping.

“Do you want to make popcorn?” TJ asked when he looked up with a surprised sound.

“Yeah, sure,” he answered mechanically, getting up to follow him out of the room without deciding to. It was so odd, Magnus felt like walking through a dream. Oh wait. TJ just wanted to talk in private. He scoffed silently, his brain was totally fried.

TJ didn’t take initiative to speak, so Magnus settled for waiting, perched up on the kitchen counter, while the other looked for the things to make popcorn. He waited and waited for TJ to get comfortable enough to speak, whatever he might want to say.

“Does it bother you?” TJ stopped in the middle of the kitchen, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “What Halfborn said?”

Magnus decided to dig the middle path between lying and the truth.

“Not really,” he said at length, studying TJ’s expression. “We never really talked about it. I don’t know how to react.” He hoped his confession would be enough to push the spiky topic they were so carefully avoiding. But TJ stayed silent, staring at the ground, lost in his thoughts.

“One more question.” Magnus leaned forward, anxiously hanging onto TJ's words. The boy looked away, fixing his eyes on the cupboards. “Are you and Alex… a thing?”

It was so far from what he expected, he almost laughed. “What?” he struggled to keep mirth out of his voice. “No, we’re not, we’re _friends._ ”

TJ made a humming sound, stepping closer to Magnus, eyeing him suspiciously like he didn’t know if he could believe him.

“Oh my God,” Magnus chuckled, hit by the sudden realization. He reached out to TJ to bring him closer, smiling brightly at him. TJ hesitantly put his hands on his knees, avoiding Magnus’ eyes, with a frown on his face. “You are jealous.”

“Am not,” TJ mumbled under his breath, shooting Magnus a sharp look.

“You are. Oh man. Ehi,” he brushed his hands on TJ’s arms, tilting his head to catch his eyes. “It sounds dumb, but I like you, so,” he waited for TJ to turn his head towards him, a rogue smile curling his smile, and he stole a kiss, just to prove his point.

“Dork,” TJ whispered against his lips and kissed him again. Magnus’ hands hiked up TJ’s arms until they reached his neck, gently holding him close.

Thoughts got stuck in a loop in Magnus’ head, too focused on enjoying the moment and engraving it in his memory for the future. It was soft and sweet, time drowned in honey.

The microwave beeping burst their bubble, dropping them back to the grey, squalid reality of the kitchen counter.

“The popcorn,” TJ whispered, a weak excuse since neither of them was about to move.

“It will live,” Magnus dropped his head on TJ’s shoulder, clinging to him and his warmth. “We should do that more often.”

“Should we?”

“Yeah, it was pretty gay, so yeah,” Magnus grinned at him, still somewhat drowsy from the relaxed vibe around them.

“Nice,”

“Indeed,”

TJ stepped back, forcing Magnus to let go with a sad whimper. He kissed him one last time before retrieving the popcorn from the microwave. Magnus followed him back to the living room, dropping down on the couch next to him, leaving a suspicious distance between them. The moment had gone, he wasn’t sure he could cross that space. He –stupidly, he might add- felt relief coursing through him when they ended up gravitating towards each other, until TJ was resting his head on Magnus’ legs, his eyes peacefully closed and a satisfied smile on his face.

It was too late when Magnus realized he had never got a direct answer. Okay, they’d kissed, that should be enough of an answer, but he wanted to hear it. Make sure. But it was too late and he couldn’t ask with Halfborn and Mallory around. Another day, he decided. He’d let it gnaw at him a little more.

Another day.

\--

Magnus should not have been allowed to procrastinate. Another day had come and gone, so had another and another and another. And he still hadn’t got it together enough to bring up the topic. He’d rather guiltily avoid it altogether by spending time with Alex. Her room was surprisingly nice, tidy and colorful, perfectly in contrast with her chaotic personality. In their few free afternoons they’d meet somewhere to study and as the weather got progressively worse, they started hiding in her room. Cafés were always too crowded and they could listen to good music in the dorms.

Magnus, sitting in Alex’s beanbag, was discovering her music taste one song at a time and it was surely eccentric. Different genres mixed together in her playlists and it was getting hard to keep up with all the names.

“I never really cared for music, but this is good.” Magnus pointed vaguely to the stereo from where an Englishman’s voice was coming from. “Who’s that?”

Alex lit up, her eyes full of pride.

“Bastille,”

“The Pompeii ones?”

“Yeah, but that’s old. Where have you been for the past five years? Why don’t you listen to music?”

Magnus knew she was asking playfully, but he still felt suddenly caged, lost without a made-up answer that would throw off any suspect. His teen years sucked, he wasn’t going to talk about them. Ever.

“Never managed to bring myself to find something I liked. Maybe this is my chance to,” he smiled weakly, praying it was enough. It was, because Alex threw the notebook off her lap and fished out her phone to look for something. She didn’t say anything for a while and Magnus kept looking at her curiously, taking his time to study her features, since Alex didn’t seem bothered by the attention. Her green hair had grown longer over the few months they’d known each other, it was almost long enough to tie up, but it kept falling into her face. There were around fifteen colorful clips in her hair, vain attempt to keep her wavy hair in order.

Magnus noticed with awe that she had freckles scattered all over her nose bridge and temples. Her long eyelashes created soft shadows on her cheekbones. Her face seemed cut out of marble with the soft touch of a Renaissance artist. Magnus wished he knew how to draw to make her immortal on paper.

She looked up suddenly, a weird light flickering in her bi-colored eyes. His phone chirped with a new notification at the same time.

“I sent you a playlist of artists I think you might like, you know,” she dragged her words, trying to think of the right thing to say. “They kinda give me your vibe.”

“Thank you,” Magnus smiled, amazed by her kindness. He felt heat spread on his face. He’d never get used to those small, nice things. “I’m sure they’re good.”

“You’ll have to send me a full review on every song, you know that, right?” she sounded downright serious and Magnus felt himself nod along. “I care for them.”

“Sounds fair.” He didn’t know what else to say, so he started looking around the room, distracting himself from the thirty pages he still had to study. Alex’s desk was covered with… everything. Magnus’ couldn’t tell what actually belonged there or had just been thrown. There were colored pens scattered all over the desk, expensive-looking and glittery alike. He’d never taken Alex for the _neat notes_ type, but that girl was a bottomless pit of surprises. There were few pictures, it almost felt like they were lacking. Alex was clearly not the nostalgic kind. The few of them mostly didn’t have Alex or any adults in them, just teens that were probably her friends.

One of them caught his eyes when he noticed Alex’s face between the others, looking much younger but also much more spent. What really stood out was her hair.

“You don’t have green hair in this! It feels so weird!” Magnus turned around to look at her, voice wavering with laughter.

“Oh my God, that’s so old!” Alex’s buried her face in her hands, producing a discomforted sound. “My friend –the one with white hair- said we _absolutely_ had to get a pic together before they flew off to Europe.” Alex smiled to herself, a distant look on her face.

“They? Like, _they_ used as singular person?” Magnus stuttered, tentatively searching for what he wanted to ask.

“Yeah,” Alex looked wary, but also amused, as if she could already see where this was going.

“Is it like, the pronouns used by people without a particular gender or am I getting stuff mixed up?” he feared for a whole second that he had said something mildly offensive, but Alex leaned back on her elbows, holding his stare with a judgment-free smirk.

“You got the idea, kind of. It’s not totally wrong.”

Magnus sighed in relief and dramatically brushed his hair out of his face.

“Well, do explain. Wake me up.”

“Beginner lesson,” Alex raised a finger, with an overly serious look on her face. “Genders are a lot. I should probably make a PowerPoint. We’ve got your basic ones,” Alex laid out her hands palms up “Male and female. Then, we’ve got everything in between. Usually grouped as non binary genders if you don’t want to use the word queer. Non binary is not just agender, which would be like, no gender. I’m non binary, for example. There’s way more than that, but that’s not in the beginner lesson. They and them pronouns are usually associated with non binary genders,” Alex paused, staring at Magnus, breath held in with suspense. He probably looked lost. “Did you get it?”

“I… sure? I’m trying to do a mental recap. Easy peasy, makes sense.” Magnus shot Alex finger guns, pressing his lips in a tight line.

“You’re probably the only cis person I know that said that it makes sense. Props to you.” She reciprocated the finger guns, looking way cooler than Magnus would ever be, even if she fell back on the bed.

“By the way, I knew about non binary genders. Like, I knew a couple of enby people, just,” he stopped, reconsidering his memories with a tad of hesitation. “We weren’t friends. I only got some snappy explanation. So my understanding of it is pretty vague.”

“Well, isn’t it perfect that you befriended _me!_ Snappy enby extraordinaire!” she smiled so wide, she seemed to shine of her own light. It was oh-so-beautiful in his eyes. He forced himself to snap out of it.

“So, what were you saying about, uh, agender? Because that was cool.” He felt his heartbeat pick up. He didn’t know why. His stomach was all uncomfortable knots.

“Sure,” Alex eyed him weirdly. Neither of them knew what they were doing. Or maybe it was just Magnus. “It’s like- I can’t really explain it, since I don’t actually _know_ know it. But I guess it’s like a feeling of not really fitting in either binary gender. I’ve heard it described as the feeling of having no ties to male and female.”

“The void?” Magnus suggested, only half joking, as an unsettling shiver ran down his spine, like an omen of something Magnus didn’t like. Alex laughed without a care in the world, apparently oblivious to his restlessness.

“Could be, who knows.” She looked at Magnus with her eyes almost closed, a fond smile on her face. “You’re a cool guy. I’m glad. Also, did you ever braid your hair? It’s so long, you should try.”

“I can’t do braids,” he admitted, bending his lips in a sheepish smile. Alex brought a hand to her chest with a dramatic gasp.

“Come here _now_ , this is a disgrace,”

Magnus got up hesitantly and sat down again on the edge of the bed, distractedly running his fingers on the soft blanket. Alex sat up and make him turn around so that she was behind him, with free access to his hair. “Yell if I hurt you,”

It did, in fact, hurt when she started parting his hair, but he didn’t say a thing. it was actually nice, if he didn’t pay attention to the constant pulling. He closed his eyes, relaxing into the methodical movements.

“How do girls do this all the time, I get headaches just from tying it back,”

“Making braids is _so_ soothing, why wouldn’t you want to do it?”

“I don’t know, it’s painful. You should teach me though.”

Alex made a happy sound, before pushing his head to the side to finish the braid.

“Mag, hold this,” she passed him the braid, snorting when he struggled to reach it. She jumped off the bed to find hair ties in the mess on her desk. In an instant she was back, getting the braid back and tying it up.

“Ta-da! Now there’s the other side!”

Magnus groaned, ducking his head in defeat. He didn’t even have the time to ask to see the finished side that Alex was starting to work again, pausing just to change song.

“You look better than I thought with your hair all nice and done,” Alex commented from over his shoulder, as she wrapped the tie around the tail of the braid. “Very androgynous,” she added when she stepped off the bed to stand in front of him.

“Yeah?” Magnus raised a hand to run his fingers on the braid, testing its bumps and texture. It felt weird to have his neck so exposed.

“Yeah, you pull it off really well,” Alex gave him thumbs up in appreciation. “I did a great work,”

Magnus laughed, curling his hands around the braids and playing with them. He halted mid-action, a sudden doubt sneaking up on him. He exhaled slowly, trying to shake off the feeling, but it persisted.

“Androgynous?” he asked in a breath, fixing his stare on the floor as blood rushed to his ears. He didn’t know what he was asking for, nor what he wanted to hear.

“Well, you have soft features. It suits you.” Her tone was so bubbly, she probably hadn’t caught up on a thing. “The first, first time I saw you, it was like, really briefly, I thought you were a girl. _Then_ I realized I was wrong, but I still kinda thought you were not cis for a while. Turns out my gaydar was just confused.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t get it completely wrong,” Magnus looked up at her with softness in his eyes, before dropping his stare again. The dark unsettling feeling kept coming back in waves. It was making him sick.

He dropped back on the bed, spreading out his arms and staring blankly at the ceiling. There was something nagging at his brain, a vague idea he wasn’t sure he wanted to acknowledge. He distractedly registered Alex sitting at the desk, paying more attention to her book than him. Good.

That _void_ idea was strangely appealing. Finding out about its existence sat weirdly with him. He was pretty sure that he shouldn’t be welcoming that idea so warmly, but it felt like coming back to something old and familiar. Like a memory from decades ago he couldn’t quite grasp, but was there and it had a place. He dug his nails into his palms, trying to keep himself grounded.

He was probably making it up for some reason. It was something new, it was exciting. He probably just wanted to fit in somewhere else. Or get closer to Alex. Didn’t matter. He couldn’t make it up, it wasn’t right.

Yep. He was just imagining the void he felt when he tried to think about what made him a man. He was just trying to convince himself of something that wasn’t there. He was just faking it and he should _stop._

He reluctantly filed away those thoughts away, as guilt settled heavy on his guts. He didn’t even want to accept what it was for. He was digging his own grave and that only made him feel sicker.

He tried to start revising again, but his eyes went over the pages without reading anything. His mind kept going back to the big ‘what if’ that wouldn’t leave him alone and he didn’t want to face. It was all a lie, he stubbornly reminded himself, he shouldn’t pay attention to lies.

The room was so eerily quiet, it was suffocating. The enraged need to flee flooded him, choking him and making him jump up. His heart was racing with his thoughts. Alex was staring at him confusedly, maybe talking to him. He didn’t hear any of it.

He stuttered out an excuse, an explanation and left the room without looking back. He felt distant from reality and his body. He almost expected to see himself from outside. His consciousness floated along, twisting itself in an attempt to find a way out of that denial-induced illusion. He hated driving himself to panic.

He burst in his dorm after a long fight with the key he only half witnessed, and it was luckily empty. He couldn’t deal with other questions even if he wanted to.

He locked himself in the tiny, tiny bathroom, almost hitting himself in the stomach with the door handle in the rush. He threw his jacket off and slipped out of his shoes and stepped in the shower, still fully dressed. He slid to the ground, rubbing his hands on his thighs frenetically, trying to calm down, calm down, get his senses back. He didn’t feel anything, his consciousness too folded on itself to consider anything real.

Driven by impulse, he turned on the shower and a second later icy water hit him, cutting his breath short and leaving him gasping for air. But he snapped back into himself, taking back the control of his mind. He drew his knees close to his chest, shivering violently as cold water kept pouring on him and the adrenaline faded away.

He didn’t want Alex’s words to feel like a revelation, like the moment that turned his whole life around. He breathed in slowly and turned off the shower. Water drops fell into his eyes when he blinked the tears away. He didn’t want that, he didn’t care, it was not happening.

He had too much to think about. Studying for exams. Keeping in touch with his friends. Whatever was going on between TJ and him. He didn’t have the time to deal with another vague, intangible thing without a certain answer.

He didn’t have the time to come to terms with _that._ The memories he had of accepting his sexuality were still too harsh and painful to ever consider going through that again.

He was going to pretend Alex had never told him anything, that the void in his mind was just a trick of his brain, a delusion. He dropped his head on his knees, wishing for some warmth, even if the freezing cold settling in his bones felt clear and sharp, a clean slate, a chance to restart.

He didn’t care, it wasn’t happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i'm back! it took me exactly one month to finish this and i didn't even proofread i just want to get rid of this chapter and move on!! like it's a nice chapter i guess, but it took me too long. can you tell it's rushed and halfassed? because it is. i lost motivation after the first 1000 words and then just,,, winged it. took me a month to rush a chapter wow me wow. i'm still v unmotivated but im hoping that with the end of school it will get better and i will manage to dedicate more time to this.  
> hope you don't hate it and tbh if you have any criticism, do tell, because i'm making it up as i go and i'd appreciate suggestions and help in any shape and form. for example. does it feel too slow?  
> anyway, hope you're doing good and are somehow enjoying this mess bc same
> 
> ps: magnus hair highkey got all curly bc he 100% let it hairdry without undoing the braids. he turned into annabeth's identical twin tbh


	6. Breaking point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, it took me centuries. hope you enjoy it, even if it's longer than all the other chapters.  
> also, look out for one homophobic slur and a bit of violence further down in the chapter. also a panic attack. be careful friends

Time went too fast for Magnus' liking. He had too much stuff to do for his courses and it was all piling up and he was starting to worry he couldn't manage to stay on top of everything. The wall next to his bed was covered in post-its with deadlines and assignments. They increased twice as fast as he pulled them off.

He woke up the morning of his first exam with a vague feeling of dread nibbling at him, the anticipation of knowing he had something to do without knowing what. Then he saw the post-it next to his face flashing a huge, angry  _BIOLOGY EXAM_  written on it. His guts took a free fall, making him feel sick for a whole second. Then the usual weight on his stomach took back its place and all the weirdness settled into the routine.

He got up and ready with only mild complaining. He tiptoed around the room, gathering all that he needed for the day before moving to the kitchen. He sat on the counter, eating a toast distractedly as he tried to go over his notes for the hundredth time. His brain kept skipping forward, tired of knowing all of it already, looking for news, but there was none and he had to focus. He didn't want to fail his first exam.

Without noticing, his thoughts slipped away from him and he found himself staring out of the window onto the gloomy, grey campus. Shit, he hadn't realized it was getting  _that_  cold already. He considered grabbing a sweater, but he had no idea where it was buried and he couldn't look for it right then. He was already running late. He made sure he had his notebooks and keys in the backpack and walked out of the dorm.

He regretted not looking for a jacket the second Boston's bone-chilling winter wind met him. Magnus hurried off to the closest café, arms tightly wrapped around himself to not completely freeze. He only held strong thanks to the thought of scorching hot coffee. He checked the time when he walked in, sighing at the change of temperature. 8:41. He had aaall the time. The exam was at 10. He was overdoing it again. At least he got the chance to sit quietly ay a table, with his notes and a coffee, living the dream.

Magnus still didn't feel like revising; his memory was full to the brim with facts and names. He stared out of the window, surveying the empty street. Thoughts and questions were flashing by behind his eyes just slightly out of focus. He wished he had the time and the will to go on an introspective journey and give an answer to all of those questions, but he was tired and stressed and he didn't want those things to mix up with his exam. Instead, he tried to call up facts and names he had studied, putting them in a nice line. He gave up a few seconds later with frustration building up in his chest. Everything he had studied kept slipping from him. It was going to be a disaster. Maybe pondering on his current romantic situation was better than erasing his own short-term memory.

He allowed himself thirty seconds to think about it. He did a mental recap that went way more smoothly than the biology one. It went along the lines of "I guess I'm dating TJ. I don't know, haven't asked him yet. That's quite troubling. Also, there's Alex. Do I like her? As a friend. Am I okay with this? I don't know. I have no idea what's so upsetting about this, but there is something."

The thing was that Alex was unpredictable. Magnus didn't fully understand her. He liked mysteries, he... appreciated her. A lot.

Okay,  _enough._  She was just nice and weird. Those were just... friends feelings.

Magnus told himself to shut up, burying his face in his hand. He didn't want to ruin his morning before anything even happened. He decided to wait for the time to leave with forced calm, distracting himself with the novel he had been carrying around all term and still hadn't managed to finish. He begrudgingly left the café with twenty minutes left to reach the building.

He walked fast, eyes fixed on the ground and mind on his target. He pointedly ignored the freezing air burning his skin like pins and tried to recall the yellow, arid landscapes of the novel, in a faint hope they'd warm him up. He threw the building's doors open with a little too much force and he almost fell flat on the ground. Great entrance, Magnus.

He breathed in deeply the A/C warmed air and walked off to the classroom. Time to get over this.

-

Magnus wasn't one for self-celebration, but walking out of the exam with a very nice, high grade was such a satisfaction he was probably going to brag about it for hours.

He barely noticed the unchanging cold outside, too focused on getting back to the dorms as soon as possible. He uselessly fought back a smile. Damn, that sure felt good. He couldn't wait to tell, uh, everyone. Speaking of. He narrowed his eyes, trying to see more clearly through the crowd and in the distance. He thought he had seen a familiar face. And, indeed, there was Alex's unmistakable hair and her undying sly smile.

Magnus started walking faster, almost alarmed when he recognized TJ next to the girl. And Halfborn and Mallory just a few steps behind them. It wasn't as pleasant as it should have been, Magnus was downright scared something bad was going to happen. Or had already. The thought of TJ and Alex near each other was like Mentos and Coke.

As he got closer, enough for them too to spot him in the crowd, he realized TJ and Alex were apparently getting along. They were both laughing and that was even more unsettling than what Magnus had anticipated. A shiver ran down his arms. He didn't know what to think.

"Magnus!" Halfborn called for his attention with a burst of enthusiasm. They were staring at him like they were expecting something. He fiddled with the strap of his bag, struggling to think of something different from the weird picture he had in front of him.

"I got you something. Are we celebrating or comforting you, though?" Alex spoke up, waving a plastic bag in front of her. OH. The exam. Right. He had so not forgotten about that.

"Uh, celebrating? I got 97, that's good, isn't it?" he mumbled tentatively, a small smile appearing on his lips when Mallory let out an impressed whistle. TJ jumped up to hug a blushing, proud mess of Magnus. That felt good. Unbelievably so.

TJ stepped out of the hug, but kept an arm around Magnus' shoulders, as Halfborn went off on a spiel on how 'he knew they were dealing with college the right way, obviously all thanks to his help and mentoring'.

Magnus didn't get to ask Alex about what she had gotten him for the exam, he settled on waiting until they were in the dorms, because apparently, they had made plans to celebrate.

He almost wanted to say they shouldn't have, but it was nice. He appreciated having friends. So he turned to TJ and took a second to observe him, his soft features fusing with the light sky as if a haze was surrounding him. Magnus took his hand, squeezing it in a silent thank you. TJ left a kiss on his cheek with a satisfied smile.

Scratch that, it was better than nice, it was perfect.

They spent the rest of the walk listening to Mallory and Halfborn's bickering. Alex joined in almost effortlessly. Magnus realized a second too late she never needed help. She slithered through people like water. He stared at her, studying her gesturing and the tone of her voice. He was impressed, if anything.

 

Back in the dorms, they spread around the room without questions asked. TJ and Magnus took the couch with the simple excuse that they were celebrating him so he deserved it. In addition, Tj has said, low enough that only Magnus could hear, that that was his gift. The couch  _and_  spooning. Better than Magnus had anticipated. He leaned back into TJ and observed the others. Seeing Alex comfortably sitting at the feet of the couch, crosslegged and leaning slightly forward to listen to Mallory, made him realize that Alex fit right in with his friends. Cool. Absolutely cool.

She probably noticed his staring, because she turned around to look at him suspiciously. He didn't have the time to look away that her eyebrows shot up in realization and she snapped her fingers to keep his attention.

Alex scooted closer as she rummaged through her backpack. She handed him the plastic bag from earlier with a victorious smile.

"I just got you a present because you were the first to do exams. you were our lab rat,"

Magnus couldn't help laughing at how incredibly sweet that sounded, knowing Alex's sharpness.

"I can only thank you for having listened to me revise."

"Oh no, I tuned you out after the first few minutes."

TJ burst out laughing behind him. Magnus flipped his middle finger at Alex and opened the bag.

"A book!" he smiled, studying the cover. "Bold of you to assume I'll read it within the next year."

"I didn't expect anything else. just make sure to put it in your doctor office's bookshelf between all the important tomes and stuff, when you'll be a successful surgeon. A memento to the pillars of your education."

Magnus understood why the rest of his friends had let her in so fast. She was an asshole, just like them.

"Do you want me to ask to write your name on my degree too once I get it?" Magnus hot back, turning Alex speechless for the first time. She just gaped at him for a second, struggling to find a good answer.

"Yes," she deadpanned, with such genuine sincerity that Magnus second-guessed himself for a second. "Okay, but do you like the books?" she changed topic almost effortlessly, with her signature ease. Magnus envied her  _so much._

He looked at the title of the book and turned it around to find the synopsis.

"Queer history? This is extremely nice. Very, very nice. I love it." he flashed her a smile, holding the book close. "Thank you, Alex."

She shrugged like it was nothing, but she looked so proud, Magnus made a mental note to get her something too.

"Just one thing," he said as she started to turn around. "Did you get me this because you were sure I'd pass or was this a consolation prize?"

Alex looked at him with a devilish smile on her lips. "Yes."

A chorus of 'oooo' lifted. All of his friends were looking at Alex in awe. Mallory was clapping. Magnus gasped in fake offense, bringing a hand to his chest.

"Fuck you, guys. I thought you were my friends." he wiped away a non-existent tear before TJ dragged him down for a hug.

"Thank you for acknowledging my sick burn." Alex bowed and high-fived Halfborn with sparks in her eyes.

They let the conversation die. Magnus was busy pouting and taking advantage of TJ's warmth He was a really good big spoon, Magnus had to admit. He used TJ's chest as a pillow and kept observing the others interacting.

"Mallory," Alex said suddenly, sounding urgent. "I just realized where I know you from."

"Do tell!" Mallory sat up a bit straighter, turning all her attention to Alex. Magnus did the same, surprised by that revelation.

"Gender studies. Mrs. Morris class on Wednesday."

It took Mallory a second to place Alex in her memories. The suspense was as good as in the movies and Magnus half wished he had chips.

"You're the one that got in that fight! Can't believe I didn't recognize you sooner."

"Oh, yeah. I take that class for fun, I don't want it to be ruined by an asshole."

"Fair enough. We should do more of those debates," Mallory mimed quotes with her fingers as she spoke. "To weed people out."

"Surely, even if it's tiring to have people policing my identity for a fun debate. Ew," Alex rolled her eyes at the thought and crossed her arms. The edge in her voice made it a clear warning not to fuck up. Mallory hesitated a second before speaking again.

 _'Good'_ , thought Magnus, who was one mistake away from perching in and reminding everyone to respect Alex. There was no need to, though, because no one had any uncomfortable questions or comments. Magnus guessed Alex had already explained to them.

"You're right," Mallory said in the end, deciding to dodge the topic entirely. "You know what would be interesting instead? Talking about what makes a gender. Because we went over it very briefly, I guess everyone took it a bit for granted. Like everyone knew clearly what we were talking about, but if you think about it... it's a really vague concept."

Magnus' attention was caught immediately, as much as he didn't want to hear about  _that_  right then. He could have listened to TJ and Halfborn chattering about the Championship of curling, but no, his brain had to focus on that spiky topic. Ugh.

"Especially in Western countries! It's like, pink, blue, dolls, trucks, football, dance." Alex laughed, with a hint of bitterness hiding in it. "It sucks. At this point, it's up to personal ideas and perceptions. I'm pretty sure you could ask two guys what makes them male and they wouldn't give the same answer."

"Everyone feels it in a different way. Is that what you mean?"

Magnus barely heard Alex's affirmative answer because TJ called him and his attention snapped away. Shame, he thought, he was getting invested in the conversation, he wanted to know more.

"I'm glad that I know you," TJ blurted out, bluntly and looking slightly flustered, like he had decided last second to say that. Magnus felt his face burn up instantly.

"That's the nicest thing I've ever been told," he paused, taking a second to make his voice sound less pitched. Fucking emotions. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

The most valuable discovery of that day was that kissing while lying down is extremely awkward.

"We should practice this more," TJ laughed after they gave up and settled for simply hugging.

"Yeah. Maybe when there's no Halfborn around to clap," Magnus replied loudly, so that the man knew he was being addressed specifically.

"Aww guys, you're together? We had. No. Idea." Mallory cooed, her voice dripping honey. "For the fifth time this week, stop making out on the couch, we use that."

"Fuck you Mallory"

"Yeah Mallory, damn, get a life"

"Jerks, I feed you, show me some respect," Mallory sighed dramatically, shaking her head. "It's as if I was mothering two babies. College is exhausting." 

Alex and Mallory kept chattering and Halfborn eventually joined in. Magnus closed his eyes, to enjoy the peaceful vibe around them. His brain wouldn't rest though. It was as if it had notifications constantly on and he couldn't make them go away. The same old thoughts and loops waited for him everytime he had some spare seconds of relaxing.

There was, once again, the unanswered question for TJ. It was getting boring. So much time had gone by, it was probably late to ask now. That deal was making him go crazy with anxiety. He hated to leave things without a conclusion.

Eh, he gave up. It was the only way to forget about it and he surely wasn't going to ask. Whatever, he thought. He'd never know, so he might as well stop caring. He was with TJ. He was not going to call him his boyfriend. It was a good compromise.

Magnus felt restlessness creep up on him, making his heart pace quicken and leaving his skin tingling. It took him seconds to realize what was wrong.

Too much touching for too long. He had reached his limit. He was not used to cuddling. He could barely make himself like it when it went past the ten minutes mark. At the same time, though, he couldn't leave. That'd be incredibly awkward. He'd have to live through it, he realized and his stomach tied itself into knots. As uncomfortable and itchy the thing was, he had no excuse yet. His anxiety only got heavier.

He tried to think about the fact that he liked TJ, so he should be appreciating that demonstration of affection. Maybe it was the oppressive situation, the feeling of being slowly choked, but the longer he thought about it, the less sure he was of everything. He wasn't good at emotions and affection. It was too much labor, he never knew what others expected.

And TJ... he was lovely and kind and, honestly, handsome and a great friend, always supportive and sweet. Magnus didn't know if he was doing enough to thank him. Or to simply reciprocate his love.

Oh, that was another spiky thing. He mentally cringed as he realized he had pushed himself into a corner. It was almost January. They'd known each other for months, something must have been changing, evolving. But he couldn't feel it.

He tried to dig deeper into himself, his memories and his perceptions. What he found was disheartening and he couldn't find anything that changed the reality of facts. He was not so sure anymore about his feelings. They were so confusing but yet so scarily unchanging. He tried to blame it on the terrible situation he was in, but he couldn't tell the difference between reality and excuses.

He should have been falling in love with TJ by now, but he didn't know if he was. Crap.

He hated himself with burning passion. He was going to ruin everything they had just because he didn't know how to use his emotions. Fuck. It was terrible.

He could pretend, he thought, until he managed to understand something. His jumbled thoughts seemed to disperse. He didn't have to break it up, he could appreciate what they had. It was not like he hated it. He was just... neutral to romance. Theirs, at least.

_Jesus, Magnus, what have you done?_

He wanted to cry a bit, but he couldn't. They were celebrating.

-

Life just went downhill from there. Magnus thought he was used to stress, but this was different from all the situations he had been in. There were deadlines and urgent matters at every turn, too many pages to write and too little time to do so.  And his personal matters wouldn't leave him alone. It all added up to one cumulative weight that wouldn't let him breathe. He had had to sadly give up any hobby and fun time he had. The only nice thing he had left, the only one close to free time, was studying with Alex.

At least he had that. And a percentage of caffeine in his bloodstream that was most likely way higher than he should have been able to tolerate. He deluded himself that there were no collateral effects, but he was probably 5% coffee now. He could barely sleep anymore, he was either wide awake or too exhausted to sleep. He hadn't even gone to bed the previous night. He hadn't been sleepy, but now he was regretting it.

The only bright side to all of that was that he was collecting marks higher than 90 on every assignment he handed in. Long story short, his unhealthy habits were paying off.

He realized a bit too late that his almost religious dedication to studying was damaging his friendships, besides corroding his organs. It didn't take a scientist to see that, but he was pointedly ignoring everything, for the sake of surviving midterms.

Another thing he appreciated was the general numbness to emotions and a low level of tolerance for jerks.

All of that plus a growing ball of anger in the pit of his stomach made him engage in a condescending but polite debate with another student who was spewing hateful, entitled bullshit. Magnus was so, so tired of hearing that man interrupting the class anytime he thought he had something to say.

Anyway, Magnus had thought that the discussion had ended in the moment the professor had interrupted them and he'd been glad to leave it at that, but the other had different ideas. Magnus had walked out of the classroom, looking for Alex as she usually waited for him outside so they could go study. He wished he could just go back to the dorms and sleep, but they still had a couple of exams left and Alex had asked him to help her revise. He'd sleep another day.

He had just spotted Alex in the park near the buildings that he heard someone calling him. He turned around, narrowing his eyes to find who was calling him, but he didn't recognize anyone.

"Chase!" the voice went from slightly annoyed to aggressive. Magnus was almost disappointed to discover it was the student from earlier marching towards him, probably looking for part two. Magnus just stood there, waiting just to figure out if he could excuse himself and leave.

"What the fuck was that about, Chase?"

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" Magnus replied flatly, staring back at the man without an emotion. He was taller than him and definitely broader, but he looked so fucking dumb.

"Yeah man. What makes you think you can talk shit to me like that? Do you know what I can do to you?" the man was getting angrier by the minute, but Magnus almost wanted to laugh. Bitterly, because he was too tired to deal with this and it felt like they were back in primary school.

"No, and I honestly don't care." he deadpanned, not moving a muscle. "I just thought you should know that you would be a God-awful doctor if you keep that bigoted mentality." Magnus shrugged like it didn't affect him at all. "You're still in time to change majors."

The man opened and closed his mouth a couple of times in utter disbelief. He locked his jaw with a furious look on his face. Magnus patiently waited for a reply. He suddenly felt someone's hand on his shoulder and a second later the presence of that someone next to him. He turned around in alarm, but it was only Alex, looking between him and the guy with furrowed eyebrows.

"Is everything alright?" she asked, her tone light but weirdly so. Magnus just nodded and Alex let her hand drop.

The smile that crept on the man's face was beyond sinister.

"Oh, so your opinion counts even less. You hang out with  _fags,_ " his satisfied tone seemed to imply he thought it was a great clapback. Magnus had to remind himself he didn't care, but that still hurt. He put a hand out to stop Alex, who was all but growling.

"No, the problem here is that you're an asshole who would let patients die. You don't deserve to become a doctor," his voice remained flat and dead, uncaring and cold just like his face. He just wanted to be done with his. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Magnus turned around to leave, but the guy stepped in front of him, blocking the way. He hit Magnus in the face, too suddenly for him to retreat, making him stumble back. Magnus straightened his back immediately, looking away and brushing a hand on his burning cheek. There was no blood, but the stinging pain was blurring his vision. He heard laughter slip out of his lips, bitter and tired and unsettling. It had been a while since he had felt the cold, restless need to react violently, it was making him dizzy. A part of him, buried deep, was scared. Jesus, he was  _so_  tired.

He hit the guy under his eye and it hurt more than the punch he had received. The man hadn't expected it and merely managed to push him back. Magnus went to throw himself on him again, but Alex held him back by his arms. He felt her nails dig in his skin and snapped back. That feral, scary part of him faded away and his eyes focused again on what was in front of him. He felt like he had been blind until that second.

Alex didn't let go of him until the other man had left, not without his share of slurs and offenses. She made Magnus turn around to face her, with an unreadable look in her eyes. Magnus avoided her glare with misplaced stubbornness. He crossed his arms over his chest, in a camouflaged way to hold his aching hand close.

"You know, it was cool while you were absolutely tearing him a new one," Alex's voice sounded strained, she was faking any positivity she showed. Magnus winced hard, bracing himself for the rage that would surely follow. "I just didn't expect you to jump on him like that."

The subtle disbelief hit harder than the anger Magnus was expecting, but he took it without complaining. He glanced at Alex, looking for disappointment on her face, but she just looked curious, maybe a bit worried. Weird. "You didn't seem that kind of person." Oh, and there was wariness.

"Because I'm not," Magnus said, voice clipped and defensive. "He just pissed me off."

"I don't know," Alex said at length, studying him. In the end, she shrugged, smiling slightly "Anyway, I guess the all-American boy has got his secrets."

She said it with such a light tone, it didn't seem to imply anything for a second or so.

"What?" Magnus hissed, lowering his eyes to stare surprisedly at Alex. She looked just as confused as him, like she didn't expect that reaction, but didn't lose her unnerving smile.

"Nothing, just from the few things you told me, it seems to me you pretty much lived the American dream. You know, rich uncle paying for everything, the simple fact you're at med school..."

Magnus opened his arms in an offended gesture, still staring at the girl in disbelief.

"What the hell, Alex," he struggled to keep his anger in check. He didn't want to yell at her, but that really crossed a line. "I'm no poster boy. You have no idea what my life was like."

Alex took a step back, looking shocked, even if Magnus was sure he had kept his tone as calm as he could. He didn't want to cause another scene in the middle of the street.

"Yeah," she spat, looking at him sharply, "I don't know a thing because you're so damn secretive and vague," she retorted, pressing her lips together in a line. Magnus didn't know what to say to that. He breathed slowly, trying to remind himself that he didn't want to fight, he didn't, so it was time to end it. No snappy comebacks.  _Breathe_.

"We're not doing this here," he said, the angry edge slipping away from his voice. "We could-"

"Just get some sleep, Magnus," Alex cut him off. She sounded colder than she ever had before. It sent a shiver down his arms. "You look dead. I'll see you tomorrow."

She walked off with a last glance, not as gelid as her voice. She almost looked apologetic, if that was something Alex Fierro could be. Magnus looked her leave as his organs plummeted into the void. He rubbed his un-bruised eye as dread took over. He had fucked up big time.

-

Magnus had walked back to the dorms in a trance, too lost in thoughts to pay full attention to his surroundings. His dorm was surprisingly empty, which was great because it meant Magnus didn't have anyone fussing over him.

He peeked at his face in the bathroom mirror, checking the damage. His cheek was red and swollen. The bruise was going to last. He flexed his fingers a couple of times, paying attention to the pull on his sinews and muscles. Nothing seemed broken, it just hurt like hell. He guessed he deserved it, though. He retrieved ice and a bottle of water from the fridge and then went to his room.

He sat on his bed with his computer on his crossed legs, leaning into the relief of the coldness of the ice. Part of him just wanted to sleep (or cry himself to sleep, either way), he struggled to keep his eyes open, but he had so much stuff to do and it was still too early in the day. He could work on the Anatomy essay he had started. He really had to finish that. Or start another assignment. The work never seemed to end.

Magnus opened up the file for the Anatomy essay and checked the word count. Roughly 500 words. It was way less than he had thought. He sighed and reread the last few lines to get back in the mindset. He stretched his fingers, ignoring the hot white pain that shot through his left hand, and started typing. He was in for an all-nighter.

Hours passed in silence as he focused on what he was going. The sun set and the room went dark, but he didn't notice any of it as it happened. His muscles protested when he got up to turn on the light. He considered going for coffee, but he was too tired to get out of his room. Anyway, he had enough caffeine left in his body for another day or so. Back to the essay he went.

TJ and Halfborn came back together just as he finished writing and thankfully so: they were so loud, he would have lost all focus.

"Ehi, you're back already? Weren't you and Alex studying together?" TJ threw his bag on his bed and leaned against the bed frame to look at Magnus.

"Yeah, no, we called it off," Magnus shrugged and looked away. He dragged his fingers in circles over the touchpad. He had no energy for conversation, but he'd power through it if it meant to be left alone afterward.

"Jesus, what happened to your face?" TJ sounded alarmed. He sat down on the bed and went to reach out to Magnus, but stopped suddenly, limiting himself to leaning towards him, examining his face with worry. Had Magnus flinched? He hadn't realized.

"I got punched," he said simply, looking at TJ for a second before dropping his eyes again with a huff. "It's okay though. It was a polite discussion, but he got carried away by emotions."

TJ wouldn't stop looking concerned.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," Magnus forced a smile. "It doesn't even hurt that much." Which was a sugar-coated version of "I have been numb for hours I don't feel a thing", but he'd die before admitting that.

"Alex is a bad influence on you." Magnus frowned, but TJ was smiling softly. He raised his hands in defense, "Kidding, she's great. On a more important note, you haven't been studying all afternoon, have you?"

"Maybe? Why? I'm only getting work out of the way,"

"Yeah, sure," TJ leaned back against the wall, eyeing Magnus with a sly smile. "You should take a break one of these days,"

"Exams are almost over," Magnus shrugged non-committally, "Besides that, I'm fine."

"I'll pretend I believe you," TJ jumped off the bed and went to leave the room, "Yell when you're hungry, we've been grocery shopping and Halfborn is eager to show off his skills,"

"Nice," Magnus replied to the click of the closing door. His break was over, he had so much other stuff to prepare.

He made himself focus solely on collecting his thoughts and writing them in an intelligible way, putting his thoughts away by the rhythm of the clicking of the keys. It was somewhat relaxing. He kept working even as his roommates walked in and out, quietly praying that they wouldn't break the spell of productivity.

He eventually forgot about them, too busy trying to find quotes that would support what he was writing. He barely felt his body or how much his eyes burned. He distractedly rubbed a hand over them to get rid of that annoying blurry sensation, but he almost jumped up, wide awake and dazed, as stinging pain bloomed in his nerves.  _Fuck,_ he had forgotten. He shivered and tried to settle back, but he had snapped back from his stress-induced dissociation and didn't know how to go back. Also, his back hurt from not sitting straight for too long.

Magnus tried to shake himself out of the dizziness, looking around the room and blinking too fast. His eyes had forgotten depth perception. He looked back at the computer screen to check his progress and felt his throat tighten suddenly in dismay. It was well past seven and he had barely reached the thousand words mark. Now his whole chest felt tight, like he was underwater, under pressure. He didn't know when he'd have enough time to work on the essay again or if he'd ever find the right mindset again. It had been the perfect moment and he had wasted it, he wasn't even halfway through.

He kept staring blankly at the white screen, thoughts rushing through his brain too fast for him to keep up. His eyes had never felt heavier.

"Magnus, are you crying?" Halfborn's voice seemed to break through the bubble around him. He turned his head towards his friend without really having understood what he had said. He felt the bones of his neck pop and the muscles ache.

Magnus brought up a hand to his face when his friend's words got through him and found out surprisedly that he was indeed crying. He hadn't realized, he didn't know  _why_  he had tears on his face. He huffed out a laughter that bordered on hysterical. Maybe they were right, he was tired.

"Apparently," he replied meekly, trying to downplay it because he didn't want to hear the 'I told you so'.

"Are you sure you're alright?" TJ looked up at him with so much worry that Magnus almost broke down crying right there. He didn't deserve that. He instinctively moved his open palm away from his chest.  _Fine._  He forced himself to breathe in deeply and calm down, but a quick look to the clock sent him spiraling again. He breathed out shakily through his clenched teeth, trying so hard not to think about how much more he could do if he just didn't let himself crash. Just thinking of not thinking about it made his heart run twice as fast and with that his breath.

He shut his eyes and pressed his fist over his lips, fighting himself until the last second. He didn't want to break down in front of them. If only he could  _calm down. recover._ get his mind back.

He felt someone's hands on his arms, light and somewhat comforting. He thought he'd recoil, but he didn't. It was something real to hang onto.

"Breathe," TJ. Of course, it was TJ. His voice sounded distant. It was embarrassing, but panicking was like quicksand. The more he tried to get himself out of it, the more he sank into the vicious circle.

 _I am. I am,_  Magnus wanted to say, but he either breathed or spoke. So he signed it, even if his hands shook as he did.  He leaned into TJ, not daring to open his eyes. He clawed the neck of his shirt, uselessly hoping that would make the choking sensation go away.

He gave up almost immediately, exhaustion washing over him once and for all, leaving him shivering and empty, but not numb anymore. His chest felt hollow, like it was going to collapse on itself. He just wanted it to stop. 

Magnus stopped caring about his heartbeat, his consciousness kept being torn apart by sobs he could hardly control. Something inside had broke and he could just let that violent river of emotions run through him, fearing the damages. He couldn't do much, maybe just attempt to be quiet. It was a nightmare without an end, a pit impossible to climb out of.

Eventually, he ran out of energy and his panic had to fade and subside. He felt like a ragdoll, gutted and thrown away. His eyes and throat dried, leaving him to deal with going back to normality and feeling whole again. He would have much rather buried himself away and never resurface. Life was a dark perspective and he had probably would have to explain himself with TJ and Halfborn, who were communicating with each other through worried glances. Magnus observed them in silence, not daring to say anything. He knew his voice would break and his breath still came in sighs and gasps, so he was not anxious to speak again. He was much more content resting his head on TJ's shoulder, with his arm protectively wrapped around him. It was nice, comforting, warm. Safe, he might say.

"Better?" TJ whispered, his eyes deep with care. Magnus shrugged dismissively, looking down. He fumbled to move his hand on his chest in a circle.  _Sorry._  He realized a second too late neither of his friends could understand sings. He exhaled slowly in defiance, aching for Blitz and Hearth just for a second, for their quiet comfort. He was suddenly aware of how damn tired he was. He wanted to sleep, but he was not sure he'd manage. He glanced to his left, to search for his computer, but it was gone. Good.

"You should probably rest," Halfborn said, sounding much more paternal than Magnus thought he could be. He smiled internally; Halfborn was all rough and badass, but had a soft soul. Magnus really loved his friends, but it was not the time or place to say that. "When did you last sleep?"

Magnus did some quick math in his head and then wondered if he should lie or not. Halfborn would probably call him out if he did, so he settled for a sheepish, tiny smile and the truth.

"35 hours ago? Maybe?" his voice was hoarse and uneven. He coughed a little to get the rasping feeling out of his throat.

"Jesus," TJ shuffled a bit next to him, almost making Magnus end up lying over him. Magnus felt his insides twitch a bit at the exasperated tone.

"I had things to do," he tried to defend himself, even if his voice was thick and drowsy and his argument objectively weak.

"Uni is hell, but you still have to put health first," Halfborn said, staring at him so seriously, Magnus couldn't hold his stare for long without heat creeping up on his face in shame. "You're a damn med student, you should be the last to pull such a stunt." His voice was far from cold and angry, but Magnus couldn't help shivering. He didn't raise his head again, fixing his eyes on the blanket, briskly blinking away the few stray tears that had made a comeback.

Eventually, TJ pulled him down on the bed so they were lying down. Magnus internally debated between choosing the pillow and TJ's chest. He went for both, curling up against his side and resting his head on the boy's shoulder. Halfborn left the room to let them rest, turning off the light with a good night.

They lay still in the dark, letting the tension melt away slowly. Magnus pointed his eyes slightly over TJ's profile, keeping an eye on him but at the same time staring at nothing at all. He felt heavy and dead, he was not sure he could have moved his muscles if he wanted to. He didn't feel okay, but it was the closest thing and he had to admit that letting all that shit out paid off in the end. He couldn't feel the boulder on his chest anymore. It was more of a stack of pebbles.

Magnus still couldn't get out of his head the thought that breaking down in front of his friends was somewhat embarrassing and the fact that they had barely mentioned it sat uncomfortably with him. He knew he had to acknowledge it, but he wasn't that sure he wanted to. Or say it out loud. He once again wished he could just sign it out. It was way better than speaking, his voice seemed to have gone back to the depth of his chest like the tide. He dug his short nails into the palms of his hands, trying to convince himself to make the step.

"I'm sorry I reacted like that," he mumbled, his voice barely there, broken and low. "And that you had to see it." he cringed, biting down on his tongue.

TJ turned his head towards him, looking at him with his eyes wide.

"You don't have to apologize," he whispered back, almost a breath of disbelief. "It's nothing bad that we were there. I know that trust is a complicated thing, but," he paused, breathing in heavily, "I mean it when I say I'm here for you,"

Magnus hummed, looking away, trying to find something inside himself, maybe a reaction, a feeling of some sort. That felt reassuring, it was like a warm hug, the safety of something familiar, and maybe that was enough.

"Thank you," Magnus said in the end, trying to push some of that warmth into his words, but he couldn't hear it. He sighed and closed his eyes, shuffling a bit to find more comfort. "It was a shitty day, this topped it perfectly."

TJ remained silent for a while, rubbing a hand in slow circles on Magnus' back. It was nice, redundant and calming enough to push his loud thoughts away.

"What happened?" TJ asked in the end, his tone soft, a reassurance there was no actual need to answer. Magnus decided that he might as well skip the details but talk anyway.

"Well, I got in a fight with a guy in front of too many people and Alex had to break it up. And I fought with Alex too, because of course. It really sucks, I hope she's not too mad at me," he mumbled the last part as if he was thinking out loud. "And on top of this, I haven't managed to finish a boring essay that I don't really want to write. I want exams to be over already."

"If you want, I can help with writing that. Is it the one you were writing earlier?" TJ suggested, distractedly moving a hand to card through Magnus' hair.

"Yeah, I hope I haven't lost the few things I had already written,"

"I'm sure Halfborn saved it. And don't worry about Alex, just talk to her tomorrow, I don't think she's mad."

Magnus nodded quietly, his thoughts darting already to what he'd have to do in the morning. He might have been tired, but sleep still seemed far and unreachable and he'd have to keep himself busy. They whispered goodnight to each other and stopped talking, waiting for the darkness to take over.

TJ fell asleep fast, leaving Magnus alone in the dark. The hand he had put on Magnus' side fell onto the mattress and his head lolled to the side, barely touching Magnus'. It was peaceful and nice, except that Magnus' eyes were burning as if he had poured acid on them and he couldn't find rest. He felt like he was turning to stone, uncomfortable and stiff. He thought he'd soon start overheating if he didn't find a way to relax a bit.

He kept staring at the ceiling for a couple minutes that felt like hours, until the darkness turned into a black pit with no end. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes to brush out that awful scratching he felt every time he blinked.

Magnus found himself wishing he could sneak out of TJ's arms and go knock on Alex's door, to make up for their fight right then instead of having to wait for the next day. They could keep each other company, Magnus would feel less alone. He thought he could wake TJ up or call Halfborn, too, to talk to someone, do something, but he realized he was too reluctant to do either thing. He couldn't wake TJ because that would have just been plain rude and TJ had already had to put up with him enough for the day.

He couldn't leave either to go to Alex because, firstly, Alex was probably asleep already (weak excuse, he knew she didn't go to sleep until one am at least), and secondly, he was in his maybe-boyfriend's arms. He couldn't get up and go to someone else. It felt too much like cheating to him and left a bitter taste in his mouth. Although that might have been because he hadn't drunk water in hours. Anyway, it was wrong. He was not going to reach out to Alex, period.

He still had nothing to do, though, and he realized he still had his phone in his jeans pocket. Hopefully, it was not dead yet. He fished it out, carefully trying not to jostle TJ too much. 26% battery, it was good. For a second his thumb hovered over Alex's contact, but he scrolled down and found Blitz instead.

_-Ehi, you up?_

He knew for sure his friend was awake, his sleep schedule was all kinds of fucked up. Blitz took his time to reply, though, and soon Magnus got tired of staring at the screen, so he dropped the phone on the bed, where he could still reach for it. He closed his eyes, hoping that maybe this time sleep would find him, but his brain was too electric to shut down. Useless to say he was disappointed. His phone vibrated, bearer of good news.

_**Blitz** **:** Yeah, kid, why are you though?_

Magnus smiled slightly, feeling ever-so-thankful for Blitzen. He typed a reply with just one thumb, trusting his autocorrect.

_-can't sleep, bad day, hoped for some company_

Blitz replied almost instantly. Magnus hoped he wasn't interrupting any important work.

_**Blitz:**  what's wrong? school or people problems?_

Magnus stared at the words for a bit, his thoughts running wild, already listing all the things he could whine about. He felt so pathetic and sad.

_-all of them, honestly. I can't seem to do stuff right ever_

_**Blitz:**  I'm sure that's not true. I'm listening_

Jesus, Magnus was so lucky. He felt overwhelmed by a wave of thankfulness for his friends, all too caring, too patient with him. Fuckers, he thought, affectionately.

_-boy, this is a ride. you know that guy I told you about? I guess?? we're dating?? but I kinda missed the chance to actually, like, ask him. so I have NO idea. it's weird_

He started sending that, because as much as he had told himself he didn't care anymore, he still did and he wanted to have Blitz's opinion on it.

_**Blitz:**  do you like him tho? that's what matters_

_-I guess??,_ Magnus shot back, feeling dread crawl up in his chest again.

_-we've been together for a month or so now, so maybe it should be more than just like, you know?_

_**Blitz:** give it time, if you care for him. see what happens. if you're sure you want to be with him_

_-yeah... I don't want to, but I'm starting to doubt everything. ALSO, there's another problem and hh I don't know how to deal with that_

_**Blitz:**  what is it??? don't be so cryptic_

Magnus paused for a second, considering his next words carefully. His heart was speeding again and his cheeks had flushed red. He was honestly scared.

- _so I have this friend, Alex, who's awesome. and also trans. and she kinda got me thinking_

Magnus breathed in deep, waiting to see if Blitz reacted to that in any way, but the dots appeared and disappeared fast. He started writing again.

_-this is going to be weird but. personally, what do you think makes you a man?_

He gritted his teeth and his heart threatened to jump out of his chest. He hated all that tension, but he couldn't do much more than wait. Blitz took his time to start typing again, but Magnus could understand. It wasn't a yes/no question. He was on edge. He needed that answer. He valued Blitz and Hearth's opinions more than anything else. He barely felt like he could make decisions without having asked them. The wait was killing him.

_**Blitz:**  kid, this is something else. I can give you an answer now, but I really have to keep thinking about it. it had never crossed my mind??_

_**Blitz:** I guess I never felt uncomfortable considering myself a man. I wouldn't know what else I could be. It just feels right. And I like many things generally associated with masculinity? The fashion, obviously, but also the sharpness of it, the careless core of it. I don't know if it makes sense, it's just. All I come up if I think about it _

_**Blitz:**  I don't know if this is what you were asking though_

Magnus couldn't reply immediately, his brain was repeating those words on loops, looking at them from every angle, studying them. Most importantly, trying to relate to them, to make them fit somewhere. His heart was still beating like crazy, but this urgency and anxiety wasn't a dark grip around his chest. It felt elating and alive. It made his insides twist in a good way. There was something similar to joy stuck in his throat. Deep down, it scared him to death.

_-thank you. that makes a lot of sense. thank you_

He almost cried. He had too much in his hands and he didn't know where to start. He wasn't sure he wanted to start understanding at all. He just knew that whatever Blitz had said, he couldn't find it. Whether he should be happy or sad, he had no idea.

He'd have to talk to Alex, he realized. As soon as possible. She was the only one who could give him a straight answer and that was all he needed.

He passed out little time later from exhaustion when his system couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't a satisfying sleep, but, afterward, it felt like a blessing. He didn't dream, didn't think, his brain shut down for the first time in too long.

He had learned his lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehiiii look whos not dead yet! me! I'm sorry I keep posting things every month or so, I'm a mess and it takes me so long to actually come up with and write them. rip. I'm kinda losing track of the plot too, but I promise I'll try to quicken things up, even if I keep doing time jumps hh  
> also to all the people who came here for the fierrochase, I assure you it's endgame and, as you can see, Magnus and tj are already walking on the edge. they will shine through, but believe me when I say this is slow burn. you've seen how long it can take me to get to the core.   
> as always, let me know if you liked this or hated it, if you found some mistake or you think I fucked up these great characters, I'm only borrowing them : DD  
> love you all, I hope I'll be back sooner  
> nico xx


	7. Flesh and Bone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bih i'm back can you believe this?? im so sorry it took me over a month to update but summer has gone by too fast and it took me a whole month to finish this chapter. before we start, two things: 1) this is in Alex's pov; 2) the next two chapters are also going to be in Alex's pov. It was supposed to be one chapter but it would have been too huge so here we are splitting it up. I hope you enjoy it! It will probably be a bit weird, but it was a last second cut  
> :D

 

Although she didn’t like to admit it, Alex had actually felt guilty the second she had walked away from Magnus, leaving him alone in the middle of the street in front of the Medicine building, with way too many people staring and a black eye. That had been really inconsiderate of her, but she had felt anger rise up in her throat and staying would have led to worse consequences. The situation she had found herself in was dire enough to hate it and regret every word that had come out of her mouth.

She hadn’t meant to hurt Magnus, she had had no idea- she sighed loudly, running her hands on her face. Excuses were useless. It was so not her style, but she guessed she’d have to apologize. She owed it to Magnus, he had looked genuinely upset.

Alex sat up on her bed, rubbing her palms on her ripped jeans, trying to make a decision. Magnus was just down the hall and it was- it was 7 pm, the clock said, so he’d be in the dorm. She could just knock, he’d open, she’d apologize and they’d move on. Easy as that. Still, there was something holding her back. Mostly guilt. Alex wasn’t that sure she’d be welcome. Gosh, she had been so childish earlier, it was all her fault if their entire friendship was falling apart.

Alex dropped back down on the bed, groaning into a pillow. She’d wait until the next day, so she could give Magnus time and space to, uhm… forgive her, she guessed. She really didn’t want to see Magnus angry at her again.

No, that was a whole other problem. Alex had to be sincere with herself and realize that if they managed to stay friends, Magnus was probably going to be mad at her 50% of the time. It was just how she was, as much as she hated it in this particular scenario. Alex couldn’t get the look of utter betrayal on Magnus’ face out of her head. It was haunting her. She’d walk to his door that exact moment if it meant getting rid of the bottomless pit in her guts eating her away. She cared more than she’d ever admit.

Alex considered texting Magnus but ended up simply staring at the screen with a blank look on her face. In the back of her mind, she had noticed how all her thoughts always seemed to drift in the same direction, but she tried not to pay that much attention, because it would mean admitting that she was feeling something and Alex Fierro did not feel things. Still, she had unconsciously made Magnus’ dumbly pretty face her own personal Rome. She rolled over her stomach, shutting her eyes tight, as if that could cancel out the ghost of his smile, his eyes, the light shining on his face when he caught a stray ray of sunshine. She could go on for hours and she almost wanted to indulge in it. His hands disappearing in his oversized knit jumpers. The loose hair tie perpetually on his wrist, even if he barely ever used it. He had lent it to her more than once. God, his laugh.

Her cheeks - her whole face - was burning up and her heart was beating against her ribcage like it wanted to jump out. She buried her face into the pillow, biting it to choke down a giggle. She felt so much like a twelve year old dealing with her first crush, but it felt so good she wouldn’t give it up for anything. It made her feel warmer and more alive than she had in years, it was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she wasn’t even exaggerating. Magnus had torn down the tough bitchy appearance she had carefully built up and he didn’t even realize it! It was almost maddening.

Alex hugged the pillow to her chest, fixing her eyes on the ceiling and letting her mind drift away from her. She had no plan of action, just a vague idea of letting events unfold and see what became of them. It would be enough for her to keep being close to Magnus, in a friendly way, she didn’t particularly care for anything else, even if she could. It would be enough to know him to be happy for the rest of her life.

-

The first thought Alex had when she woke up the next morning was that jeans were a bitch and she should have never fallen asleep with them on. Her legs felt like styrofoam and the fizzy powder in those candies that popped like fire. She didn’t move from the bed, still too asleep to even try and get up. She studied her room through the dim light and the fogginess of sleep, waiting for something to reveal itself and give her a reason to get up. Her brain was quiet for once, no thought came running at her, alarmed and insistent. It was nice, for once.

Then she realized she had slept through her first three alarms and that was enough adrenaline shooting in her veins to make her jump up and get ready. Damn her for pulling down the blinds, she was so used to waking up with the sun already shining in her room. Moving through the darkness was making her whole system tilt uncomfortably. She already knew she was going to feel askew in her skin all day long.

The fact she had fallen asleep dressed had its positive side when she realized she only had to change her shirt and put on the same jacket she wore every day. So much time saved by not having to choose her clothes. She stared at herself in the mirror without focusing, trying to figure out what she had to do. She didn’t even try to fix her hair, as it was bordering on a bird’s nest and she had no time at all. She pulled it up in a disastrous ponytail that felt too loose the second she moved to do something else.

Alex dashed out of the apartment with her bag hanging on her arm and a cookie between her teeth. She distractedly looked at Magnus’ door as she ran past it, her heart squeezing painfully. She’d spend all her classes wishing for them to end, she had more important things to care for.

-

The fact that she had gotten her hopes up was terrible and she regretted it the second she walked out of her last class. The thoughts regarding Magnus and that whole mess were muted in the back of her mind anyway, she had other things to think about.

Even if they had barely passed the three months mark with courses, assignments were getting weirder. Or at least less technical than they had been for the past few weeks. The latest one was creating a mini photo album for the photography class she had taken for fun.

Now, the professor had said that it didn’t have to be anything too extraordinary or artistical, but they had to focus on techniques and all the theoretical stuff they’d learned so far. Boring. Still, she could already see what she was going to do. She could almost imagine the pictures, the light… she had it all planned out, except for one tiny, tiny detail that would prove to be a problem. The subject  _ had _ to be Magnus.

It was a stupid thing to be so fixed on, but Alex felt like it was her only option. It was maddening and her ears burnt red at the mere thought. Overall, it was an unspeakable secret that she didn’t want to give form to, it was left creeping in the back of her mind, coming back only in the least appropriate moments.

She marched back to the dorms, head low as she tried to think of something else, but it was hard since she had like, two default thoughts. Magnus and art. And if the two were combined, Alex was doomed.

As she went up the dorms stairs two by two, she tried to figure out when she was going to seek Magnus. The more she thought about it, the less she was sure she wanted to do it. She was terrible at apologizing and sounding human while doing it. Fuck it, she sure as hell wasn’t going to sacrifice the carefully built trench between her and her emotions for some boy she literally just met. Who did he think he was? Alex huffed out in annoyance, burying her fists in her jacket.

As soon as she turned the corner, she stumbled to a halt, her eyes widening in surprise and her breath catching for just a second. _ Jesús, María y José, esto no es bueno. _

Someone was sitting on the ground next to her door, and who else could it be if not  _ maldito _ Magnus. Fuck. He hadn’t seen her yet, he was looking at his phone, probably. Mostly, he looked like he was sulking, with his shoulders hunched over, like he wasn’t sure at all about what he was doing. Well, wasn’t this peachy.

Alex forced herself to keep walking and stopped a few feet away from the boy, coughing awkwardly to get his attention. His eyes shot up, almost alarmed, while he fumbled to blindly lock his phone before realizing he should probably stand up.

“Ehi,” he looked incredibly uncomfortable, or maybe it was just Alex seeing things. “I guess you’d probably rather not see me for another bit, but this was eating me away and-” he sighed, defiance flashing across his face. 

“I’m sorry,” they said it at the same time, although Alex wasn’t sure she had actually said it out loud. Her guts twisted on themselves as she held up her stoic expression. Magnus was staring at her with surprise flickering in his eyes. Alex tried to not give away the fact that she’d much rather die than have this conversation. It was not hard.

They stalled. Alex didn’t want to talk and Magnus seemed kind of scared to take initiative again. They’d be stuck in the hall all day, so Alex turned around to open the door.

“I guess this isn’t something we should talk about in public,” her voice fell flat. She wasn’t so hyped about any of this, but at the same time she wanted to get over the issue and go back to normal.

The boy followed her into the dorm, standing to the side stiffly, as if he was trying to disappear. Alex decided that the only way she had to make it all less awkward was to act as if it was all chill and in order. So she sat down on the couch, lying back, drenching every move with fake ease. The mood of the room only changed when Magnus imitated her actions, only to sit on the edge of the cushion. He rubbed his hands on his ripped jeans and Alex had to force her brain off hyper-analyzing him.

“I think I owe you an apology,” Alex started, looking in a direction vaguely close to Magnus’ face. “I was kind of a jerk,”

She snapped her mouth shut, considering her next words carefully. She was so, so bad at this.

“I’m sorry I got mad at you,” Magnus’ voice was full of truthfulness and niceness and all the shit that made him such a good human. Alex almost wanted to get angry. It was hard to pretend she was doing okay if he was competing for kindest person of the year.

“Yeah,” Alex mumbled, not sure about what to say. Maybe she should use the chance to properly apologize. “Yeah, but my assumption was assholish at best,”

Magnus smiled slightly, tilting his head to the side, searching her eyes. She avoided his stare.

“What you said wasn’t too far fetched though,” he said softly. That got her looking confusedly at him. “I never told you anything personal about me. It was pretty selfish, to be honest.”

Alex told herself not to stare. She ground her teeth, trying to find the right thing to say.

“To be fair, I barely told you anything too,” she whispered. She wasn’t expecting guilt stabbing her in the guts. All their conversations had been shallow, barely touching anything more personal than things they liked or memories carefully cut out of context.

“Yeah, well, I never felt like talking about it,” Magnus admitted and there was something similar to shame in his voice. “It doesn’t really make for small talk.”

Alex hummed, maybe understanding. She could only guess that Magnus’ life hadn’t been much better than hers. She’d describe her past as  _ not for small talk  _ too. Even better, it was nothing to talk about at all.

“I think I should tell you something, though,” Magnus sounded like he was thinking out loud, his voice lost in a haze of thoughts running away. Alex would have interrupted, but he went on. “Maybe not everything, but I consider you a friend,” he glanced at Alex and there was something intense dancing in his eyes, “So you should probably know a bit more, just to understand.”

Alex couldn’t reply to that. She knew, she was sure, she was missing too many pieces to get what Magnus was hinting at. She probably wouldn’t ever understand it fully, because Magnus was Magnus and his answers seemed too far away to even consider trying to reach.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Alex offered, her voice sounding weak even to herself. She was burning with curiosity, hoping that Magnus would unwind his story. There was something incredibly thrilling about the concept of a past that didn’t match up at all with the boy’s vibe.

Magnus shuffled on the couch so that he was actually sitting on it, stiffly leaning into the cushions. The seconds seemed to drag on, slow and viscous as honey; Magnus kept staring at his hands as he dragged his short fingernails on the palms. Alex caught herself staring and it took her a second to understand that the repetitive motion was probably a way to collect himself.

Magnus had never given her the impression of being an extrovert, or talkative at all, it was evident he much rather preferred to listen, only joining in when he deemed it necessary. It became suddenly apparent that Magnus didn’t want to be doing that at all. Alex was about to tell him to stop, that it didn’t matter that much, she didn’t want to hear it if he didn’t want to speak, but he started talking, his hands suddenly still. Alex shut her mouth and told herself to look away.

“I used to live with my mother until I was thirteen,” he started, his voice shaking a little. He spoke slowly, trying to find the best way to describe some things that probably hadn’t ever been said out loud. “Until she died. It was messy, I… well, I guess I ran. I lived on the streets until-” he started counting on his fingers, humming something under his breath, “Until I was sixteen. It sucked, I’ll gladly never go back.” he paused for a second, his eyes distant in the memories, his brows furrowed as memories clouded his face. “Social services caught me and I actually don’t remember much from those months, but I eventually ended up with some family. They were… nice, actually. It wasn’t half bad, at least I got to go back to school,” his lips curled in the ghost of a smile.

Alex didn't know what to think. A few heartbeats of silence passed by, leaving her with a cold feeling running down her spine. There were a thousand revelations in those few sentences, but Alex didn't have the time to pull them all apart and find what Magnus was hiding behind them. Still, she couldn't ignore that familiar vibe echoing in his story. It almost seemed like she'd known him for years, and for no time at all.

"Best year since my mom died, if I were to be honest. I had a house and something to keep myself busy. The teachers almost acted surprised that I was on top of classes after getting back the few years I missed, but I think they could only see me as a potential problem kid. Jokes on them, I didn't have much else to do and it actually felt good to have something to aim for." he smiled at the thought, still looking at his hands like the memory was painted on them. "When I caught up with the years I had lost, I got in my head that I wouldn't let it go to waste. I had never really thought about having the chance to go to university until then, but I found out it was actually a nice goal to have."

Alex would only think about it later on, but she couldn't help being absolutely impressed by Magnus. She had experienced it first-hand and going back to school after missing whole years had been the worst. And he had decided to study medicine, of all subjects. Something told her he was betting his whole life on university.

"Besides studying, the year also didn't totally suck because I wasn't alone. Well, more or less, I didn't have any friends," he said so matter-of-factly that it took the sadness out of it. "Teachers tended to take pity on me, the kids weren't too happy about it or even wanted to have anything to do with me, so, yeah, I was actually lonely as fuck," he laughed softly, but it felt empty. "Only a couple of people seemed to notice, or care. Blitz was doing an internship in the art department, while Hearth taught sign language. I actually wasn't in either class, but once Hearth subbed in for our French teacher and taught us the basics. Long story short, I decided I wanted to take ASL class, also because Hearth seemed so fucking cool. I actually went to the office and ask if I could add a class halfway through the year, but I didn't get a straight answer. For some reason though, Hearth came looking for me. He told me he knew that I wanted to attend his class and, although everyone was skeptical, he had seen my grades,

"He said I couldn't switch classes like that, but he was totally willing to teach me if I had a spare hour. I guess he liked that I was genuinely interested in the language and he was so kind. I accepted and ended up spending all my breaks in his office, with him and Blitz. They were nice and kept me company. I eventually considered them the closest thing I had to friends. They... they understood. And it was great not having to talk, for once. Spending time with them didn't suck as much as literally everything else."

He said that with such defeat in his words, Alex almost stopped listening, wondering about what it implied, what had happened, but she couldn't find an answer on her own, so she forced herself to keep listening. Magnus took his time, kicking off his shoes and folding his legs against his chest. His hands kept running frantically along the seam of his jeans and Alex could almost feel the burns on her palms.

"Obviously it was all doomed to turn to shit. There was an uncle, my mother's brother, that lived in Boston, but they'd fought years before and mom had told me to never seek him out for help. So I hadn't, when I had run. Still, he found me," he took a shaky breath. Alex feared for what would come next. "He managed to get the tutor status on me and all and I had to move in with him, which was the last thing I wanted to do. He's not the paternal type, at all, and his house looked more like a haunted mansion. I started to fear that he'd get in between university and me, but in the end he spent too little time in the house and he didn't care for me too much. Which was fucked, but okay. I only had to wait for a year and then I'd be eighteen and would be able to move out. That was terribly naive of me, he hadn’t sought me out for compassion.

“Turns out, he was involved with art contraband. He worked for a museum, the house was full to the brim with artifacts and he was corrupt enough to deal with the black market. He needed me because the family he had most of his deals with was asking for too much. He was in debt to them or something like that. The fact that they considered people a suitable payment tells you enough about what kind of people they are.”

Magnus spoke with bitterness dripping from his words and his angered sarcasm couldn’t fully hide his disgust. Alex felt sick. Her stomach and chest were in knots and tight, like she was about to burst. It was wrong, on so many levels, and she wished she could stop Magnus right there and ask him to skip to the end, to present days. Was he okay? The doubt choked her. She wasn’t so sure anymore about anything she thought about him.

“It was nothing too extreme,” he said quickly, looking at her almost apologetically, as if he were sorry he had such a shitty life that got Alex worried. “I mostly just had to help with shipments. I acted as the lookout a few times, but they never trusted me enough to help. I just had to deal with a lot of guilt. Imagine you’re studying for a Literature test and then you go out and you’re hanging out with people with questionable ethics and lending a hand in committing fraud,” he laughed at that, even if Alex couldn’t understand what was so funny about it. “I didn’t have much choice, the deal was that I’d pay my uncle’s debt and he’d let me go to university and pay the full amount.” Magnus shook his head, a condescending look on his face, “He would have never managed to pay, but I got a scholarship, so whatever, I did this on my own since day one.”

He fell into a contemplative silence that Alex didn’t dare to break. There was too much information and Alex didn’t know where to start to process it. She was afraid that it would change the way she acted towards Magnus, because she couldn’t fully understand everything yet, there was too much chaos in her head. She decided she didn’t want to speak, because everything she came up with was too pretentious, too shallow and useless.

What would she like to hear, if she were in his place? She didn’t know, she didn’t know, she had never considered it. Magnus seemed to read her thoughts, because he smiled at her softly, a sad look in his eyes. No, not sad. He looked like he had a wound that had never really healed or scarred, which was its very own kind of sadness.

“Don’t feel like you have to say something, I just felt like you should know this,” he shrugged, hugging his knees closer. “So you’d see I didn’t have a perfect life.”

“Yeah, that was incredibly shitty of me, I’m sorry,” Alex’s voice sounded rough and she was almost surprised. “And it sucks you went through all of that, but at least you’re here.”

If she were in his situation, Alex realized, she’d like to know that she made it anyway. That was all she had cared for and in the past few years, everything she had done had been with the aim of surviving, of getting a better chance. She was surely thankful for still standing strong.

Magnus murmured his agreement, carefully looking away. He was even paler than he had been half hour prior, Alex almost expected to see bones and veins through his skin. She couldn’t bring herself to look away.

“If it is any comfort, I was kicked out when I was fourteen,” she said tentatively, regretting it the second she heard herself speak and then regretting she regretted it. “I know about the streets, even if it’s unlikely we had the same experiences.”

Magnus stared right at her, shocked and confused, lips slightly parted with the start of a question.

“I thought your parents were paying for your tuition?” he stuttered, his brain evidently turning on itself to understand. Alex felt like laughing, but choked it.

“He is. He was forced to take me back after a while and sent me to university with the idea I’ll work for him when I graduate,” she couldn’t help hide the vicious smile that crept on her face. She felt fire consuming her organs. “He can keep hoping, I never asked him anything, I won’t go back.”

Her words dropped into silence and none of them said anything else for a long while. Alex was too busy swatting away all the dangerous thoughts that were swarming in. It was not about her, but she couldn’t help seeing the thin line holding Magnus and her together. It was exhilarating to find out how much they had in common, even if they were awful experiences she’d rather forget.

“That was sad,” she said in the end, trying to keep her tone light and happy, to brush away the uncomfortable cloud that had settled in the room. It was an understatement anyway. Magnus didn’t seem to mind. “Should we get something to eat?”

He looked up at her thankfully for the suggestion. Or the change of topics. Or something else entirely, Alex only knew he was smiling at her and that was enough.

“I’m starving. Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it!! yell at me in the comments if you want, i think i kinda deserve it. especially for the wait. I want to thank my two wonderful betas who helped me fix the chapter so that it was actually readable english :DD  
> Last note before I leave you, I'll be studying abroad until December so I don't know how much time I'll actually have to work on the chapter that will come after the next two,, so the ?? tenth?? I'll post the other two chapters eventually, spacing them out, but I fear it will take me another century to update again after them. Hope you don't hate me too much for the inconsistency of the updates, but it want the chapters to be near perfect and it takes me a lot of time to write them :"")  
> I wish all of you a great end of summer/start of school, because I guess that's what happening now.  
> Till the next time (hopefully soon)!


	8. Be Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for magnus to do some serious thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people! V quick note up here and then I'll keep talking at the end of the chapter. This is in Alex's pov again. It's kind of shorter than the previous chapters but I guess you won't mind that :")  
> Enjoy it!

It had been surprisingly easy to convince Magnus to help Alex out with the photography project. She had expected a little resistance, but as soon as she had said that it was an assignment, Magnus had given her thumbs up and a bright smile and had asked for  _ when  _ and  _ where. _ Alex had mentally told him to fuck off, but without heat, because she wasn’t sure she could actually be intentionally mean to Magnus. He was just too precious for her to stand around without blushing and destroying her  _ tough girl _ persona.

As they walked through the campus park looking for a spot with decent lighting, Alex subtly focused on Magnus’ body language. And hers. She didn’t feel like anything had changed between them and she couldn’t find any unspoken tension between them. She was usually good at reading people, so she guessed Magnus didn’t care much either, but something left her unsure.

Her doubts should have left when she fully realized how at peace she felt around him. Which was a dumb thing to say, since she was yelling at him to keep his face tilted exactly as she had put him or he’d ruin the photo. But he just smiled wider every time, biting on the inside of his cheeks to hold back a laughter. The last time he had started laughing it had taken him ten whole minutes to pull his shit back together and Alex had had to pretend she was mad, while inside she was melting.

Magnus laughed with his whole body, his shoulders shaking and his eyes shut close, crinkling as tears slipped through. He had slammed a hand on his mouth as if he was trying to suppress the laughter, but to no use. He had dropped back to the ground, his body still shaking even as his laugh wasn’t audible anymore. Eventually, as it faded, he had sat up again, schooling his face into a neutral expression and stating he was back and ready, but as soon as he had made eye contact with Alex again he had fallen into another fit of giggles. It had all gotten hysterical fast and soon Alex was laughing too, weakly punching him in the arm for disturbing the photoshoot. She had rested her face on Magnus’ shoulder, leaning against his arm to hold herself up, without really thinking about it.

They’d stayed like that for a long while, leaning against each other as the last giggles made them shake, feeling exhilarated and light. Almost drowsy in the surprisingly warm afternoon.

Alex had abruptly stumbled back, smacking her palms on the ground, the lighthearted feeling gone from her as embarrassment took over. She was suddenly aware of how close they had been and she couldn’t stop her brain from running wild down Overthinking Boulevard. Magnus didn’t appear to be bothered in the least, but Alex was slowly coming to terms with the fact that reading Magnus wasn’t as easy as it seemed. She brushed her awkwardness away and told him to get into position again, trying to keep her voice unwavering and overly stern.

Light shone on him so softly, it made his messy curls look like a faded halo. Magnus seemed to be made to drown in sunlight because it didn’t matter how he turned his face, his features never faded, the shadows were never too stark. Alex couldn’t keep count of how many times she had sworn at him in her mind, cursing everything about him that made her feel things and her heart beat faster.

Fuck him and grey eyes that looked like liquid silver.

Fuck his hair because it was a disaster and he never brushed it, but it still looked good.

Fuck his face, his high cheekbones and his jawline casting shadows on his skin.

Fuck his paleness, because he managed to make invisible eyebrow look decent.

Fuck his oversized hoodies that covered his hands and hung loose on his shoulders. Fuck him especially when he pulled the strings of his hood to close around his face so he could pretend to hide from whichever embarrassing thing was happening.

Fuck the scars scattered on him, hidden most of the time but still there, and fuck the fact that Alex would never build enough courage to ask about them.

Fuck him because he trusted Alex and that was a really bad idea, Alex would never trust herself.

Fuck him because he let Alex ramble on for hours and listened with awe on his face and one’d still expect her not to crush on him. More like, fall, crash and burn.

She had to put her act together.

 

Alex didn’t know exactly how many photos she had taken, but as she went through them she was incredibly glad for all the candid, mostly blurry shots she had immortalized. Oh, she was definitely going to print the only decent shot she got of Magnus laughing.

Magnus leaned over her shoulder to peek at the screen and Alex had to swat his hand away more than once, because he wanted to zoom in on every picture, for ‘meme purposes’. He even had the nerve to groan and point out pictures where he had allegedly come out ugly and as much as Alex wanted to elbow him in the stomach and tell him to shut up because he literally looked like a god, she stayed silent, occasionally snorting a laughter and zooming in the few unflattering shots.

She didn’t delete any of the pictures yet, she wanted to go over them more carefully another time and she didn’t have the willpower to do so while Magnus was literally perched on her shoulder, holding back some stray lock of her hair that had ended in his face. She hoped that turning off the camera was enough of a message for Magnus to move away, because it was somehow hard to keep in mind that he was taken when she could feel him breathing on her neck. Fuck.

Alex allowed herself to have one second for enjoying their almost hug, closing her eyes just for a moment, just to let her mind wander on the border of the  _ what if’s _ . But the events had settled and she had been late and she didn’t have a say in anything anymore. Alex had stayed awake entire nights, hatred brewing in the pits of her stomach, all for herself, over the thought of having missed a one-time chance. If only she had made up her mind sooner, she had thought, but still. Maybe they were not meant to be and she just had to accept that. They were still friends, that was good enough, wasn’t it?

When Magnus finally stood up, Alex wished for a minute alone to pull herself together, but she knew it would be rude to leave, so she made the best out of the few seconds she had while they were not facing each other and she scrubbed her face harshly, hoping to rub away all the melancholy seeping in her bones.

She forced a neutral mask on her face, knowing that with a little effort all traces of her feelings would disappear. ‘Alex Fierro does not feel feelings’, she told herself, a blatant lie she didn’t believe in the slightest, but still helped her keep her bitch-face on.

Magnus circled around her, stretching his arms and arching his back to make his bones pop. Alex just stared at his cat-like grin, daring herself to react. The boy sat down in front of her, leaving just enough space between them, mostly because he went to sit against a small tree near them. He looked way too relaxed, leaning against the tree and tilting his head back to catch the few last rays of sun shining down on them. Maybe a bit too relaxed to be natural, Alex thought, quite impulsively, narrowing her eyes to study Magnus’ face.

It might have been the light turning grey for the dying sunset, but something felt off. Alex voiced her thoughts, trying to keep her tone casual and uninterested, and she got confirmation that her inner radar still worked well when Magnus shot her an alarmed glance, as if she had caught him red handed.

“Nothing is… wrong,” he stuttered, his words sounding too forced to even pretend believing the lie. Alex raised an eyebrow at him, only tuning down the accusation in her expression when Magnus looked away, his stiff posture suddenly showing how uncomfortable he was. His eyes kept darting around, probably looking for an escape from yet another awkward conversation with Alex. 

Alex sat there patiently, following Magnus’ gaze around the park, a small smile dancing on her lips. Magnus seemed to be about to speak more than once, but he always looked away at the last second, shutting his mouth and mechanically moving his jaw, lost in thoughts. Alex had no hurry at all and she’d wait all the time in the world. The matter seemed important; if it hadn’t been, Magnus would have brushed it off, but he was apparently trying to come up with a way to approach it. Maybe he eventually would.

No more than ten minutes had passed by when Magnus couldn’t take the silence anymore. Alex only briefly tried to picture herself in his situation and yes, prolonged silences were torture when you had something to say. She turned all her attention on him, but didn’t look at him, to not scare him away.

“I should have probably talked to you about this sooner, but-” he shifted, wrapping his arms around his knees. He started picking at the loose threads of his jeans. “-it felt weird, so I asked another friend first. Uhm, I hope you don’t have something against talking about this, but-”

Alex kind of wanted to tell Magnus to get to the point, but it’d distract him and ehi, he was obviously struggling. She told herself to shut up.

“You know how a while ago you told me about nonbinary genders?” he locked eyes with her, pausing as if waiting for confirmation. Alex nodded, her chest feeling lighter and heavier at the same time as she realized where they were heading. “And that I utterly freaked out five minutes later? This thing has tormented me for a while now, but I didn’t know how to deal with it or how to bring it up, so I didn’t.

“I didn’t want false hope, or to go through the whole  _ I Hate Myself _ process that coming to terms with who you are usually includes. It sucked the first time, it would suck the second time around, I could do without.” he spoke faster, the words streaming out, boiling hot and heavy. Alex found herself nodding again, silently relating to what Magnus was saying. She didn’t speak up, even if memories pressed on her tongue.

“And it felt too good to be real and good things usually don’t come my way, so I didn’t want to believe anything that I felt,” he breathed out a bitter laughter, looking at the sky. His hands twisted around each other. Alex felt her organs plummet in the void of dread. She was not good at this. “I guess pushing it all away makes more damage than anything else, though,” Magnus added, barely a whisper. He sucked in a deep breath, his fingers still moving frantically around each other like crazed snakes. “But I’m ranting. I actually had a question, because that’s the only thing I can’t find an answer to myself.”

Alex stared at him, searching his eyes, trying to anticipate his words and brace herself because she wasn’t sure what was happening. She hadn’t noticed how tightly she had balled up her fists, her short nails digging into her palms as tension ate her away. Magnus finally looked back at her and there was a weird energy burning up in his eyes, something scared, something haunted. She couldn’t quite place it, but she had seen that already somewhere else.

“How do you know when you’re a man?” Magnus asked, his voice way calmer and softer than it had sounded seconds before. Alex thought he looked back in control. 

It took her whole seconds to actually understand what he had asked her, her brain kept working in completely different directions. Even when she managed to focus on the question, she couldn’t start to find an answer. Magnus was looking at her with a lost look on his face, something that resembled the suspense before a revelation, before a big moment. Alex’s chest was filled with lead all of sudden. She couldn’t let him down, but she couldn’t focus either. She didn’t know if she had an answer.

Alex finally closed her eyes, trying to call up her memories and feelings, searching through them for something, comparing them and analyzing them. There was nothing satisfying, she couldn’t tell anything apart anymore.

“It has gone on for too long,” she said, voice low as in a prayer, “I can’t really say what makes it different except that it  _ feels _ different. I know when I am a man because I am not a woman anymore. I guess I feel the shift, but that’s not helpful to you.” her voice trailed off, her mind still trying to grasp those ghosts of feelings that made her skin prickle.

Alex saw Magnus nod in the corner of her eye and she rushed to find something, some way to put such a hazy concept into words. She almost got distracted by wondering  _ why _ she cared so much. That answer was easy, she just wanted Magnus to have it easy. She had had to struggle so much to understand, to have the words, she wanted to make sure that struggle could become something useful, but it was failing her instead.

“Being a girl is a much starker feeling,” she started again, her words following each other slowly as she still thought about what she was saying. “Mostly because it does not match my appearance at all. I feel the awkwardness of it, like being stuck into a shape that doesn’t really fit. Being a boy is… is just as weird,” she looked in the distance, her thoughts just slightly out of reach. It was frustrating. “It’s a strong feeling, there’s some certainty, I’m more self assured, it’s everything they’ve ever told you about manliness, I feel it all, except that I know that it’s contaminated, but it doesn’t matter, I’m still as much of a man as the ones that try to sell it. I have the same range of emotions, anyway,” she joked, trying to lift the mood, but it felt out of place. Magnus wasn’t looking at her and Alex felt a pang of disappointment, her need to succeed not fully satisfied. She feared that wasn’t the answer he had wished for, or that it had made little sense. She wasn’t that sure herself about what she had said.

They let silence stagnate between them, both of them too busy thinking over what they had said. Alex was close to freaking out, but she kept it at bay. The more she thought about all of it, the less she understood it. She was scared she would end up with no sureness at all and she’d have to start over again and that really sent her spiralling. Him. Maybe it was the focus he had put on his masculinity, but he had distinctly felt the shift happen. His throat closed as he choked down panic and frustration. He still couldn’t put his fingers on any of it.

Alex looked up at Magnus, almost with desperation, because all the silence and all the thinking was turning on him and he hated it, he hated it all so much. So he needed a distraction and he needed it soon.

Magnus searched Alex’s face with confusion when he looked up, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips folded in a frown. His voice was filled with worry when he spoke.

“You’re a boy,” there was an indecipherable electricity in his words. And then alarm. “Did I- did I push the topic and-”

Alex shook his head, feeling an exhilarating kind of relief washing through him. Magnus was too kind for his own good, he thought, this was not about Alex anyway.

“No Maggie, no worries, it just happens sometimes,” he tried his best to smile reassuringly, but it might as well been a grimace. “Was the answer okay, though?” he hesitated, more words about to spill out, but he -once again- was not sure how to turn his thoughts into voice.

All his doubts and fears lifted when Magnus nodded, whispering a soft yes. Alex waited for him to speak, because he was sure he had a lot of stuff to say, from the look of concentration on his face.

“I think the simple fact that I can’t find it in myself to relate to that at all is telling enough,” he said, voice low and defeated. Something told Alex he was not wishing for what he had got. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, for a long while and still… I feel like it’s not my place to decide.” he looked up at Alex, almost pleading, as if he was the one with the key. For once, Alex knew what to say.

“It’s nobody else’s place to say who you are.” he stared at Magnus dead in the eye, trying to convey everything he couldn’t say out loud. “Which also means that, whatever you think fits you more, no one can tell you it’s wrong.”

“That’s what scares me.” Magnus looked like he had regretted his impulsive words the second after, but they were out. He took a shaky breath. “The fact that I might be wrong and there’s no way to be sure.”

Alex stared, dormant emotions stirring up inside him. It was a distant memory, a familiar feeling that he had not felt in too long, but it finally hit him that he knew what Magnus was on. It was incredible how time cancelled out things that had seemed so huge in the past.

He decided that it was time to fix what had wronged him, to say what he had wished he could have heard, as much as he hated having to be the one that had the knowledge. It made him feel like a lab rat. No, forget it, he was genuinely thankful he could lend a hand. That’s what he would have wanted for himself.

“It can’t be wrong if it makes you feel okay. You’re not faking it if you spent so much energy trying to understand.” he breathed in slowly, smiling slightly when he noticed the change in Magnus’ posture. “If you think it fits you, embrace it. Holding on to what you know might seem easier, but in the long run it hurts more than being scared of change. So, if you think non binary is what fits you, just claim it.”

Alex had to blink repeatedly to clear his sight again, but he still caught the rapid sequence of emotions on Magnus’ face. Confusion and understanding seemed to coexist.

“Agender,” he said softly, under his breath, and he seemed surprised he had said that out loud. He repeated it, louder this time. “Agender. It feels better, it is more… accurate.”

He was firm in his decision, his voice was heavy with something big and warm that sounded like pride to Alex. He felt his heart flutter in his chest, an emotion he couldn’t quite label making everything seem brighter.

“Sounds good,” Alex commented, barely managing to keep the giddiness out of his voice. This was awesome. Simply awesome.

“Should I-” Magnus hesitated on another blunt start. His voice lowered. “Should I stop using male pronouns now or..?”

Alex stared for a second, trying to recollect his thoughts.

“No. No, you should do whatever you’re more comfortable with. There’s no written rule.”

Magnus seemed relieved at that, but only for a second, then his face clouded over again.

“I think I should, though,” he said at length, his eyes fixed on his hands. “Anything gendered is starting to feel weird and I don’t think that it’s temporary. Might as well get used to the change all at once.”

Alex nodded slowly. He couldn’t hide the fact that he was incredibly happy for… for them. It was like a sudden switch in perspective. That tiny word seemed to fit better than anything else ever could.

“Shouldn’t your name be like,  _ Magnum _ , now?” Alex commented after a long silence, a smirk curling his lips.

“What?!” Magnus started laughing after a second of disbelief and all the lingering seriousness disappeared with it. “It sounds too much like an ice cream, shut up.”

Alex let himself stare at Magnus while they laughed, their face all scrunched up and covered with sparkles of the dim light filtering through the leaves. For a minute, Alex feels the familiar ache of what could have been. He’d love to keep wondering about it, like he did during sleepless nights, but it didn’t feel right. He almost wanted to be mad, because it was not right that Magnus was happily in love with someone else and he was left on the sidelines, with a useless crush and a certain helplessness. No, he was not mad at Magnus, they had no fault in this, but still it made him sick with contrasting emotions thinking that he was so obviously crushing and Magnus didn’t have a clue. None at all.

On one side, it was good, because that would sure as hell make everything uncomfortable and complicated, but at the same time Alex wished for his feelings to be acknowledged. Damn it, he hadn’t made a whole playlist for Magnus for nothing. He had put his favourite songs on there and it was a stupid thing but he cared so much for the little things. He needed to punch something. He had put Ordinary Life on there, he had- God, he wished he could make the bitter taste of disappointment go away.

Alex kept looking at Magnus, but this time he couldn’t stop some sadness from creeping into his bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo!! I was planning on posting this lager on but I thought why not, I have other things to post over the next few months. As I said in the last chapter, I'm studying abroad. I just arrived at my host family and it's really nice Herr, but obviously I'll have a lot of things to do and I guess little time for writing, so I have some things in my drafts and will post them as time goes. It will probably be every month or every three weeks or something. I don't know yet. Bear with me please, it takes so long for me to write and correct a chapter :")
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! It was time for that conversation to happen and I'm really glad I got here finally. When I started this, I didn't think I'd ever get this far and still be writing :")  
> Anyway yeah, leave a Kudo or a comment if you enjoyed it or have some thought about this, it would absoluut make my day! :D
> 
> PS: the song I mention is ordinary life by Ezra Furman, you can listen to it here https://youtu.be/bzP2YqYaWoI


	9. A Familiar Creak In Your Floorboard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part three of alex tells the story: alex realizes she has friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEI GUYS SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING FOR UH, THREE MONTHS. you know how i said i would update while in belgium? well turns out i was too busy partying and being Cool to remember to update SO R RY anyyyyways hope yall are still here and didn't lose interest in this bc i sure didn't and hopefully ill even write new chapters when i'll be forced to go home (ps to anyone going on an exchange: do the year. do the . fucking. year. you dont want to say goodbye to your friends this soon)  
> see ya, hope you enjoy it!!

Getting their whole group of friends together to help Alex out for the project was a quicker deal than the boy had anticipated. Magnus had sent them a text while they and Alex were in a café doing some revising, days after Alex had brought them to the park. It had only taken a few minutes before they had all agreed. Magnus had flashed Alex a sly smile, as if to say ‘I told you so’. Alex was honestly baffled, he had thought they’d have complained or excused themselves out of it. When he had exposed his doubts to Magnus, they had simply said that they were all too egocentric to pass up on the opportunity of a photoshoot.

Alex had absolutely no clue on how to thank his… friends. (Holy shit, they were friends). He’d ask Magnus, but he’d been grilling them with questions for a whole hour. Alex sometimes wondered how they could be so patient with him, but Magnus didn’t seem to mind all the interruptions. They claimed they didn’t really want to study anyway, so it was better if Alex kept distracting them. Alex didn’t believe them for a second.

He tapped a song on the edge of the table, looking around as if to find an idea in the dark faces of the students all around them. He was getting more bored by the minute.

“How much longer do you want to stay here?” He blurted out, staring at Magnus who was fully focused on the tome in front of them. They looked up with a small smile, way too amused by Alex’s frustration.

“I’ll finish this page and we can go back to the dorms.”

Alex nodded, sliding on the edge of the chair. His feet didn’t touch the ground.

“Sorry for fretting,” he mumbled, tapping his nails against the wood. “I’m just bored.”

“Yeah, because you decided you’re too cool for revising,” Magnus laughed, eyeing Alex with a sly expression.

“Keep studying, you nerd. I’ll go get coffee for the squad.” Alex stood up, stretching his arms over his head. He shushed Magnus when they opened their mouth to speak. “No, only decaf for you, don’t even try.”

Magnus pouted, but Alex just laughed and walked away to the counter. Standing in line was just as boring as staring at Magnus’ face while he studied. Surprisingly, the latter thing was entertaining only for the first fifteen minutes, only until Alex realized he was crushing again even if he was trying to get over it. Hah, what a joke. At least he got to eavesdrop on strangers’ conversations while standing in line. Eventually, he got to order and his boredom got another queue to stand in.

When he got back to the table with the five coffees, Magnus was putting their notebooks away. There was a split second, before Magnus saw him approaching, in which Alex saw exhaustion consuming them quietly, like a statue slowly eroding. Their skin was stretched thin and pale over their sharp bones and their eyes looked sunken and dark. Alex wondered if Magnus was truly as okay and happy as they seemed, but those were questions for another situation, so he pushed them away. A smile made Magnus shine again when they noticed Alex.

“Shall we go?” They asked, their upbeat tone completely clashing with the image Alex’s fantasy had painted.

“Yup,” Alex said, popping the p, still looking for hints in Magnus’ posture, but ending up empty-handed. Maybe he was overthinking things.

 

They got back to the dorms with a certain hurry to their pace, both unspokenly aiming to get out of the stinging cold of early December’s wind. Alex messed with his bag’s zip as Magnus tried to find the right keys, eyeing his friend impatiently. He almost joked about their keys being generally cursed, but Magnus managed to get the door to open and the warm voices coming from inside brushed those thoughts away.

“The photographer's here and you better be looking your best, because you’ll be ending up in a portfolio with photos of  _ me _ ,” Magnus cheered as they walked in, introducing Alex’s entrance with an exaggerated bow. A chorus of  _ ‘fuck you Maggie’ _ followed and Alex couldn’t help but laugh, suddenly reminded of how nice it was to have a tight group of friends.

Halfborn, Mallory and TJ were lying all over the living room, the couple happily leaning on each other on the couch, leaving no space for the third boy who was sitting on the ground with a book open on his crossed legs. They didn’t look like they had tried to ready themselves for the photoshoot just yet, but at the same time Alex didn’t want to do anything extra. Yet.

“Who wants to start?”

They looked at each other without speaking, brows raised as they silently relayed the question to each other. Alex just stared at them with a slightly stern look on his face until Halfborn got up, mumbling under his breath.

“I guess that’d be me.”

“Awesome!”

Alex spent a good ten minutes trying to get Halfborn to stand exactly in the spot he had deemed appropriate. He jostled with the strings of the blinds, trying to find the best way to get the lines of light to end up on the man’s face. It was harder than they made it look.

Eventually he managed to take a few pictures that wouldn’t look half bad with the others he had already. He told Mallory to get ready, but spent a minute stalling, looking through the pictures quickly. He distractedly listened to the conversations filling the room, between Mallory making fun of Halfborn and how she was going to ask Alex how to make th man listen to her, and between Magnus and TJ, who were so soft-spoken it was almost impossible to hear them. Alex tuned them out, almost embarrassed, they obviously didn’t want him to listen to them.

Mallory was such a wonderful subject to shoot because with just enough dramatic lightning and some editing effects, she looked just like her untamed personality should have. A bit more wild, a bit more raw. Alex decided that if he got another chance and the opportunity to use a different setting, he’d ask Mallory to model again.

Alex tried not to pay much attention to the time on the clock or the bouts of conversation. Or the fact that he was stalling once again because the thought of asking TJ to model was suddenly incredibly anxiety-inducing. He sucked his breath in, trying to encourage himself and push down the increasing awkwardness. Maybe he was the only one reading too much into it. After all, it was just a school assignment… Still,  _ weird. _

Alex looked up and towards the two sitting on the couch, hoping to catch their attention without speaking. Magnus was studying again, a book open on their lap and a pen cap between their teeth. TJ had an arm around their shoulder and was gazing at them with an adoring look in his eyes. If Alex hadn’t been so busy putting out the sting of jealousy he had felt, he would have easily whispered a ‘same’ to himself.

Fortunately, TJ noticed it was his turn before Alex’s staring could get more awkward than it was already. TJ nodded at him and carefully moved his arm away to stand up. Magnus barely acknowledged it and shuffled to curl up in the corner of the back and the armrest of the couch. Alex yelled at himself in his mind to stop staring. Tearing his eyes away was surprisingly hard.

He studied TJ while lifting the blinds, both out of professional and personal curiosity. He was standing in the middle of the living room, with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets and a peaceful expression, without a care in the world. He closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly back when the cold winter sun shone in the room again. Alex gaped for a second before dropping the strings and turning on the camera again.

“Stay exactly as you are,” he ordered, moving the camera to eye level and trying to find the right angle to shoot from. TJ opened one eye curiously and immediately closed it again with a tiny smirk when he noticed the camera pointed on him.

Alex shoot a dozen of pictures of him, making him shift around a bit so they could find different poses. As he looked through the results, he was so amazed he had to stare at each pictures for way longer than it should have taken. TJ looked just  _ natural _ in the golden light washing over him. Sure, it was just an objective observation to say that TJ looked good, it was a fact, but this was another thing. A saddening thought crossed his mind: TJ and Magnus were a perfect match, they both were made for bathing in sunlight. Lizards. At least that made him chuckle internally.

All the others asked him to show them all the pictures he had taken, so he sat down on the floor leaning against the couch with the others around him and went back to the first pictures. When everyone was settled, TJ back on the couch and Halfborn and Mallory on either side of Alex, he started scrolling through the pictures. He anxiously held his breath as they studied the photos, waiting for comments and judgement. He scolded himself for being afraid of their thoughts on the pictures, but they were his friends, he guessed that caring for their opinion was just fair. Still, the silence gave him goosebumps.

“I feel unworthy, these are stunning.” Magnus’s voice was low, barely a breath, sounding way closer than Alex thought they were and much more amazed than he would have believed. Alex hoped he could blame the blush creeping on his face on the surprise and pride to the compliment, which was not a full lie.

“Yeah, Alex, you managed to make Halfborn look good! That takes some skill,” Mallory laughed, her arm slithering behind him to lightly punch her boyfriend’s arm.

“No, for real, they’re great, you’re good.” Halfborn turned to face him, smiling wide. Alex didn’t find his voice to thank him,  _ them _ , so he turned embarrassedly towards the camera once again, waiting for the heat in his face to die out.

“I still need a picture of all of you,” he said distractedly, head down to focus on the settings he was changing. “Just to have it,” he specified as he looked up, letting his eyes slide from face to face. He lifted a corner of his mouth in a smile.

His friends moved closer together when Alex stood up to step a bit further in the room. They barely had the time to settle and pose before Alex was clicking to shoot. He took a second to contemplate his friends and appreciate them as a whole and as individuals. He had never felt so lucky. He’d frame the picture, he decided, even if looking back at it, it was a little blurry. He had taken three, but he knew on the spot he had a favourite. Mallory was standing on her knees behind Halfborn, an arm around his neck in a half hug half choke-hold. Halfborn was looking at her with his head tilted back, with a look in his eyes much softer than usual. Magnus was smiling wide at the camera, their hair a mess and half on their face. Even through the digital screen, they shone of their own light, that very vibe Alex was falling for. TJ was next to them, eyes crinkled in laughter, the thin golden rim of his glasses shining bright. His hand peeked from behind Magnus’ head, giving them askew horns.

Alex wanted to remember them like that.

“We don’t have a photo with you, though,” Mallory commented when Alex showed them the results. He merely shrugged, putting the camera away.

“Doesn’t matter.”

They spread out through the room a bit more. Even if the deal was over, none of them seemed intentioned to leave or do something else. Except for Magnus, obviously, who had been studying the whole time and didn’t close the book even when Halfborn and Mallory got loud arguing over..? Milkshake and fries? Alex could have sworn they had been talking about the country’s financial situation. He leaned back, holding himself up on his arms, and enjoyed the heated debate.

He turned around to shoot a glance at the boys on the couch, hoping for a little understanding, but instead found something quite unsettling.

Magnus was still curled up with their book, apparently uncaring of what was happening around them, and TJ was sitting next to them, shoulders and legs touching. Nothing too weird about it, except maybe for Magnus’ unmoving attention from their anatomy book. Then TJ leaned a bit more into them, his hand brushing on Magnus’ leg, his eyes moving briefly to look at them with a soft smile. It was such a tiny thing, Alex would have not noticed it unless he had been staring like he was. He looked away for a second, thinking that maybe he should stop, but when he looked back at the two on the couch he noticed something was indeed weird.

Magnus had moved away from TJ and now there was an evident empty gap between them. Alex double checked Magnus’ face, but they seemed calm, like it didn’t mean anything. Even if TJ was staring at them with a scowl and a dark expression on his face. TJ looked away from Magnus with an eyeroll, crossing his arms over his chest, and sunk against the cushions with a sigh. Magnus didn’t move a muscle nor seemed to notice anything.

Something told Alex it was not the first time that happened, even if he wasn’t that sure about what he had just witnessed.

He decided not to think about it, because it was not his business and it was not the right place anyway. Halfborn included him more than gladly in the conversation they were having.

The evening went by fast and Alex soon forgot about what he had seen, too engrossed in the stories Mallory was telling about her life back in Ireland. If the mood of the group had ever gone dark, it was surely back to being giddy and happy. After a while TJ slid off the couch to join them, but Magnus stayed in their spot on the sofa. Alex had no idea how he kept concentrating with all the noise, but the kid was a nerd and Alex guessed they had a better attention span than the rest of them.

Eventually Halfborn got tired of seeing his friend being asocial and called them out. Then, and only then, Magnus looked up from the book, their expression glitching for a second in a frown before thawing in neutral confusion.

“Get your ass down here, it’s too late to be studying.”

Everyone stared at Magnus expectantly while they looked back at their textbook, hesitation clear on their face. In the end they sighed and slammed the book close, maybe with a little more force than necessary. They slid off the couch and went to sit somewhere close to Alex, legs and arms crossed. They didn’t look that happy to be there and were evidently doing a terrible job at hiding it. Alex’s eyes hovered on them, hesitant to ask if they were alright. He decided that it was better not to ask, since there were all the others close enough to hear.

They put on a movie but no one paid attention to it. As time went on, Magnus visibly relaxed and some of their spontaneity came back, along with their sarcasm. Alex made the mental note to stop caring  _ that _ much.

“What were you even studying that it was better than your best friends?” Halfborn inquired, his tone too light to imply an accusation. 

“Bones. Their names. All of them, especially the names of the parts of the bones,” Magnus answered with a shrug, a tiny smile curling their lips.

“Fun,” Mallory commented, even if her voice was void of emotion.

“Not really.”

The conversation dropped in silence until Halfborn got the idea of the century. Just kidding. Alex wondered why Halfborn still had a right to suggest activities.

“I dare you to list off all the bones we have.”

They all just stared at him, emotions ranging from surprised to dead inside. Magnus straight up looked confused, like they were waiting for Halfborn to go “sike”, although they knew him too well to know that it was never going to happen.

“They’re two hundred and six, Halfborn,” they deadpanned, staring right at him.

“I know.”

“You know how long it’ll take?”

“Yes, you better get started.”

Magnus looked at the others, trying to find support, but at that point they were all quite intrigued and bored. Magnus grimaced when they only found blank to slightly harsh stares. They sighed and started listing, voice low and names glued to each other in the hurry to get through. At a certain point they closed his eyes, their fingers ghosting over their face as they mechanically uttering the names. Alex could barely understand which words they were saying but the few he did, he couldn’t place them. Magnus could have been reciting a prayer really fast and it would have been the same thing.

Magnus opened their eyes again, looking at their friends as they went on, their face schooled in a bored expression. Their hand dragged over their shoulders as their list went on, their voice rising slightly and becoming firmier. When they got to the chest, they paused to catch their breath, then they locked eyes with Halfborn and continued the tuneless chant. They moved on to the arms.

“Humerus, radius, ulna, scaphoid, lunate, fuck you Halfborn, triquetrum, trapezium-” They were cut off by the man’s booming laughter.

“That is  _ not _ a bone.”

“I decided it is, don’t complain.”

Halfborn grinned at Magnus’ dead voice.

“No, please, go on, I was quite enjoying it.”

Magnus flipped him the middle finger before finishing listing off the wrist and hand. Their hand dropped automatically to their hip and Halfborn grin only widened. He shared a knowing look with Mallory, who was evidently choking down a laugh.

“What?” Magnus looked at them and then down at their hand and made a small sound in realization. “Wow, fuck you for real,” but their voice shook with badly hidden laughter.

“I’m sorry but it looked like you were doing a very slow and bored macarena, I could not-” Halfborn burst out laughing again, covering half his face with a hand. Mallory leaned against his arm, her shoulders shaking with laughter too. Magnus rubbed a hand over their face to hide a smile that was appearing against their own will.

Alex and TJ shared a confused but amused look, appreciating the fact that they were having fun, if anything. 

Magnus went to stand up, but Halfborn caught their arm and pulled them down again, still laughing.

“Man, I wish I had recorded it!”

“You’re an asshole,” Magnus said, but their voice was light.

Alex caught himself staring at them, trying to get a glimpse of their face when laughing. Maybe he was getting a bit desperate. He shrugged that thought away, he had justified himself enough.

The evening got darker and before they knew it, it was late enough that any responsible person would have left to go to sleep. But no one did. Alex found himself sitting next to Halfborn, not talking but observing the other three talking animatedly from afar. Alex just couldn’t tear his eyes away from Magnus. It was all he still could do.

Hypothetically, he had no problems interacting with larger groups of people. Hell, he loved being around those people. But Magnus was another thing. He had realized it wasn’t the same when they were one-on-one and when they were in a group. Alex knew that it was selfish, but he loved having all of their attention.

He felt Halfborn’s elbow nudging him in the ribs and looked up at the man, question marks in his eyes.

“Stop staring so much. Magnus might be oblivious, but we sure aren’t.”

Alex looked away quickly, pretending to play dumb. His face was on fire and he did not like that. Fuck. He had made a big mistake.

“Don’t tell them,” he whispered, not sure if he meant it. “Please.”

Halfborn laughed quietly, patting Alex on the shoulder.

“Wouldn’t want to. Watching him figure it out is way too amusing.”

Alex was not sure if he should find it comforting. He let guilt gnaw at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boom  
> yeah i said everything i wanted to say in the beginning notes uhm,,, i kinda missed this story :o  
> hope you enjoyed it, and if you did please do leave a comment i'd love to read your thoughts and stuff   
> see ya eventually  
> love  
> me


	10. Goodnight, Travel Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> on this episode of how can i project on magnus we find the crippling fear of self diagnosis and letting mental illnesses go unnoticed for years until it's too late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo im back, for real, almost, i think. well at least im back from the exchange (big sad), and thought ehi, mayBE i should post again  
> this chapter was really hard to cut but i think i found a decent compromise  
> hope you enjoy it!!!

It would be a bad day.

Magnus was sure of it the second they woke up and the first thing they felt was their heart beating against their ribcage like a frightened bird. They hadn’t even opened their eyes yet.

They ignored the tightness that had settled in their chest, making it just slightly harder to breathe, and got up. They hoped that it would be enough to set their brain back to functioning properly, as there was absolutely nothing to be anxious about. Still, the feeling of doom persisted.

Magnus dragged themselves out of the bedroom, rubbing their eyes harshly as they kept closing against their will. They spotted the neon green numbers on Halfborn’s alarm clock and their heart seemed to pause for a second, before resuming its useless sprint. They simply sighed. It was not the first time they woke up at 4 am for apparently no reason and that would surely not be the last.

They dropped down on the couch, bringing a hand up to their neck to check their pulse. It had happened before that they had just felt their heart speed up when it was beating at a normal pace. Nope, it was actually going faster. They crossed their arms over their chest, closing their eyes in the vain hope that they’d fall asleep again. The steady beating reverberated through their whole body. They could feel it in their throat, in their ears, in their fingertips.

_ Maybe this is how I die, after all. _

They smiled at their thought and started to consider the fact that in death they could get no arrhythmia. That was surely a good thing.

The red-hot feeling that had spread in their chest started to subside and with it the deafening echo of their heart. They fell asleep.

-

Magnus woke up shortly after, when someone sat on the couch near their legs and their senses blasted an alarm. They pushed themselves to sit up, vision still black and foggy as their brain took its time to wake up. They crossed their legs under themselves, curling up to get further from the intruder. Their heartbeat sped up for a few seconds and promptly faded, leaving them with a weird sensation in their chest.

It was just TJ, looking at them with a soft expression. Magnus exhaled slowly and shot a quick glance at their wristwatch. It was a few minutes past five am. They looked back towards their… boyfriend. They felt stupid, it was awkward even to think of him that way and it had been months.

“Ehi,” TJ whispered, scooting closer to them. Magnus smiled in response. They told themselves not to move away, as much as their senses insisted to. “What are you doing here?”

Magnus took a second to recollect their thoughts. Their voice scratched their throat.

“I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. Thought a change of scenery would help.” They lifted a corner of their mouth into a smirk. “Why are you awake?”

TJ shrugged.

“Same thing. Too bad I don’t have early classes today.”

Magnus hummed in agreement. They mused on what they could do, but even if they felt guilty about wasting those waking hours, they still felt too weird and sleepy to actually do anything productive. They wished they could get some more sleep, they knew they needed it, but something told them they were done for the day.

They uncurled, sitting up properly, hoping that it would help reduce the stifling sensation in their chest. They were still too aware of their heart, even if its beat was finally regular. They hated everything about it, however they should call it. When they were a kid, asthma kind of felt the same, but they were pretty sure that this was not the case. It was different and completely unprompted most of the time. They were sure that feeling like their chest was stuffed with cotton was just a side effect of something else. Plus, this always came with a certain irritability that they never fully understood. Everything could set it off, leaving them dizzy and angry at absolutely nothing.

TJ moved closer, intertwining his fingers with Magnus’ and resting his head on their shoulder with a sigh. Magnus’ skin itched and burned at the contact and an invisible rope seemed to pull their guts away, trying to force them to move away. They didn’t move a muscle, preferring to focus on repressing the nausea that guilt caused. They held their breath until their lungs hurt. Their anguish and their senses fought harshly, burning their insides like acid. No option was better than the other, so they just remained still as a statue, hoping that TJ wouldn't notice anything. They couldn’t just move away, it was  _ rude. _

Magnus suffered through their internal conflict for longer than they thought possible. Their eyes started to close, they felt heavy and drowsy, one step away from falling asleep again, except that their skin was still on fire. They fought themselves to stay awake, focusing on the awful feeling crushing their guts. Keeping their instincts at bay was more tiring that they remembered.

They were starting to actively plan how to excuse themselves and move away from TJ when the boy lifted his head, looking at Magnus with a puzzled expression. He seemed about to move even closer and -sorry not sorry- they were going to scream if that happened. Magnus took their chance to shuffle away, letting their hand slip away from TJ’s. They only looked back at TJ when they were sure they had enough space around himself. They avoided TJ’s eyes, guilty as a thief. Their face was burning with embarrassment and regret.

TJ looked at them with disappointment painted on his face, his lips pressed into a tight line. Magnus had seen and heard it all so many times before, they almost put their hands over their ears. But they remained still, looking at a dot just slightly to the right of TJ’s face. Their throat felt tight just like any other time they had been about to cry. They’d been doing it a lot lately. They blinked fast to push the first tears away. They were not going to do this now.

“Why are you like this?” TJ’s voice sounded void of emotion and the question was almost rhetorical. Magnus was not sure they should answer. Or would. Or could. Still, 

they imagined themselves to smirk bitterly.

_ You don’t know how many times I’ve asked myself that very question. _

But they weren’t going to say that out loud. They just waited for their chest to empty, for the frenzy of their senses to subside. They could not do anything if their system was malfunctioning.

“I’m sorry,” was all they could pull out of their panicked mind. They feared for the worst possible outcome, even if they could not brace for it at all.

TJ just shook his head, his hands lifting in a dejected shrug before dropping again to his sides. Magnus hoped that the flinch they had felt hadn’t shown.

“What even is the problem?” The man asked, searching their eyes for an answer or for their attention. Magnus shrugged, looking away and trying to buy themselves time. They were not sure TJ really wanted the answer, nor they wanted to give it.

“I just have boundaries,” they said in the end, their voice low and scratchy. Surprisingly, it didn’t shake and Magnus could only thank whatever entity was looking over them for that.

“You don’t always seem so adverse to touching, though.” TJ’s voice was bitter and sharp and sent guilt slamming into Magnus’ stomach at full force. They wanted to throw up.

“N-no, that’s… that’s not what I mean.” The grey darkness seemed to close in on them, swallowing them whole. With every passing second, it was getting harder to breathe, let alone speak, but they pushed their voice out of their throat. The scale was starting to tip and Magnus knew they had to suffer the extra mile to try and change where it was going to end. “It’s not all the time.” Their voice sounded flat and low, barely a whisper. “But sometimes touching is just… too much, I know it doesn’t make much sense, I just- I can’t decide.”

Magnus finally dared to look at TJ and found the man staring right back at them, slightly disapproving but otherwise uncaring. It made their blood freeze. They had known it would have been a bad day, but now it could only get worse. Magnus was sure TJ didn’t believe them, but they didn’t know how else to back up their justification. They remained quiet, praying that the situation wasn’t really as bad as it looked.

After what felt like an hour of corroding silence, TJ shook his head, moving to get up and walk away and leave Magnus there alone and… and hypothetically never come back. Magnus would never be able to live with their actions.

Without thinking, they reached out to grab his wrist, to stop him, and surprisingly TJ did stop, turning to look at them again, no emotion on his face. Magnus didn’t think they’d get this far, they had no more clues on what to say than one minute before.

“I’m sorry,” they said again, their voice wavering under the scorching fear running inside them. Their hand flashed back towards their chest, as if the contact had burned them. Their head started to spin and their blood rushed thundering in their ears. They shut their eyes. Everything felt like too much too soon too harsh. They hadn’t asked for any of this they hadn’t… it was their curse.

Their heart drummed loudly in their chest and in every single one of their limbs. They cradled their head in their hands, hoping against hope that it would steady them, make the spinning stop, but it only seemed to get worse. They felt hot tears run down their arms but they didn’t know what they were crying for anymore. They just wanted it to be over.

When they opened their eyes again, they were alone in the dark room.

-

When later that day Magnus was dragging themselves back to the dorms, they weren’t so sure they were going back to  _ their  _ dorm. They might as well change direction and go knock on Alex’s door. At least she didn’t have reasons to be mad at them.

If they were to be honest, they had to admit that TJ and them at been on a rough patch for a while now, they had just been ignoring it because they had no clue on how to face it. Still, it was pretty unavoidable now that they had both snapped.

It had happened time and time again before that day: Magnus had avoided contact, moving away and being plainly uncooperative when others, but mostly TJ, had tried to touch or hug them. They didn’t really do it on purpose, it was just an instinctive reaction. They felt stupid for many reasons, but most of the guilt had come from the late realization that they had never made the effort of explaining why, even if their friends had been clearly confused or hurt by their behavior. They were just so used to dodging any unwanted touching, that it had never come up to them to justify themselves. Although they were not so sure they would have been understanding. It was too late for excuses, anyway. They had been slightly paranoid for days, but now they just feared the worst. Guilt had distracted them through all of their classes, eating them away.

They made a decision at the last second, stopping before they reached their dorm. They hoped Alex was inside and not in a class. They knocked and guilt suddenly swarmed their insides. They couldn’t seem to have much decisional power that day. Every option was unfailingly the wrong one.

The door was opened by a man Magnus had never seen before, but quick thinking told them he was one of Alex’s mystery roommates. The man was putting on a jacket and didn’t seem surprised by Magnus’ apparition.

“Uh, is Alex here?”

The man raised an eyebrow and glanced behind himself briefly.

“Should be in his room.” He stepped away from the door to let Magnus in and closed it behind him as he left. Magnus remained alone in the dim living room, spooked by the unexpected encounter. They had never seen Alex’s roommates and they had almost started to believe that they didn’t exist.

The door to Alex’s room was slightly ajar, a tiny sliver of light that showed where the entrance was. Magnus knocked on it before pushing it open slowly, calling Alex’s name. He, no she, was sitting in front of her desk, with her head on her hands and defeat clear in the slope of her shoulders. She had turned towards the door and was staring at them blearily.

“Hi,” Magnus said, suddenly regretting all their life choices all over again.

“Ehi,” Alex woke up from her stupor, blinking until her eyes cleared. “You look like shit, what’s wrong?”

The bluntness in her voice moved something inside them and they burst out laughing. They went to sit on her bed, dragging their hands over the rough woolen blanket, focusing solely on the scratchy sensation on his palms.

“I fucked up,” they confessed, not looking up from their knees. Alex snorted.

“No offense, but no shit Sherlock. I need some specifics.”

She got up and walked to them, stopping right in front of them, their shoes almost touching. Magnus still couldn’t bring themselves to look up.

Alex went to reach out to them and the movement seemed to last ages in Magnus’ eyes. Their breathing hitched in their throat and once again they felt stuck, being pulled from two different directions. They wanted to bolt away, subconsciously aware that being touched would just send them crumbling again and everything would flow out and they were not sure they would be able to stand that again. But they couldn’t, they couldn’t because they had to stay where they were, endure it without complaining. But could they really?

They must have looked really scared, or trapped, because Alex stepped back, her hands up in a defensive gesture. A string of apologies streamed out of her lips and something in her face told Magnus that she was apologizing for more than her actions.

“Don’t,” was all they managed to say, belatedly. Their throat was dry and they were still reeling from the sudden surge of panic that just wouldn’t go away. They averted their eyes, letting them roam over the room, everywhere but Alex’s face. They wished for their voice to come back and not feel as thin and frail as paper. It took longer than they expected, turning everything sour. When they spoke, their voice sounded as if they were reading from a textbook. “I know people hate it when I move away from touching but it’s a fucking-”

“Chore?” Alex was grimacing, sympathetic. “Yeah, that’s bullshit.”

Magnus stared at her in awe and surprise for what felt like hours. “People expect me to reciprocate, but it’s so stressful.”

Alex dropped down on the bed next to them, stretching her legs forward. “They don’t get it. Wish I knew how  _ that  _ felt.”

“Yeah,” Magnus whispered, not knowing what else to add. It was weird to be talking about that openly, but sitting next to Alex made them feel more at peace than they had for the whole day. They made a mental memo to seek her company more often. She understood, somehow.

“So, what did you do?”

“Honestly? Exactly this.” They pressed the heels of their palms to their eyes, an excuse to buy time. “TJ is, uhm, mad at me for my  _ inconsistency _ .” They made quotation marks with their fingers. “It’s my fault, really, but,”

“How’s that so?”

“Never bothered to explain everything to him,” Magnus mumbled, dropping back to lie on the bed. “I’m so used to uh, not be around touchy people that I forgot,”

“You forgot,” Alex repeated, raising her eyebrows with mirth.

“Yeah, I mean.” They sighed deeply, closing their eyes to focus and find a way to explain. “Sometimes I think that others know what I take for granted in my head. But if I don’t actually  _ talk _ there’s no way for them to know.”

“Makes sense.” Alex sounded sincere, but Magnus still looked at her weirdly. Nothing they ever felt seemed to make sense to them. She shrugged, noticing their stare. “I had noticed that you and TJ were sort of growing distant, but couldn’t guess why.”

Magnus’ face scrunched up in guilt.

“I had every chance to explain, it’s not like I hadn’t noticed. I was just lazy. And afraid, I guess,” they mumbled, regret and distaste clear in their voice.

“Why?” Alex was so blunt, Magnus had to take a second to stare at her and try to recollect their scattered thoughts. They didn’t have a straight answer, just a jumble of nerves and gritted teeth and the claustrophobia of choking on air.

“Because I knew it would come down to this.” They had to force the words out, regretting them the second they were out. “Because I don’t know anything about relationships and I am doing a terrible job at winging it.”

They averted their eyes, fixing them on the ceiling, as they wished the burning tears back. Every semblance of emotion slipped out of them. Alex stayed impossibly still and silent, watching them, waiting.

“I think we’re about to break up.” It didn’t feel better to hear it out loud, not like they had hoped. It just had a sound of finality. It was even harsher than the thought in their head.

Alex took her time before speaking again, measuring her words thoughtfully. Her voice was low and soft, her best attempt to comfort.

“And would that necessarily be a bad thing?”

Magnus’ gut reaction was disbelief and outrage, but Alex was completely serious, as if she could see something they couldn’t. So they forced themselves to think about it logically or, at least, as logically as they could. Well…

“Do you think that it would be better?” They couldn’t make up their mind on their own, they  _ knew _ just how much they hung onto things, even if they hurt, because letting go hurt more.

“I’m not you, I don’t  _ know. _ But if you can’t consider making up and fixing this, then maybe you shouldn’t keep trying to mend up something that’s not meant to last.”

Magnus had no idea when or where Alex had gotten so wise. She had never gone through any slightly emotional talk with a straight face before. They had to force their thoughts away from Alex and the unresolvable puzzle she was. That was  _ not  _ the topic.

“It’s not that I don’t want to fix this,” they said at length, clinging to vague arguments that made little sense even to them. “It’s just that everything has started to feel like a duty and sometimes it just- I know  _ nothing _ of all this, but I’m pretty sure that at this point there should be something more.”

Alex gave them a face that meant  _ keep talking, I’m listening. _ Magnus sighed.

“We’ve been dating since September and it’s December now, right? I think… I think that after the initial rush of emotions and the newness of everything faded, something else should have taken its place? Like, don’t get me wrong, I do love TJ, just maybe, not in  _ that _ way? Not completely? I don’t know, but I feel terrible about it.”

Now that it was out in the open, Magnus felt even shittier. That was awful of them, but even then, it was not like they could just make themselves feel something that they didn’t even know what was like.

“Are you saying that you never fell in love?” Alex asked, turning to sit cross-legged next to their side. Answering felt like betrayal.

“I guess.” It was merely a whisper, but Alex heard it and the understanding on her face showed it clearly. “I’m  _ sure _ that I should be feeling something more, but I don’t know  _ what _ precisely. I just know that romantically-wise I’m not there and this has probably just been an act and that’s making me question everything.” They would have gone on rambling, their voice rising in pitch and hysteria, but Alex calmly chimed in, her fingers hovering on their shoulder, itching to reach out but still refraining.

“You can’t beat yourself up for that, it’s not in your control. And I don’t think that it was all fake.” She said it with such certainty that Magnus couldn’t help but stare at her in disbelief, as if it was impossible for her to even suggest such a thing. She raised her eyebrows in an unreadable expression. “You still care for TJ, it’s not like you secretly hated him all along, didn’t you, Maggie?”

“No, I did not,” they muttered under their breath, still unconvinced. A part of themselves had accepted that as the unquestionable truth within seconds, but it only made them feel even more guilty and selfish. It was either that or bottomless self-hatred backed up with the belief that they deserved that for, well, having fucked up. They didn’t like either option much.

“See? You can’t keep pushing something that will eventually tear you two apart and I’m sure that neither of you wants  _ that.  _ Everyone in their right mind can see just how much you care for each other, who cares in what form.” She tapped them on the shoulder, a quiet way to reassure them that things were alright, even if they didn’t want to see it that way.

“What if he doesn’t agree on that?” Their voice was barely a breath, shaky with unspilled tears and gut-wrenching fear.

“I don’t believe that will happen.” Alex looked at them with burning sureness in her eyes, but it didn’t faze their anguish in the slightest. She tried again. “And if he didn’t agree, give him some time and us the chance to talk to him. He  _ loves  _ you, just explain it to him.”

Magnus had to look away again, blinking fast to force away the tears, but they spilled anyway, running down their temples and into their ears and hair.

“Maybe you’re right,” they conceded when they had pulled all their pieces back together. They brought their hands up to wipe the tears away, although the blue, cold void in their chest hadn’t eased up at all. Alex squeezed their shoulder sympathetically, her eyes soft with something Magnus couldn’t quite catch.

“I know I am. Give it a try.” She hesitated for a moment, something dark flashing across her face. “And Maggie, remember that I’m always here for you, in case that you need me.”

She smiled, albeit somewhat sadly, and her eyes seemed distant. She shrugged it off before Magnus had the chance to ask. They watched while she got up and went back to her desk, not facing them anymore. Something restless stirred up in their chest.

They fell asleep without realizing, eyes closing on Alex’s slouched back and untamed curls. They slept the afternoon away, somewhat at peace.

-

Alex roused Magnus awake hours later and the first thought they had was of longing for their unconscious state. At least they hadn’t been thinking and they didn’t have to deal with awake-Magnus’ world. It was their favorite state.

They sat up on Alex’s too comfortable bed and rubbed their eyes to get rid of the sleepiness. Alex was staring at them with amusement painted all over her face and Magnus scowled at her, their body still too asleep to even think about talking.

“Your hair is a mess,” she explained, a hand reaching out to pat it down, only to stop a few inches away as Alex shot them an unsure look. Magnus nodded, closing their eyes as Alex’s finger ran through their tousled hair. They had forgotten how nice it was, even if it was mostly tugging and pulling to undo all the tangles and knots that had formed. They found themselves wishing for her not to stop, but after a while she took her hands back, stepping away. Magnus cracked their eyes open, a part of them missing her touch as soon as it had disappeared. She was staring at them, contemplating her artwork with her head tilted to the side.

“You should braid your hair before sleeping, so it doesn’t get ruined like that.” She was so nonchalant about everything, Magnus started to doubt they even had a heartfelt conversation about their messy love life.

“I still don’t know how,” they said, feeling much smaller while looking up at her like that. Their voice was still rough from disuse and they coughed in their hand to get that scratchy feeling out of their throat.

“That’s for another day,” she said, her expression suddenly serious. “I believe you have something else to do right now.”

She didn’t have to specify anything or motion towards the door, they understood and guilt came back rolling in their stomach. They got up and ran their hands through their hair as if to pull it into a bun, but they let it fall back on their shoulder. They probably needed a haircut.

When Magnus got to the door and turned around towards the apartment, they found Alex standing a few meters away, arms crossed over her chest, her face blank and unreadable as always.

“Thank you,” Magnus said, hoping that the weirdly warm jumble of emotions that had settled on their chest showed in their voice. They felt as if they had something more to tell Alex, but had no idea what. Hopefully, they’d figure it out.

She nodded and a small smile curled her lips.

“Don’t mention it.”

Magnus walked out before they said something they’d regret.

-

The short walk to their room felt longer and heavier than it should have. As they turned the key in the hole, they told themselves that they should have stopped running away any time something mildly inconvenient happened to them, but really, they didn’t know how else to act. Breaking away was the only way they knew to keep themselves in one piece.

They had an unshakable feeling of déjà-vu as they stepped in and closed the door behind themselves. They were locked in and that was  _ good _ , they wouldn’t be tempted to run.

TJ was at the kitchen table, head low and back facing them. Magnus wasn’t sure he had heard them coming in, so they approached him slowly, spasmodically squeezing the keys until they dug into their palm. They walked around the table, leaning on the back of the chair in front of TJ. They waited until the man looked up at them.

“Ehi,” they whispered. They were distracted by trying to read TJ, to understand where they stood. He looked closed off, seemingly unfazed by Magnus’ appearance. It hurt, but they couldn’t say they were surprised, they were expecting it, if not worse. TJ crossed his arms over his textbook, his eyes boring holes through Magnus. He was waiting.

“I wanted to apologize. And I think we should talk.” Their voice was soft as a breath and they almost winced at it. They hadn’t thought of what to say. “If you have time.”

TJ’s still expression softened, turning him back to the man Magnus knew. They felt the tension in the air melt away a bit.

“I think we should, too.”

Magnus moved the chair away from the table, hoping that the scratching sound had covered their sigh. They sat down, scared to death about what they were going to do and even more unsure on what to do with their hands. They stuck them under their legs, so that they couldn’t shake.

A second passed, another. They were staring at each other and TJ looked expectant, almost amusedly so. He was clearly waiting for Magnus to take the lead and equally sure that Magnus didn’t like it. They cleared their throat, looking away to find the right way to start. Maybe there wasn’t one and they had to wing it, like always.

“I’m sorry that I am so distant, that I’m acting so weirdly all the time, like this morning, I just…” They weren’t sure they could try to justify themselves or if they should just leave it at that. They couldn’t read TJ at all.

“I get the feeling that there’s a reason for that, but I don’t know it.” TJ went straight for the center of the issue, leaving Magnus lost and dazed. They hesitated to explain, they weren’t sure- they didn’t have other options, did they?

They told TJ everything, or at least, the part about being so freaked out by touching, trying their best to be more sincere and clear than that morning. TJ’s blank expression didn’t falter once. He let them fall back into silence, not moving a muscle, seemingly thinking everything over. Magnus thought the wait was fraying their nerves more than the conversation itself.

“Okay,” TJ said in the end, his voice so devoid of inflection that Magnus didn’t know how to interpret it.

“Okay?” They repeated, hesitant.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s unusual, but not  _ that  _ foreign, you know?” TJ smiled a bit, but Magnus didn’t feel relief or anything positive at all. Their guts sank even deeper. They didn’t know how to react and anger was viciously creeping up in their chest. “You could have just explained it.”

Magnus had to look away as the air seemed to become thinner. Their hands were compulsively torturing each other, an inadequate outlet for the wave of harsh feelings submerging them.

“I could have just-” Their voice broke off, thin and jarring with a rage they didn’t remember ever summoning. They laughed under their breath, the hysteria straining it to sound like coughing. “I _ did _ . And you still looked at me like I was crazy.”

They gritted their teeth into a grimace. By the looks on their faces, neither of them deemed that anger appropriate, but that only made it grow.

“You weren’t making much sense this morning.” TJ leaned back against his chair and made a point to hold Magnus’ glare, even if he had such a nonchalant attitude towards the whole discussion. As if he didn’t care  _ that  _ much.

“Yeah, because I was upset. Because you were acting as if not being so touchy-feely was the end of the world. Utter betrayal. Jesus Christ Magnus how could you  _ ever _ .”

They didn’t realize they had stood up until TJ tilted his head, looking confused, if not a bit worried. They were gripping the edge of the table so hard that their hands hurt. They let go the second they became aware of their body again, shaking their hands to make the stiffness go away.

“Calm down.” Magnus glared at TJ for a second before turning their focus back on their hands, as they were slowly clenching and opening them over and over, trying to ground themselves over that movement. It wasn’t helping much, there was still a scorching turmoil of emotions seething in their chest. They sat back down. They had to get their shit together.

“Are you mad at me?” TJ asked and, for the first time, the tone of his voice didn’t resemble contempt. He was genuinely concerned that it was a possibility. Magnus didn’t answer right away, because they weren’t sure about what to say. They could have been sincere and most likely harm their strained relationship even more and that scared them to death. Or they could have lied, at least partially, to save face and direct the conversation towards a productive topic. Lying was always the best choice when you have no guts.

“I don’t know, no.” They grimaced at their choice. They wished they could have gotten a small revenge, but all in all, maybe it wasn’t the best choice. It was petty, not healthy or helpful. “Just a lot has been going on and I feel a bit like this was the last straw.”

TJ nodded thoughtfully and he looked like he was finally taking the thing seriously.

“Do you feel like this is too much?” he asked, almost meekly, waving a hand between them. Magnus hesitated, considering him carefully, not sure if he meant what they thought.

“You mean our relationship or..?”

“Yeah, do you ever feel like we’ve taken one step too much into it? Is that what’s bothering you?”

There was a beat of silence and they stared at each other, understanding for the first time the words that they had never had the voice to speak. Recognizing the unsaid that had haunted them for so long and yet felt so new.

“Maybe.” Magnus looked away, willing themselves to say again what they had told Alex. “Maybe, I feel like it should be more, but we can’t reach it.”

“Like we passed the finish line a while ago,” TJ murmured, not daring himself to look at Magnus. They fell into silence again, because neither of them knew how to react to that.

“Is this a ‘we should never see each other again’ or a ‘we can still step back’?” Magnus asked, even if they were just wondering out loud. Still, they hoped Alex had been right and TJ had an answer.

“I don’t regret this,”

“Neither do I,”

“Maybe we are just meant to be friends. After all, it’s not like we ever really went further than that,”

“If anything, we’re closer than we ever were before.”

They sounded hopeful, bordering on dreamy, because it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from them. Nothing would ever be like the bubbly joy of discovering that once again, it was mutual. Every bit of it.

Although Magnus felt like laughing when their eyes finally met again, they sobered up fast. TJ looked dead serious, his lips tense in a thin line.

“Do you hate me? At all?” His voice wavered just a little bit and Magnus stopped breathing for a second, realizing that they hadn’t been so alone in their fear.

“No, I could never.” They did their best to keep their voice even, but sure. TJ looked hesitant, but after a few seconds, he seemed satisfied by what he found on Magnus’ face. “I’ll try to communicate more, from now on,” Magnus added, smiling a bit to diffuse the lingering tension. TJ smirked, raising his eyebrows in a clear  _ ‘you better’. _

After a minute of staring at each other in silence, Magnus started to feel awkwardness rise around them. It was as if they had been demoted and now the rules were wobbly and unclear again. It would take some time to settle.

They got up, this time with much less rush, and smiled apologetically at TJ, glancing between him and the book open under his arms.

“I’ll leave you to, uh,  _ that. _ Glad we had this talk.” TJ looked a bit too amused by that. They were almost back to normal, somehow, but Magnus didn’t know if that was right.

“Yep. Please tell me that the first thing you’re going to do now is  _ not _ texting Alex.” Magnus’ eyes widened in alarm, because that was exactly what they were going to do, and they didn’t know how to interpret TJ’s tone. But the man was smiling playfully and everything was alright.

“Yeah, sure, not doing that, I was… going to study,” they lied weakly, not even trying to put effort into it. TJ had read right through them already, anyway.

They turned around and walked to their room, hoping that their hurry wasn’t showing. They dropped down on the bed, their mind racing ahead of them, making it hard to believe that what had just happened was real. A break up that ended nicely. Hollywood would never believe it.

They played with their phone for a while, staring at the black screen with hesitation. They really, really wanted to tell Alex. She deserved to know. Plus, they actually liked to share things with her. But...

Fuck it, they thought, and they opened their chat to type a long, although surprisingly vague retelling of the past half hour.

It didn’t take long for Alex to reply to Magnus’ thread of texts, but it was still enough to keep them on the edge, anxious to get her reaction too. It stung a bit when her answer was curt and almost cold, so alien to how Alex usually wrote. They decided to blame it on stress, or distraction, after all they were all preparing for midterms. Speaking of…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehiyoooo look whos back!! with more angst!! i feel so bad for half abandoning this story but i swear ill try to be better and focus on it a bit more, ps: were kind of getting close to the end,,, not really but,,, getting there,,,, slowly,,,,, anyway. hope you guys are still here to read it because i really still care about this story.  
> i hope to see you guys soon  
> let me know your impressions of this chapter!! (dont be so happy about the breakup i see yall)  
> byeeeeeee


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